  January.—Buy a house in the Midland Counties. Put a housekeeper in it to look after it. February.—Housekeeper writes to say that, owing to the floods, the neighbourhood is very damp and unhealthy. March.—Housekeeper writes to say that the garden is under water. April.—Housekeeper writes to say that there is two foot of water in the drawing-room, and that the furniture is floating about. May.—Housekeeper writes to say that eighty feet of the garden wall has been washed away. June.—Housekeeper writes to say that the two horses, one cow, and four pigs are drowned. July.—Go and stop in the house myself. August.—Escape from the bedroom windows in a boat. September.—In bed with rheumatic fever. October.—Housekeeper writes to say that the floods are out worse than ever. November.—Somebody writes to say that the housekeeper has been drowned. December.—Will try and sell house in the Midland Counties. Our Curate Our Curate (who is going to describe to us his little holiday in lovely Lucerne). "My dear friends—I will not call you 'ladies and gentlemen,' since I know you too well——" Ah, it's a 'ard world for some poor blokes First Tramp. "Says in this 'ere paper as 'ow some of them millionaires works eight and ten hours a day, Bill." The Philosopher. "Ah, it's a 'ard world for some poor blokes!" A Real Convert.—Local Preacher (giving an account to the vicar of the parish of a dispute he has had with the leading lights of his sect). "Yes, sir, after treatment the likes o' that, I says to 'em, 'For the future,' says I, 'I chucks up all religion, and I goes to Church!'" Habits of Healthy Exercise.—If a young lady is unable to sport a riding habit, she should adopt a walking habit. The Humours of House Hunting. The Humours of House Hunting.—Lady. "Very healthy place, is it? Have you any idea what the death-rate is here?" Caretaker. "Well, mum, I can't 'xactly zay; but it's about one apiece all round." OVERHEARD AT A COUNTRY FAIR OVERHEARD AT A COUNTRY FAIR"'Ere y' are! All the jolly fun! Lidies' tormentors two a penny!" NOT QUITE HER MEANING NOT QUITE HER MEANINGThe Vicar's Daughter. "I'm glad to find you've turned over a new leaf, Muggles, and don't waste your money at the public-house." Muggles. "Yes, miss, I have it in by the barrel now, and that do come cheaper!" |
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