Quiet Man (as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close). "Er—will somebody pass the salt, please?"

Adolphus (grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river). "Waitar—you can—ah—leave us!"

Old Waiter. "Hem!—yessir—but—you'll pard'n me, sir—we've so many gents—'don't wish to impute nothink, sir—but master—'fact is, sir—(evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it)—we're—you see, sir—'sponsible for the plate, sir!!!"

GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL—BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A HAGGIS!

Happy Thought.—Sir Pompey Bedell (poking the fire in his new smoking-room). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A—I can't cure it." Bedell Junior. "Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!—it'll never smoke again!"

"CRAMMING"

Affectionate Uncle. "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?"

Nephew (just returned from Harrow). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"

[Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments.

Old Gentleman (who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none——"

Irish Waiter. "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"

"A Strict Regard for Truth."—Nephew. "Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!"

Uncle (the wedding breakfast had been hilarious). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time—don' le'sh be"—(lurching heavily)—"osht'n—tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"

SEASONABLE LUXURY

Old Gent (disgusted). "Here, waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—caterpillar in this chop!"

Waiter (flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just now, sir!"

The "Status Quo Ante."—Squire (desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass——" Farmer B. "Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.—(He had drunk a bottle or two.)—But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"

COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST

Young Ganderson (proudly conscious of the general attention) "Oh yes, it's in Soho, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence—wine included."

Host (proud of his cellar). "And is the wine drinkable?"

Young Ganderson. "Oh yes—very good—better than the wine we're drinking now!"

AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND

Tomkins. "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?"

Jobkins. "Why, yes—you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."

Mistaken Identity.—(As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over.) Head waiter (under a wrong impression). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf! No napkins laid, no glasses, no——!!!"

[Brown never got over it all the evening.

AN AWFUL CRAMMER

Proprietor of boarding-house (taking stout guest aside). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two shillings!"

Diner. "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three—I really—afraid I should—but I'll try!!"

THE BETTING EVIL.

Waiter (down tube). "Wild duck, one!"

Voice from the kitchen. "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"

NOT VERY LIKELY

Waiter (in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M—let's see—a glass of milk, sir, wasn't it?"

FIGURATIVE

Head Waiter (the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese). "Hi! James—let loose the Gorgonzola!"

BEWILDERING

Mr. Wuzzles (up for the cattle-show). "Cheese, waiter!"

'Robert.' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo——"

Mr. Wuzzles (testily). "No, no! I said cheese!"

"ON THE FACE OF IT"

Host. "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?"

New Butler. "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"

Awful Warning!—Guest (at City Company dinner). "I'm uncommonly hungry!"

Ancient Liveryman (with feeling). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't taste at all—anything—for the rest of the evening!!"

It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing—as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.