  Tennis player. 1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your own implement with you. Tennis player. 2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. But a carefully-nurtured reputation may be 3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it. 4. It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and authoritative tone—it doesn't matter in the least whether it is feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always sounds well:—"Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send two red towards me and get into position." In a game of croquet there is always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that is no consequence. 5. Remember that "a mallet's length from the 6. Much may be done by giving your ball a Tennis played in downpour of rain. GENUINE ENTHUSIASM Sweet Name for Young Ladies playing Croquet.—Hammerdryads. Mr. Punch playing croquet. The Poet of Croquet.—Mallet. Mesh costume. LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME Two men talking. "NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!" "I say, uncle, that was young Baldock that went by,—Wilmington Baldock, you know——!" "Who the dickens is he?" "What! haven't you heard of him? Hang it! he's making himself a very first-rate position in the lawn-tennis world, I can tell you!" Cabbies gambling. "Sporting."—Cabby (on the rank at the top of our square.) "Beg your pardon, miss!—'takin' the liberty—but—'ow does the game stand now, miss? 'Cause me and this 'ere 'ansom's gota dollar on it!" Child sitting on aunt's lap. HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE Auntie. "Archie, run up to the house, and fetch my racket. There's a dear!" Archie (preparing to depart). "All right. But I say, auntie, don't let anybody take my seat, will you?" Cadet talking to Grandmother Barbarous Technicalities of Lawn-Tennis. Woolwich Cadet (suddenly, to his poor grandmother, who has had army on the brain ever since he passed his exam.). "The service is awfully severe, by Jove! Look at Colonel Pendragon—he invariably shoots or hangs!" His Poor Grandmother. "Good Heavens, Algy! I hope you won't be in his regiment!" Lady talking to large relative. COMFORTING Proud Mother. "Did you ever see anybody so light and slender as dear Algernon, Jack?" Uncle Jack (at thirty-five). "Oh, you mustn't trouble about that, Maria. I was exactly his build at eighteen!" Gardener passing game of tennis. "Donkeys have Ears." Emily (playing at lawn-tennis with the new curate). "What's the game, now, Mr. Miniver?" Curate. "Forty—Love." Irreverent Gardener (overhearing). "Did y'ever hear such imperence! 'Love,' indeed! And him not been in the parish above a week! Just like them parsons!" Tennis played over a tall hedge. LAWN-TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES—"PLAY!" If space is limited, there is no reason why one shouldn't play with one's next-door neighbours, over the garden wall. (One needn't visit them, you know!) Large man talking to lady on bench. Stout Gentleman (whose play had been conspicuously bad). "I'm such a wretched feeder, you see, Mrs. Klipper—a wretched feeder! Always was!" Mrs. Klipper (who doesn't understand lawn-tennis). "Indeed! Well, I should never have thought it!" Couple discussing another couple. She. "What a fine looking man Mr. O'Brien is!" He. "H'm—hah—rather rough-hewn, I think. Can't say I admire that loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of man. Now that's a fine-looking woman he's talking to!" She. "Well—er—somewhat effeminate, you know. Confess I don't admire effeminate women!" |
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