  Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average. Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple. A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere. The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe. Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day surprisingly. Persons who would Benefit by Cremation.—Charwomen. Forced Politeness.—Bowing to circumstances. A Name of Ill Omen.—Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid going down Long Acre. Pawnbrokers' "Duplicates."—Their twins. Hagiology on 'Change.—The Brokers' Patron—St. Simon Stock. Motto for a Tailor who makes Coats of the best Enduring Cloth.—Fuimus, i.e., We Wear. The Licensing System.—The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak. The Best Note Paper.—Bank of England. CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEARCabby (to Gent who has been dining out). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is your 'ouse—get out—be careful, sir—'ere's the step?" Gent. "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my feet?" You are very late Employer (who simply WON'T take any excuse for unpunctuality). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and come at the proper time!" Hairdresser to Customer Hairdresser. "Hair begins to get very thin, sir." Customer. "Yes." Hairdresser. "Have you tried our tonic lotion?" Customer. "Yes. That didn't do it though." Men talking "I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!" "Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!" HOW THE POOR LIVE HOW THE POOR LIVEThe Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish. [He'll give them a little notice next time. Workmen talking First Workman. "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old sun-dial?" Second Workman (reading deliberately). "It says, 'Do—to—day's-work—to—day.'" First W. "'Do TWO days' work to-day!' Wot O! Not me!" Tramp (to benevolent but inquisitive lady).—"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a 'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the 'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into low water!" I hope you had better weather Miss Smith. "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor." The Doctor (very deaf). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than we've been having!" Familiar Phrase Explained Familiar Phrase Explained.Robinson. "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?" Smith (who had dined out). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched the pillow, it went round and round!" Cab Tout Cab Tout. "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence." Cabby. "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence." Cab Tout. "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence." thin on the top Barber. "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir. I should recommend our wash." Customer. "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what you have been in the habit of using?" [Dead silence. Foggy Weather Foggy Weather."Has Mr. Smith been here?" "Yes; he was here about an hour ago." "Was I with him?" Highly Probable.—We understand that in consequence of the high price of meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians. What Millionaires Smoke.—Golden returns. The Universal Watchword.—Tick! BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. |
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