Bo and the Blacksheep. A Story of the Sex.
Chapter I.In our beautiful Blackmoor or Blakemore Vale not far from the point where the Melchester Road turns sharply towards Icenhurst on its way to Chapter II."Where be Bonduca?" said Abraham, shifting his body upon his chair so as to bring his wife's faded tints better into view. "Like enough she's met in with that slack-twisted 'hor's bird of a feller, Tom Tatters. And she'll let the sheep draggle round the hills. My soul, but I'd like to baste 'en for a poor slammick of a chap." Mrs. Peep smiled feebly. She had had her troubles. Like other realities, they took on themselves a metaphysical mantle of infallibility, sinking to minor cerebral phenomena for quiet contemplation. She had no notion how they did this. And, it must be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as pressing concretions which chafe body and soul—a most disagreeable state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a Wessex peasant woman. "Bonduca went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance, "She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. Abraham shifted again. A cunning smile played about the hard lines of his face. "Polly," he said, bringing his closed fist down upon his knee with a sudden violence, "you pick the richest, and let him carry Bonduca to the pa'son. Good looks wear badly, and good characters be of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued, meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles to our feet." Polly nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant. Chapter III.Meanwhile Bonduca Peep—little Bo Peep was the name by which the country-folk all knew her—sat dreaming upon the hill-side, looking out with a premature woman's eyes upon the rich valley that stretched away to the horizon. The rest of the landscape was made up of agricultural scenes and incidents which the slightest knowledge of Wessex novels can fill in amply. There were rows of swedes, legions of dairymen, maidens to milk the lowing cows that grazed soberly upon the rich pasture, farmers speaking rough words of an uncouth dialect, and gentlefolk careless of a milkmaid's honour. But nowhere, as far as the eye could reach, was there a sign of the sheep that Bo had that morning set forth to tend for her parents. Bo had a flexuous and finely-drawn figure not unreminiscent of many a vanished knight and dame, her remote progenitors, whose dust now mouldered in many churchyards. There was about her an amplitude of curve which, joined to a certain luxuriance of moulding, betrayed her sex even to a careless observer. And when she spoke, it was often with a fetishistic utterance in a monotheistic falsetto which almost had the effect of startling her relations into temporary propriety. Chapter IV.Thus she sat for some time in the suspended attitude of an amiable tiger-cat at pause on the edge of a spring. A rustle behind her caused her to turn her head, and she saw a strange procession advancing over the parched fields where—[Two pages of field-scenery omitted.—Ed.] One Bonduca shuddered at the terrible re-encounter. Was her young life to be surrounded with infants? She was not a baby-farm after all, and the audition of these squalling nurslings vexed her. What could the matter mean? No answer was given to these questionings. A man's figure, vast and terrible, appeared on the hill's brow, with a cruel look of triumph on his wicked face. It was Thomas Tatters. Bonduca cowered; the noble dames fled shrieking down the valley. "Bo," said he, "my own sweet Bo, behold the blood-red ray in the spectrum of your young life." "Say those words quickly," she retorted. "Certainly," said Tatters. "Blood-red ray, Broo-red ray, Broo-re-ray, Brooray! Tush!" he broke off, vexed with Bonduca and his own imperfect tongue-power, "you are fooling me. Beware!" "I know you, I know you!" was all she could gasp, as she bowed herself submissive before him. "I detest you, and shall therefore marry you. Trample upon me!" And he trampled upon her. Chapter V.Thus Bo Peep lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity. And Fate, [The End. "The Last Straw."—For further particulars apply to the gleaners. The Weather and the Crops.—Note. Always have your hair cut very short in the hottest weather. Gardening Amusement for Colwell-Hatchney.—Spinning turnip tops. Advice to the Farmer.—Keep your weather eye open. HINC ILLÆ LACRYIMÆ "HINC ILLÆ LACRYIMÆ"Master Tommy (returning from the funeral). "Why did Uncle Jonas cry so for, Aunt? He cried more than anybody!" Aunt (grimly). "Of course! Most of the property is left to him, my dear!" that's for the folks as can't read "What's that there blank space left for, Jim?" "Why, that's for the folks as can't read!" A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP A YORKSHIRE GOSSIPFirst Gossip. "So you was nivver axed tu t'funeral?" Second Gossip. "Nivver as much as inside t'house. But nobbut; wait till we hev' a funeral of us own, an' we'll show 'em!" I be too wet to work Parson. "Why, John, what are you doing there?" John. "I be too wet to work, zur." Parson.. "Well, if it's too wet to work, why don't you go home?" John. "Wull, my old 'ooman, she do jaw so!" jump in, I'll drive yer Young Lady. "Can you tell me the nearest way to get to Pulham from here?" Sweep. "Well, miss, I'm going there meself. So, if yer jump in, I'll drive yer!" No, indeed, you did not First Village Dame. "Did I bring you back that basket you lent me last week?" Second Dame (emphatically). "No, indeed, you did not." First Dame. "That's a pity, for I just came round to borrow it again!" cool grot and mossy cell "Here in cool grot and mossy cell We rural fays and fairies dwell!" Mainly senility, Mrs. Wilkins" Hard on the Doctor—Old Lady. "My 'usband 'e never did 'old with doctors, and 'e wouldn't let me send for yer till 'e was real bad. What's wrong with him, doctor?" Doctor. "Mainly senility, Mrs. Wilkins." Old Lady. "Lor' now! An' I dessay 'e wouldn't 'ave 'ad it if 'e'd 'ad yer soon enough!" more things in Heaven and Earth "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."—Hamlet. (Heard outside a Country Circus.) Old Jarge. "Wen ye sees wot comes from furrin parts, bless yer 'eart, ye just feels like a bit o' dirt!" Did ye see the Lord Mayor "Did ye see the Lord Mayor when you was up to Lunnon?" "Aye, lad, I did." "De' 'e gang aboot wi' a chain?" "No; 'e gangs loose!" Yes; I'm burning it Miss Hobbs (who dislikes tobacco). "I see you are at your idol again!" Smoker. "Yes; I'm burning it!" A DRY CALLING A DRY CALLING"Th' ole squire stop an' spoke to me this marnin'; an' Oi ast 'im 'ow Master Philip was gettin' on in Lunnon. 'Oh,' says 'e, ''e 's bin called to the Bar.' Oi dunno wot 'e meant, so Oi didn' say nothin'; but Oi says to meself, 'Ah,' Oi says, 'from what Oi remember of 'im, 'e didn' want no callin'!'" I ain't pertickler, lady Accommodating.—Old Lady. "Now then, what do you want?" The Tramp. "I ain't pertickler, lady. What 'av' yer got?" The Village Reprobate The Vicar's Daughter. "Papa was very shocked, Giles, to see you standing outside the 'Green Man' this morning, after church." The Village Reprobate. "Oi can 'sure ye, miss, it wus na fault o' moine that I wus standin' ootside!"] you can barely keep your wife "I'm surprised to find that you keep a dog, Tomkins! Why, you can barely keep your wife! What on earth do you feed him on?" "Well, I gives 'im cat's-meat. And when I can't afford that, why, 'e 'as to 'ave wot we 'ave." Yes—a pound of mutton Mrs. A. "I've just been to see a poor soul who was almost dying of destitution." Miss B. "Did you take her anything?" Mrs. A. "Yes—a pound of mutton." Miss B. "That wasn't much, was it?" Mrs. A. (indignantly). "Quite enough to make her some beef tea!" Tell your fortune "Tell your fortune, pretty gentleman?" Fond of music! "Fond of music! Why, when I'm in town, I go to a music-hall every night!" I hope your wife is much better to-day A Sure Sign of Improvement.—Village Doctor. "Well Scroggins, I hope your wife is much better to-day, eh? How is her pulse, eh? And how's her temperature?" Scroggins (considering). "Well, doctor, I don't know much about her pulses, but as for her temper"—(feelingly)—"she's got a plenty of that to-day!" THE PITY O' IT "THE PITY O' IT!""Well, Simpson, how do you like the hot weather?" "Can't stand it, sir! It's hawful! Ain't got no stomach for my victuals, sir!" |