Mr. Fitzpudgit. "What's the matter with the eggs, Matilda? I've tried them with a fork two or three times, and they're not soft yet!"

"THE SIMPLE LIFE."

Mr. Fitzpudgit. "Now don't faint again, my dear. I'll soon have this old rabbit in bits, now!"

"THE SIMPLE LIFE"

Charwoman. "If yer please, sir, th' landlord says as 'ow 'e can't do nothin', 'cos the thatcher's busy with the ricks."

"THE SIMPLE LIFE"

Mrs. Fitzpudgit. "What is it, dear?" Mr. F. "Nothing, my love. Only another puncture."

"APPRECIATIONS," LOCAL

Vicar's Wife. "I see, Mrs. Fieldsend, that Mary is home again."

Mrs. Fieldsend. "Yes, m'm. You see, she has been a year at Crowe Rectory, and eighteen months at Exholme Vicarage, and now we want her to go into a gentleman's family!"

EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY

Country Barber (affably, to total stranger). "Very tryin' weather this, sir. Makes you feel as if you'd like your body in a pond, an' your 'ead in a public-'ouse!"

The Rector's Daughter. "My father feels it very much, Mrs. Barker, that you should leave the church every Sunday just before the sermon. Don't you think you might try and stay, in future?"

Mrs. Barker. "I dursn't do it, miss. I do snore that dreadful when I'm asleep!"

Lady (calling on new Vicar's young wife). "Have you seen the library at the Hall? Sir George is quite a bibliophile, you know."

Vicar's Wife (warmly). "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! So many of these wealthy men have no religion!"

Lady Visitor (to old parishioner). "Well, Mr. Huggins, and has the nurse been to see you yet?" Old Parishioner. "Yes, mum, thank 'ee. She's called once, an done my foot more good than all the imprecations I've ever used!"

THE SLOCUM POGIS TOILET-CLUB

"These 'ere barbers makes a rare lot o' fuss about it, but 'tain't nowt to sheep shearin'."

Diet.—Village Doctor. "Well, are you better? Have you taken your medicine regularly, and eaten plenty of animal food?" Patient. "Yes, sir, I tried it, and so long as it were be-ans and o-ats, I could manage pooty well, sir; but when you come to that there chopped hay, that right-down choked me, sir!"

NEEDLESS ALARM

He. "The fellah actually thweatened to blow my bwains out!"

She. "Oh, how could he? Of course he wasn't serious."

The Force of Habit.—Our County Member (attending church during the Recess). "I beg to move, sir, that the question be now put!"

Our Christmas Concert.—The Rector (who conducts the Rehearsal). "Suppose we try that movement again? I think, Mr. Footles, you were half a bar behind in taking up your point. Oh dear!—you're not going, Mr. Foo——" Mr. Footles (our Flauto Secondo, huffed). "Yessir. 'F you're so pertic'lar's 'alf a bar, I sha'n't jine the s'ciety!!"

Artful—very.—Mary. "Don't keep a screougin' o' me, John!" John. "Wh'oi bean't a screougin' on yer!" Mary (ingenuously). "Well, y' can i' y' like, John!"

Stranger. "I suppose there's not much society about here?"

Barber. "Society! Why there ain't two soup an' fish families within a radius o' fifteen mile!"

Stranger. "You must find it very lonely on these hills."

Shepherd. "Lonely? No, I don't. Why, there was a man an a 'oss passed yesterday, an' there's you to-day."

Agricultural Parishioner (wishing to ingratiate himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous evening). "Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night." New Curate. "Glad you liked it, John. I was a little afraid lest the lecture might have been just a little too scientific." Agricultural Parishioner. "No, bless you, sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these parts be just like young ducks. We do gobble up anything!"

"None but the Brave deserve the Fare."—The Rector's Wife (at school feast, to one of the boys, who had been doing very "good business"). "What's the matter, Noggins? Don't you feel well?" Noggins. "No, m'm,—but—I'll hev—to be wuss, m'm—afore I give in!"

The Substitute.—The Rector's Wife. "Oh, Mrs. Noggins, I should really try to break your parrot of his habit of swearing in that awful way!" The Widow Noggins. "Well 'm, I finds it such a comfort to 'ear 'im. Makes it seem more like as if there was a man about the 'ouse again."

Village Dame (to eminent landscape-painter). "Law, sir, I do often wonder how you can 'ave the patience to bide here day arter day, drarin' an' drarin'! But, there, one thing, you 'aves plenty o' company!"