  Prosperity's fled from our gardens and grounds; How spindly our bines and how scanty our crops! Wealth may be "advancing by leaps and by bounds," It certainly isn't by hops! Advice to Farmers.—Feed your poultry well, and you will insure full crops. That's a stylish sort of dawg First Tramp (to second ditto). "That's a stylish sort of dawg you're a-wearin'!" ENCOURAGING ENCOURAGINGCurate (who wishes to encourage local industry). "Well, Adams, how are you getting on with my watch?" Adams. "Why, it be nigh finished now, zur, an' 'e do zeem to go mortal well, but dang me, if there bain't a wheel as I can't find a place vor summow!" "I'm sorry to hear you've been ailing again, John. I must send you down something from the Rectory. How would you like some soup?" "Thanky kindly, mum—but I bain't so terr'ble wrapped up in soup!" What Rural Deans Smoke.—"Church-wardens." Convivial Party Convivial Party. "I shay, ole f'ller, how long doesh it take to gerout of thish wood?" you got those leeches? Doctor. "Well, you got those leeches I sent for your husband, Mrs. Giles?" Mrs. Giles. "Yes, zur; but what on earth be the good o' sending they little things vor a girt big chap like he? I jes' took an' clapped a ferret on 'un!" Note by a Chiropodist (in the country for the first time).—"Must be very painful—corn in the ear." A Pastoral.—How should a shepherd arrange his dress? In folds. The Dunmow Flitch.—All gammon. Hotel-keeper Hotel-keeper (who has let his "Assembly Room" for a concert). "Well, sir, I 'ope you found the arrangements in the 'all satisfactory last night?" Mr. Bawlington. "Oh, yes; everything was all right. There was only one thing to object to. I found the acoustics of the building not quite——" Hotel-keeper. "No, sir; excuse me. What you smelt was the stables next door!" I be got up here, mister Giles. "I be got up here, mister, but I don't zee 'ow ever I be goin' to get down." Farmer. "Thee zhut thee eyes an' walk about a bit, an' thee'll zoon get down!" An Old Offender.—Country Gentleman (eyeing his Gardener suspiciously). "Dear, dear me, Jeffries, this is too bad! After what I said to you yesterday, I didn't think to find you——" Gardener. "You can't shay—(hic)—I wash drunk yesht'day, sh——!" Country Gentleman (sternly). "Are you sober this morning, sir?" Gardener. "I'm—shlightly shober, shir!!" Qualified Admiration Qualified Admiration.—Country Vicar. "Well, John, what do you think of London?" Yokel. "Lor' bless yer, sir, it'll be a fine place when it's finished!" Squire's Daughter Squire's Daughter. "Do you think it is quite healthy to keep your pigs so close to the cottage?" Hodge. "I dunno, miss. Noan of they pigs ain't ever been ill!" VERJUICE! VERJUICE!Farmer's Wife (whose beer is of the smallest). "Why, you hevn't drunk half of it, Mas'r Gearge!" Peasant (politely). "Thanky', mu'm—all the same, mu'm. But I bean't so thusty as I thought I wor, mu'm!!" OUR VILLAGE OUR VILLAGENephew (on a visit to the "Old Country"). "Ah, uncle, in Canada we don't do our hay-makin' in this 'ere old-fashioned way." Uncle. "Why, you bean't never goin' to tell I as you've bin an' turned teetotal?" Reciprocity.—Parson. "I have missed you from your pew of late, Mr. Stubbings——" Farmer (apologetically). "Well, sir, I hev' been to meet'n' lately, but—y' see, sir, the Reverend Mr. Scowles o' the chapel, he bought some pigs o' me, and I thought I ought to gi' 'm a tarn!" The Farmer for the Fair.—A husbandman. I've taken all the tabloids Doctor. "Well, Mrs. Muggeridge, how are you getting on? Taken the medicine, eh?" Mrs. M. "Yes, doctor. I've taken all the tabloids you sent, and now I want a new persecution." On a Footing.—Almost every considerable town has a market for corn; therefore, it is but fit that Bedford Market-place should have its Bunyan. Place of Residence for Lodgers.—Border-land. Soundings!—(The living down at our village falling vacant, Lord Pavondale left it to the parish to choose the new rector.) Influential Parishioner. "Then am I to understand, Mr. Maniple, that you object to bury a Dissenter?" The Rev. Mr. Maniple (one of the competitors). "Oh, dear me, no, Mr. Jinks; quite the contrary!" A High Church Party.—A steeple-jack. A Clerical Error.—A long sermon. Visitor. "My good man, you keep your pigs much too near the house." Cottager. "That's just what the doctor said, mum. But I don't see how it's agoin' to hurt 'em!" A QUIET VILLAGE A QUIET VILLAGE |
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