  At Table d'hÔte At table d'hÔte, I quite decline To sit there and attempt to dine! Of course you never dine, but "feed," And gobble up with fearsome greed A hurried meal you can't define. The room is close, and, I opine, I should not like the food or wine; While all the guests are dull indeed At table d'hÔte! The clatter and the heat combine One's appetite to undermine. When noisy waiters take no heed, But change the plates at railway speed— I feel compelled to "draw my line" At table d'hÔte! leaf symbol Sufficient ExcuseJones (to Brown). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady. Brown. No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that were so "tight." Cruel! Cruel!—Lucullus Brown (on hospitable purpose intent). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" Jones (not liking to absolutely "give himself away"). "Let me see"—(considers)—"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." Lucullus Brown (seeing through the artifice). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you will be!" ["Exeunt,—severally." CANDID! CANDID!Simultaneously Host (smacking his lips). "Now, what do you say to that glass of she——" Guest. "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?" leaf symbol Guests to be Avoided"Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?" "No—that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends." Sectarian"Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?" "Mr. Binks, sir." "Is Mr. Binks a vegetarian?" "Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!" leaf symbol TO PUT IT BROADLY "TO PUT IT BROADLY"Improvised Butler (to distinguished guest). "Will ye take anny more drink, sor?" a fried sole First Customer. "Waiter, a fried sole." Second Customer. "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter—and mind it is fresh." Waiter. "Two fried soles—one fresh!" After Many Years After Many Years!—Country Parson (to distinguished Peer, who has been making THE speech of the evening). "How d'ye do, my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." Distinguished Peer. "Well—er—not altogether." C. P. "We were members of the same club at Oxford." D. P. (with awakening interest). "Oh—ah! Let me see—which club was that?" C. P. "The—er—Toilet Club, you know!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDShe. "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited half an hour for you. I hope it was not illness that prevented you from coming?" He. "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!" A DILEMMA A DILEMMANervous Gentleman (to two sisters). "I've got to take one of you in to dinner. A—a—let me see—a—which is the elder?" if you want a really good cook THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDJones (to hostess, famous for her dinners). "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of one who would suit you to a T!" THE RULING PASSION THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNERLaconic Waiter (thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in champagne). "Seventy-four, sir?" Sporting Major (down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket). "Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"
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