Courtship—Discussion where the married couple are to live—The fetching of the bride—The wedding ceremony—Mlah Pinang—Visit of bride to her mother-in-law—Bride’s dress—Bridegroom—Old bachelors among the Dyaks—Age of marriage—Monogamy—Prohibitive degrees—Dyak view of marriage—Conjugal affection—Mischief-making mothers-in-law—Separation and reconciliation—Divorce—Adultery.

The mode of courtship among the Dyaks is peculiar. No courting goes on by day, but at night, when all is quiet, a young lover creeps to the side of the curtain of his lady-love, and awakes her. The girls sleep apart from their parents—sometimes in the same room, but more often in the loft. He presents her with a roll of sireh leaf, in which is wrapped the betel-nut ingredients the Dyaks love to chew.

If, when awakened, the girl accepts the betel-nut roll which the young man presents her, and puts it in her mouth, it is a sign that his visit is acceptable, and that he may stay and speak to her. If, on the other hand, she says, “Please blow up the fire,” or “Be good enough to light the lamp” (which is usually a bamboo filled with resin), it shows that she will have nothing to say to him, and he recognizes the usual form of dismissal and goes away.

If the lover’s visit be acceptable to her, they chew sireh and betel-nut, a plentiful supply of which the man brings with him, and make arrangements about the future.

This nocturnal visiting goes on for some weeks. If the parents of the girl think the match a suitable one, the young people are permitted to see each other very often. On the other hand, if the young man does not find favour with them, they soon let him know that his visits are not desired. They do not allow their daughter to see him alone, and the matter goes no farther.

This nightly courtship is, in fact, the only way a man and woman can become acquainted with each other, for such a thing as privacy during the day is quite unknown in a Dyak house. If the girl be pleased with her lover, he remains with her until close upon daybreak, when he leaves with her some article as a pledge of his honour, such as a bead necklace, or ring, or a headkerchief, or anything else which he may have about him. This act of leaving some gift with the girl is considered as a betrothal between the two parties, and the man who refuses to marry the girl after doing so is considered guilty of breach of promise of marriage, and liable, according to Dyak law, to a fine.

I have often spoken to older Dyaks about the matter, and have been told by them that these nocturnal visits very seldom result in immorality. The girl who is not careful how she behaves very soon gets a bad name among the young men, and all her chances of securing a husband are lost. And it is a fact that, considering the population, there are not many illegitimate children among the Dyaks.

When the young couple have decided the question of the future to their mutual satisfaction, the next step in the proceedings is for the man to make known his wishes to his own parents, and then a visit is paid by the man’s relatives and friends to the girl’s parents to request formally the hand of their daughter in marriage. This consent is seldom refused, because as a rule the parents of the girl approve of her choice, or they would not have allowed her to receive visits from the man.

There is a great deal of discussion, sometimes lasting for days, as to where the married couple are to live after the wedding ceremony. The wife does not always leave her home to go and live with her husband. As often as not the man takes up his abode in the house of his wife’s relations. Many matters are taken into consideration in deciding where they are to live. If the daughter be an only child, her parents generally make it a condition of marriage, that the son-in-law should come and live with them, and work for them, but where the girl has many brothers and sisters, and the man has not, she is allowed to go and live in his house. Then, again, the question of social standing comes in, and if a girl marries beneath her she refuses to go to the house of her husband, and expects him to come to her.

When everything has been satisfactorily arranged, and the consent of the girl’s parents has been obtained, a day is fixed for the marriage ceremony.

The day before the wedding is spent by the bridegroom in obtaining a plentiful supply of betel-nut, sireh leaf (a species of pepper), lime, gambier, etc.—all necessary concomitants for the guests to chew during the proceedings connected with the marriage ceremony.

The wedding may take place either at the house of the bride, or else at that of the bridegroom. Generally it is held in the house in which the newly married couple do not intend to reside; that is, if it be decided that the newly married wife should settle in her husband’s house, then the wedding will take place at her home. If, on the other hand, the relatives decide that the husband is to live in the home of his wife, then the wedding takes place at the house of his parents.

The principal part of the ceremony among the Sea Dyaks is the fetching of the bride from her father’s to the bridegroom’s house. The women-folk of his village set out in a boat, gaily decorated with an awning of parti-coloured sheets, and with streamers and flags flying, to an accompaniment of gongs and drums, and musical instruments, to fetch the bride to her future husband’s house.

When the other party arrive at the landing-stage of the house at which the wedding is to take place, they walk up to the house—a gaily-dressed crowd—and sit down in the open veranda, to talk over the future prospects of the young couple, chewing betel-nut and sireh all the time. A portion of these chewing ingredients are carefully set aside to be used later on. The Dyak, with his great love for divination, cannot allow such an occasion to pass without making some attempt to penetrate into the secrets of the future.

The company sit down in the long common room of the Dyak house, and then are brought forward the betel-nut, sireh, etc., specially set aside for the ceremony. A betel-nut is split into seven pieces by a man supposed to be lucky in matrimonial matters, and these, together with the other ingredients of the betel-nut mixture, are all put in a little basket, which is bound together with red cloth and laid for a short time upon the open platform adjoining the house.

The master of the ceremonies, who splits the betel-nut, generally an older man of some standing, then makes to the assembled guests the declaration that if either party should desert the other without sufficient reason, the offending party shall be fined to such an amount as has been already agreed upon.

The basket containing the split pieces of betel-nut is then brought in and uncovered, and the contents examined to ascertain the will of the gods. Should the pieces of betel-nut by some mystic power increase in number, the marriage will be an unusually happy one; but should they decrease it is a bad omen, and the marriage must be postponed, or relinquished altogether. But as a matter of fact, they neither increase nor decrease, and this is interpreted to mean that the wedding is one upon which the spirits have pronounced neither a good nor a bad verdict.

This action gives the name to the marriage ceremony. The Dyaks call marriage Mlah Pinang—“splitting the betel-nut.”

The contents of the little basket used to discover the will of the higher powers are chewed just as other pinang and sireh, and the marriage ceremony is over; the young couple are lawfully man and wife.

The married couple stay for three days in the house which is to be their future home. On the fourth day a visit is paid, lasting for three days, to the family with whom the alliance has been made. Then the young couple return to settle down in their new home.

On the occasion of the first visit of the bride to the house of her husband, she must not enter her mother-in-law’s room, but must be led in either by that much dreaded relative herself, or by some woman deputed by her to perform that office. The bride, therefore, goes into the room of some female friend living in the house, and there awaits the coming of her mother-in-law; the husband meanwhile sits down on a mat in the open veranda outside his mother’s room.

The lady, having ascertained the whereabouts of her daughter-in-law, goes and fetches her, and brings her into the room. She bids her sit down on a mat spread for the purpose. Then she goes out to her son in the veranda, and leads him in, and tells him to sit by his wife’s side. When they are seated side by side, the mother waves a live fowl over her son and daughter-in-law with a hastily muttered invocation for future health and prosperity.

The respect that Dyaks are required to pay to the father-in-law and mother-in-law is far greater than they have to pay to their own parents.

It is considered a terrible crime for a man to mention the names of his wife’s parents, and he dare not disobey their commands. A young man marrying an only child and living with her parents has generally a hard time of it, because he has to give way in everything to the wishes of his wife’s parents. In the same way a girl who marries an only son, and lives with his parents, has often an unhappy time, being continually ordered about and scolded by her mother-in-law. I have known cases where husband and wife have separated simply because the mother-in-law has made the life of the wife unbearable.

For the wedding, and for the subsequent visit which the bride pays to her husband’s home, she decks herself out in all the finery she possesses or can borrow from her friends. Her wedding-dress consists of a short petticoat of Dyak woven cloth which reaches to her knees. Along the bottom edge of this there are sewed several rows of tinsel and of silver coins, below which probably hang some rows of hawk-bells, which make a tinkling sound as she moves. Round her waist are several coils of brass or silver chain, and two or three belts made of dollars or other silver coins linked together.

From her hips upwards, as far as her armpits, she wears a corset formed by threading upon split cane a great number of small brass rings, arranged so closely together as completely to hide the cane. To this corset may be fixed two or three bands of silver coins. Her armlets of brass or silver extend as far up as her elbow. As many rings as she possesses are on her fingers, and she wears necklaces of small beads, worked in very beautiful patterns, and finished off with a tassel of beads, or else a large number of big silver or brass buttons strung together round her neck. Her ears are decorated with filigreed studs of silver gilt, with a setting of scarlet cloth behind the filigree work to show them off.

In her hair is a towering comb of silver filigree work, to which are attached a number of silver spangles, which glitter with every movement of her head. She wears her hair in a knot into which are stuck a number of large brass hair-pins decorated with beads and little tags of red and yellow and white cloth. She possesses a bright-coloured jacket of Dyak woven cloth; but she does not wear it; it is slung over her right shoulder.

After this detailed description of the bride’s dress, it is disappointing to learn that the bridegroom takes no special pains to ornament his person. The men wear a great deal of finery when they attend a feast, or when they go out on the warpath, but on the occasion of his wedding the bridegroom takes no extra trouble about his apparel.

I have been present at a Dyak wedding more than once, and what struck me most was the perfunctory manner in which everything was done. No one seemed to listen much to what the Master of Ceremonies had to say; all sat round talking and laughing as the mood suited them. The examining of the basket containing the pieces of split betel-nut was not awaited with any anxiety. Everything seemed to be done because it was the custom, and for no other reason.

Nearly every Sea Dyak is married, and it is very unusual to meet a bachelor above the age of twenty-five. The exception to this is among the Skrang Dyaks, among whom one often sees an unmarried man over forty years of age. The expression Bujang Skrang—“a Skrang bachelor”—means an old bachelor.

A man rarely marries a woman who has an illegitimate child. But children are very much desired, and the Dyaks have a great horror of being childless. Intercourse often takes place between those who have been betrothed, but not formally married, simply to ascertain if the marriage will be fruitful. At the first signs of the desired result the marriage ceremony takes place.

Both sexes marry at an early age. The young men marry when about eighteen to twenty years of age, and the girls at sixteen or seventeen, though sometimes marriage is postponed till later. They frequently separate by mutual consent, and nothing is thought of it if the couple be childless; but it is very seldom that anything of the kind occurs if there are children.

Among the Dyaks no man has more than one wife. Polygamy is considered very displeasing to the gods, and if a man does take to himself two wives, the other people of the village compel him to give one up, and sacrifices are offered to the gods and spirits to avert any evil effects upon the community for the crime.

The Dyaks are very particular as to their prohibitive degrees, and are opposed to the marriage of relatives. The prohibitive degrees are much the same as among Christians.

The Dyak men view marriage as an arrangement for the mutual convenience of both parties in order to obtain children. Though there is often a great deal of love between husband and wife, still, when the marriage is childless, the Dyak idea is that the proper thing to do is to separate. I have known many childless couples who have continued to live together, and have perhaps adopted a child; but they have done so in spite of all that has been said to them and in opposition to the wishes of their friends. I have often heard Dyaks say: “When you plant a fruit-tree you expect it to bear fruit, and when you marry you expect your wife to bear children.”

The Dyak women generally regard marriage as a means of obtaining a man to work for them. A woman will often separate from her husband simply because he is lazy, and will not do his fair share of the work. There is a certain division of labour among Dyaks, and there are some kinds of work which it is usual for the man to do, and other work which falls to the share of the woman. It is no unusual thing to hear a woman who wishes to be divorced from a lazy husband say: “I married because I wanted a man to work for me; but if I have to do the man’s work as well as my own, as I have to with a husband like mine, I might just as well be unmarried.”

It must not be supposed from what has been said that conjugal affection is rare among the Dyaks. On the contrary, a great deal of it exists, and the men very often love their wives and think a great deal of their opinion. They will not decide upon any important course of action without consulting them. Where there are children, the husbands very often help their wives in doing more than their share of the man’s work, and I have often seen the men nursing and fondling their naked babies when the mothers were busy.

Dyaks who have come in contact with civilization, and who have been to school themselves, see the advantages of being educated, and I know of a Dyak in Saribas who married a young wife and sent her to the Society for the Propagation of the Gospel in Foreign Parts Girls’ School in the capital of Sarawak (Kuching) for two years to be taught before she came to live with him in his Dyak home.

As has been mentioned before, the parents of a woman often tyrannize over a son-in-law who takes up his abode with them. If the woman herself side with her parents, it is often very unpleasant for the husband. I remember talking over this matter with some Dyaks at Sebetan, and telling them that I thought, as a general rule, it was better for husband and wife to settle between themselves any differences they might have, without interference from others, and I mentioned certain cases of divorce which, I said, I felt sure would not have come about except for the interference of the mothers-in-law, who behaved foolishly and caused mischief. Then I turned round to one of the men present, and said:—

“You have lived for many years with your wife’s relatives, and you seem to be happy enough. You are one of the few who have had no differences with the relatives of their wives, and live happily in spite of your mother-in-law’s presence in your house. Is it not so?”

“Yes,” he said, “we do get on very well now, but it was not always so. When I was first married, her parents were always taking her side against me, and the result was that I was ordered about so much, and found fault with so often, that I was beginning to get sick of it. However, matters soon came to a climax. One day my wife was pounding paddy, and, turning to me, she said: ‘This lesong (wooden mortar) is not a nice one; will you make me another?’ I said I would, and I went to the jungle, cut down a tree, and made a new wooden mortar, and carried it home. She did not like it. It was, in her opinion, no better than the other.”

(I may mention here that the Dyak women like a mortar that makes a great deal of noise when paddy is pounded in it to rid it of the husk. Probably the only fault to be found with the mortar was that it did not make enough noise when in use to satisfy his wife.)

“I was told,” the man continued, “to make another lesong for my wife. This I obediently did, but I did not succeed in pleasing her with my second attempt any better than I did with my first. I was told to go into the jungle and make her a third mortar. This I refused to do. I said that evidently I could not make a wooden mortar to her satisfaction, and the best thing to do was for us to get someone else to make one, and pay him for it. She was very angry at my refusal, and said that when she married she did not expect to have to buy things which other husbands made for their wives.

“In all this,” he said, “my wife was backed up by her mother, who, in many ways, had been making mischief, and was often criticizing my work. I said little, but when she called me the ‘dead body of a man’ (bangkai orang) it was more than I could stand, and when she went on to say that I might just as well return to my people if I was not going to work, I packed up my clothes and returned to my parents.

“After a few days my mother-in-law came to the house of my parents to ask me to return with her. I refused to do so, because, I said, I was not sure what sort of reception I should get from my wife. She said that she had been sent by my wife, and that I need not fear that there would be any unpleasantness. Still I refused to return, and I told my mother-in-law that I would not return unless my wife came herself to ask me.”

(I may remark that it is a very unusual thing for a man to speak in this way to his mother-in-law. She is treated with so much respect that it is very seldom a Dyak dares to oppose her wishes.)

“My mother-in-law returned to her house, and a few days after she and my wife came to fetch me. I went back with them, and ever since I have had no serious trouble either with my wife or mother-in-law.”

I have already said that until children are born a Dyak husband and wife often separate from each other for very trivial reasons. After the birth of children there is seldom a divorce except for adultery, and even then very often the friends and relatives try hard—sometimes successfully—to persuade the husband and wife to live together again for the sake of the children. This lax view that Dyaks have of the marriage tie causes them very often to marry without any serious consideration. Where divorce is easy it naturally follows that marriage ceases to be a serious matter, which ought not to be “taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly,” as the marriage service has it.

I remember one day holding a service at a little chapel in a village in Saribas, and giving an address on marriage, and trying to explain to my small congregation of Dyaks the Christian view of it. I said that marriage ought to be a life-long tie, that the Dyak custom of husband and wife separating for any trivial cause was a bad one, and that Christians, when married, should live together “for better for worse” till death parted them. An old Dyak present interrupted me by asking: “What if one of them commits adultery?”

I went on to say that adultery was the only reason which Christ said justified a divorce.

I mention this little incident because I think it shows in an indirect way that deep down in the Dyak heart there is a feeling that adultery is a terrible crime, far worse than any other, and that where there has been adultery it is impossible for husband and wife to live happily together.