  "When the wine is in, the wit is out;" Only to dolts the adage reaches. No wise man could for a moment doubt The value of after-dinner speeches. Punch can remember the time when Peel, Whose wisdom still the country teaches, After steak and port, his nine o'clock meal, Made the best of after-dinner speeches. When the Ministers come to the Mansion House, (The King of London their presence beseeches,) No guest who has any touch of nous Will be weary of after-dinner speeches. When the Royal Academy blooms in May, With its pretty girls and their cheeks like peaches Who won't, on the opening Saturday, Listen to after-dinner speeches? When there's ought that's generous to be done, A greeting to pay that no soul impeaches, A dinner's the best thing under the sun, And its gold coin the after-dinner speeches. And as to the House, which often suffers From talk that to dreariest platitude reaches, It does not often allow its duffers To make long after-dinner speeches. SCENE—CHOP-HOUSE SCENE—CHOP-HOUSEEnter Street Boy, and, with suppressed ecstasy. "Oh, please, there's your cat and kittens having such a game with the things in the winder!" At the Cric-Crac RestaurantCustomer (looking at bill). Here, waiter, there's surely some mistake in this total. Waiter (politely). Zehn thousand pardons, sir! Mit my usual carelessness I have added in ze date and vorgot to charge you for ze butter. An Oversight!Swell. Waiter! This—ah—chop's vewy dwy! Waiter. 'Ndeed, sir? Perhaps if you were to order something to drink with it, sir—— A REBUKE A REBUKEHost. "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon cost me two and sixpence a pound!" Guest (no business of his). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take another eighteen penn'orth!" CAUTION CAUTIONThe Major. "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?" Mrs. Jinks. "Yes; but they make one so unreserved!" A BORN ORATOR A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST)Farmer (proposing landlord's health). "An' if a' squiears 'ud dew as our squiear dew, there wudna be so many on 'em as dew as they dew dew!" No Excuse No Excuse for not Believing.—"Then you don't believe in phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he said was, that I had no idea of the value of money." Things one would put Differently Things one would rather have put Differently.—Mr. Bumblepup. "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress." Hostess. "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking more foolish than usual, and you're not." Mr. Boreham Mr. Boreham (in the thick of a long and pointless story). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'" She (with difficulty keeping awake). "Yes?—and was it?" we've a very poor dinner Hostess (to friend who has been brought in to take pot-luck). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner to offer you." Mr. Simpson. "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I assure you I think it quite desirable to underfeed occasionally!" |
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