HO, HO.

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There had been a great deal of discussion among the darkies as to who was “The gret’s rebater, Mars’ Pinckney’s Damon Danridge, er Mars’ Nickey’s Rasmus Jasper Jemes,” and a committee was appointed to select a subject, with the advice and consent of the negro preachers of Queen Anne, Caroline and Talbot counties. They were about three weeks deliberating, and finally a part of the following verse from Zachariah was selected:

“Ho, Ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the North, saith the Lord: for I have spread you abroad as the four winds of heaven, saith the Lord.” (Chapter II, verse 6.)

Deacon Damon Danridge for the affirmative.

Deacon Rasmus Jasper Jemes for the negative.

Damon Danridge was the body servant of the Rev. Wm. Pinckney, once Bishop of Maryland, and was a splendid servant, neat, orderly, and as a rule very dignified—“Kase he driv uh preacher.” He heard most of his marster’s sermons, was a good listener, and was so devout and worthy that his brilliant and learned marster became much attached to him, read to him, and taught him to read.

His learning made him very top-lofty, and he assumed an air of great wisdom with all, was credulous and simple-hearted; the darkies thought him wondrous wise because they could not understand the big words he used. He conjured up and cherished the preaching and sayings of his grand marster, and delighted in repeating the same. If his marster had said to him, “Do you see yonder cloud, that’s almost in shape of a camel,” he would have seen it as did Polonius.

Rasmus Jasper Jemes had a great local reputation as a debater; he was a deacon, and when the regular preacher did not turn up Ras filled the “pull-pit,” and filled it well; two of his sermons—“His Bref Kinleth Coals” and “Let Us Meck Brick”—were considered marvelous by the darkies. Indeed, some of them thought him inspired (Ras thought he was)—for instance, in 1833, when the stars fell, all the negroes on the plantation were terrified; they hid under beds, in barnlofts, hay and straw stacks; they thought judgment day had come. Finally Aunt Phillis, John Poney and Little Billy, more courageous than the rest, went to see Rasmus. He was frying some bacon and did not know about the falling stars. He walked boldly and confidently out of his quarter, but when he saw the shower of stars, was soon affrighted, and dodging about, said, “Look out, Mars Lawd, hits Rasmus Jasper Jemes.”

Ras could read a little, was far from being dull and doted on debating. The subject, “Ho, Ho,” had been discussed far and near, and Rasmus had “rassled” with it diligently; and now that the time had come, Zion Church was packed and jammed. Uncle Reubin Viney, good and just, Sir Oracle among his “Brers,” was judge.

The servants had all chipped in and gotten Captain Stitchberry, of the grain schooner Margaret Jane, to buy the best $15 church-clock in Baltimore. It was bought just after Parson Demby preached his great sermon on “Fogitfulness.” Three-fourths of them could not tell the time.

On the door-face of the clock was a picture and written under it, “The Finding of Moses.” It represented eleven females and a camel. Four of the figures were very black. One of them, sitting in the bullrushes and water, held in her lap a large basket with a top, in which was Moses, and the daughter of Pharoah was looking wistfully at the prophet, who was crying lustily, judging from the size of the tears in the picture. The black figures had in their ears immense gold-colored earrings, almost big enough for Moses to crawl through.

The picture on the face of the Moses clock.

Captain Stitchberry had selected wisely, for no rosary could have been more adored than that clock. The sun, moon and stars went by it. When it struck you would suppose a small dinner-gong dwelt within.

Uncle Reubin Viney was seated on the platform when in strode Damon and Rasmus, looking as proud as peacocks and confident as two victorious gladiators.

They were both well-figured and had fine faces. Rasmus had on a blue swallowtail coat with brass buttons, which he had borrowed from Ned Young and which was given the latter by his marster twenty years before. It was still new-looking, and rarely ever worn except on Sundays.

Damon wore a coat given him by his marster. It was too big and too long; however, it gave him a priestly look—was once worn by his “Mars’ Pinckney,” and of course, fit him. Shortly after they were seated, had sipped some water and cleared their throats loud enough for the deaf to hear, the Moses clock struck eight, whereupon Uncle Reubin arose and said: “Sistus an’ brudders, I hab bin ’pinted futto judge an’ ’cide dis rebate, which am, ‘Ef’n Ho, Ho wan’ uh Chine er Japne, who wuz he?’

“De jan’tor will please light de big lard-oil lamp, an’ ev’y nuss, dairy maid, maid, cook, laundress an’ farmhand, young an’ ole, is ’quested not ter gib any ’spression ter deah feelin’s ez dis house is sanctifide. I now hab de honah ter interjuice Brer Deacon Damon Danridge.”

Damon sipped water complacently, pulled up his coatsleeves that were too long, and said: “Sistus an’ brudders, I heahd meh Mars’ Pinckney ub de Piscopalium Chuch an’ de gret’s preacher on uth, say, ‘De gret’s books ebber writ wuz de Bible an’ uh book called Shakespeare,’ which say, ‘Dar’s mo’ things in heaben an’ yearth, Horace, dan wuz ebber dremp ub in our phlos’phy’ (phlos’phy means rash-nal), an’ I’s gwine ter cummenc’ meh speech wid de miration he woun’ up wid—leas’wise it will sorter clustah ’roun’ meh arg’ment.

“Lars wintah arfter meh Mars’ Pinckney got fros’-bit crossin’ Miles Ribber ferry, an’ wuz kep’ in bed, ev’y day he used ter read an’ ’splain de Bible ter me, an’ arfter he drap uh sleep, ter keep meh mind fum bein’ too sot on erligeon I used ter go down to Haylan’ Branch an’ set snares. One mawnin’ Little Billy went to de snares wid me, so in one ub ’em wuz uh dog fox, kotch by he tail.”

Deacon Jemes (interrupting): “What Little Billy an’ fox tails got ter do wid dis rebate?”

Damon Danridge: “Uncle Reubin, dis is de rash-nal part ub my discose.”

Uncle Reubin: “Is you layin’ de foundation, Damon?”

Damon: “Ezactly so; precisely!”

“Well, Little Billy he say, ‘Strange ter me Noahy didn’ pizin dem shirks in de yark, an’ strange, gre’t ez he wuz, he didn’ hab mo’ ’fluence wid de Petracks.’

“‘Erboutin’ what?’ sez I.

“‘Well,’ sez Little Billy, ‘why did dey meck de animals’ tails so curisome? Why did dey gib uh fox long hyah so uh fly kyant bite he skin, an’ uh long bushy tail dat ain’ no use ter him?’

“Kase when de fields is frosty, de houn’s feel good, an’ his tail git wet—jes’ full ub fros’ an’ dew—den dar’s sho’ ter be uh kilt fox, an’ den Mars Nickey will say, not pursidderin’ de wet tail, ‘Da ain’ no red fox on uth kin git erway fum meh houn’s.’

“Brudderin, dis is uh gre’t subjec’. Now, teck uh pig fuh instinct, dat we lubs ter eat; dat ain’ ornry like uh fox, yet he’s made fuh de flys ter pester! His leetle curly tail is not much bigger dan uh goose quill, an’ not mo’n harf ez long; uh tail he kyant switch when de blue-tail fly dribes him in de ribber.

“‘Well,’ sez I, ’s’posen de fox hab de pigtail; it would breck up fox huntin’; dey nebber cud ketch him den! Mo’n dat, de Bible say Sampson went out an’ kotch 300 foxes an’ tern ’em tail ter tail, an’ lit deah tails wid uh torch, den sot ’em loose an’ dey run ’mong de cawn an’ craps ub de Flistines an’ buhn ’em up. Now, s’spose Sampson, sted ub takin’ 300 foxtails, tuck 300 pigtails—sot dem uh fire. Da wud uh bin uh pow’ful lot ub squeelin’, dat’s all!’

“An’ Little Billy say, ‘Jes’ so; jes’ so!’

“Uh terrapin’s tail ain’ longer dan yo’ eyelash, an’ uh mus’rat’s tail almos’ ez long ez Rasmus’ foot; you skins mus’rats, hangs ’em up by de tail, an’ sells de skins, but you don’ sell terrapin skins, an’ don’ hang ’em up—consequencely dat’s de application.

“S’pose de peacock hab de elephant’s tail, an’ de elephant de peacock tail, now how wud dat look? Er uh cow had uh roostuh’s tail, an’ uh roostuh uh cow tail? Da is some free niggahs fum Henracka County, Furginny, haulin’ deah sain in Miles Ribber, an’ fum what I kin heah, dey wud soon breck up de breed ub chickins, ornless de chickins all hens. Jes’ tread on de roostuh’s tail, dat’s all.

“Sistus an’ brudders, I no I got yo’ condidence—I cud swap tails all night, an’ you wud see all de time de wissum ub de c’rator ergin swappin’. ‘Da is mo’ things in heaben an’ yearth, Horace, dan is dremp ub in our phlos’phy.’

“Now, dis is de rash-nal part ub meh discose, ter show dat you kyant change things ’doutin’ makin’ mustakes. You kyant meck Ho Ho uh Chine any mo’ dan you kin change de animals’ tails.

“Dese days people don’ meddowtate ernuff. Ef’n people wud meddowtate an’ read de Bible like I is fuh two weeks on dis subjec’, dey wud hab no doubt ’boutin de thurrybred Japne ped’gree ub Ho Ho. Hit’s plain ez daybreck, an’ I spressify ergin, you kyant change it any mo’ dan you kin change de animals’ tails.

“Now, dis brings us ter de pus-nal part ub meh discose, an’ ef’n you projic wid dat fambly you kyant git erway fum de fac’ dat Noahy wuz uh man ub quare tase, an’ prob’ly had uh harf dozen wibes, which wuz de fashion in dem days.

“Noahy mus’ uh bin uh man ve’y fon’ ub de differn’ shades ub color; fuh instinct, Ham’s Ma mus’ uh bin uh cullud pusson, Sham’s uh white pusson an’ Japheth’s uh Japne.

“I am confluent dat Ho Ho wuz uh Japne, wid uh strain ub Chine blood, an’ my phlos’phy will show it.

“De Bible tells us plain ez plain kin be, dat Noahy had three sons—Sham, Ham an’ Japheth. Sham, ez befo’ mentioned, wuz uh white pusson; Ham wuz uh cullud pusson, an’ Japheth mus’ uh bin uh Japne. I bleebe ef’n Noahy cud speak, he wud say so, an’ ef’n you will follow de application, hit will be ez clare ez de jewdraps on de vines, er de fros’ on de fodder.

“I ain’ bin ridin’ wid Mars Pinckney fuh nuffin.”

By this time the audience was fast getting “Japne,” and Rasmus anxious. So he said: “Damon, Mars Pinckney bin heppin’ you wid dis rebate!”

“Well, s’pose he is; don’ I ’long ter him an’ he ’long ter me?”

“Well, hit don’ pester me, fuh Mars Arthur holp me. He ain’ no preacher, but I reckon he kin read an’ wright ter keep pace wid de bes’ ub preachers.”

“Meshac wuz de son ub Japheth. He wuz uh cunjerrer an’ cud walk on fire, an’ ub cose he got hit fum he Japne Pa.

“In de fus’ book ub Cronicles, fus’ vus, by ’westigation, you will fine dat Japheth wuz de gre’t-gre’t-gre’t uncle ter Joktan, an’ he had uh son name Jobab (you see how dey keep up de fambly names), an’ Joktan wuz kin ter Mibsam (dat’s wha de Chine cross cum in), an’ Joktan wuz also uh connection ub Jakan. Well, put uh “p” wha dat “k” am, an’ you hab Japan. Mars Pinckney say hit’s plain ter his mind.

“Dar’s fusion in de Bible erbout de name, kase in some places dey call it Akan; an’ dat fusion is kase dey got uh “k” ’sted ub uh “p” in po’ Jakan’s name. It’s uh sad thing ter twiss uh man’s name dat way.

“Ez I hab de ’cludin’ re-marks, I will add mo’ ter de application ef’n Brer Rasmus rassles hyard wid de subjec’.”

Deacon Rasmus Jasper Jemes:

“Sistus an’ brudders ub Kyarline, Queen Anne’s an’ Talbot County: Ef’n Shake—what de res’ ub he name?”

Uncle Reubin Viney (with austerity)—“Shakespeare.”

“Well, ef’n Shakespeare an’ Horace (I dunno what Horace he talkin’ erbout, but ef’n he mean Miss Rodgers’ Horace, I won’ bleebe anything he say), an’ if dat book an’ Horace is ez ornsortin an’ mixed up ez de mirations ub Brer Damon Danridge, den I don’ think much ub de book. Mo’n dat, Rash-nal an’ Pus-nal got nuffin ter do wid dis rebate, an’, Brer Viney, I wan’ you ter rule Shakespeare, Horace, Rash-nal an’ Pus-nal outin’ it.

“Hits ornpropper ter talk erbout dat book ’long side de Bible. I wouldn’ walk ’cross dis room ter shake hands wid Shakes-peare, an’ ef’n de truf wuz knewed, I speck he wuz one ub dem Quakers.

“Belubbed, ev’ybody kin see fum Deacon Danridge speech dat he got no confluence in Ho Ho’s breedin’, ebin got ter bring pig-tails in dis rebate. What dey got ter do wid uh Japne er Chine?”

Deacon Damon Danridge—“Ef’n you had read any phlos’phy you’d no dat Chinese hab pig-tails.”

“You kyant see th’oo a millstone less’n it got uh hole in it, but you kin see th’oo uh pain ub glass ef’n da ain’ no hole in it, an’ it’s clare ez uh pain ub glass dat Ho Ho wan’ no Chine er Japne. I kyant read an’ spell so ve’y well, ez I nebber ’longed ter er dribe fuh uh Piscopalium preacher, but Little Billy kin read, an’ he bin readin’ ober an’ ober ter me de Book ub Cronicles, Rebellation, Jerry-Myehr, Sams, Daniel, Jona an’ Zacharihy, so I reckon dem books jes’ ez trufful ez de Book ub Genesis. Now, de Book ub Daniel say, chapter de fus’, “De chillun ub Juda, Daniel, Hana-Nia, Mishel an’ Azarihy all had deah name chang’ by Nebacudnezzer. Daniel’s change ter Bell-Shazzer, uh ooman’s name; Hana-Nia, uh man wid uh ooman’s name, ter Shadrack; Mishel ter Meshac, an’ Azarihy ter Abednegro. ’Cose he mus uh bin uh dark pusson like Ham””——

Deacon Damon Danridge—“Brer Jemes, kin you qualify dat lars miration?”

“Sut’ny I kin! Hit’s all in de Book ub Daniel erboutin de time Daniel saw de han’writin’ on de wall. Now, ef’n de chillun ub Juda had deah names changed, why cudn’ Noahy change de animals’ tails ef’n he felt like it? Brer Danridge, wha’s Rash-nal now? An’ wha’s yo’ condidence in Ho Ho’s breedin’?

“Why dey change de names ub dem chillun is mo’ dan I kin ondastan; dey wan’ ornry, an’ had dun nuffin; fac’ is, de king say [reading from the Bible], ‘Dey ten times better dan de musisioners an’ ’stronemers in de law;’ an’ dey wuz fine players, too. De Bible say, ‘Dey played de cornet, flute, hyarp, an’ sackbut.’ Dat lars’ instrument is ez much uh myst’ry ter me ez Ho Ho.

“We read in de book ub Daniel dey played all kinds ub music; mo’n dat, dey wuz all ’ceppin’ Daniel fireproof.

“I kin almos’ see sweet little Ham playin’ wid dem gre’t musisioners. Kin anybody see Ho Ho? Not ef he wuz uh Chine er Japne, kase dey wudn’ ’low no sech music ez dat dem days, when de Petracks made de laws.”

Now, Zacharyhy he only name fo’ pussons—(I’m readin’ fum de Book ub Zacharyhy)—an’ all de names ’ceppin’ Ho Ho’s cummenc’ wid de letter “b.” He lubbed “b” so much, wonder he didn’ name Ho Ho Bo Bo. I s’pose Brer Damon wud call Bochim, Bill-hah, Be-Tah, Beth-Sham an’ Belzebub Chine er Japne. Well, I reckon de lars one wuz Chine. Leab you alone, Brer Danridge, you’d meck rat-eaters ub all de saints.

“Obid, de pa ub Jesse, is only spoke ub uh few times in de Bible; how-some-ebber, he wuz uh gran’ man, an’ he gre’t-gre’t-gre’t-gre’t granpa wuz Ram.”

Damon—“Ras, you mean Sham.”

“No, I don’; I mean Ram! I reckon I bin readin’ an’ westigatin’ de Bible ez well ez Brer Damon, an’ I wan’ ter tell him when C’lumbus ’sciver’d Americy he ’sciver’d Talbot County befo’ he did Kyarline County. I s’pose you’d call Obid uh Chine?

“Ho Ho is only mentioned once in Zacharyhy’s narration, but think what er gre’t man he wuz, fuh de vus say, ‘Ho Ho, cum forth an’ flee fum de lan’ ub de North, saith de Lawd: fuh I hab spread you abroad (jes see what condidence Zacharyhy had in him) as de fo’ winds ub de heaben, saith de Lawd.’

“In dem days de fo’ winds mus’ uh all blow’d Souf, kase Zacharyhy tells him ‘Ter flee fum de lan’ ub de Norf.’

“My erpinion is dat Ho Ho wuz de nick name fuh one ub de Petracks, fuh I once heah Mars Pinckney say in uh sermon dat Ab’ham, Isaac er Jacob, I fogit which, dwelt in de Souf country.

“Zacharyhy knew how ter spressify hissef. ’Tain’ no use mentionin’ gre’t people all de time. Damon nose how ter spressify hissef sometimes, but not ter night. He wudn’ interjuice Rash-nal, Pus-nal, Horace, Shakespeare, an’ all sorts ub animals’ tails in dis rebate, ef’n he wan’t skeetin’ [skating] on thin ice, an’ fustyfied.

“Mo’n dat, is da any pusson heah dat s’poses Zacharyhy, whose Pa wuz uh king, would put all dat condidence in uh Japne er Chine?

“Lars’ but not leas’, Little Billy say he thinks he read somewha in de Bible dat Ho Ho hab a beard. Now, ef’n de Japnes an’ Chinese don’ hab beards dese days, ’twuz ornpossible dey had beards dem days.”

Uncle Reubin Viney: “Dis hab bin uh pow’ful arg’ment, an’ arfter careful meddowtatin’, I ’sposed ter think Ho Ho uh Japne wid two Chine crosses, but it’s uh subjec’ ub gre’t consequation; dafo’ I pint Pawson Phil Demby, Deacon Damon Danridge an’ Deacon Rasmus Jasper Jemes arbiters futto such de Scripturs, an’ ef’n dey fine Ho Ho had heavy whiskus den I ’cide Ho Ho wan’ no Japne er Chine.”

Little Billy: “Pawson Demby, hit woudn’ s’prise me ef’n hoe-cake wuz Ho Ho cake, name arfter Ho Ho. John Poney al’ays sez ho ho cake.”

Tilly Mink: “Dat’s kase he stutters! Let dat man’s tung ’lone, Billy; you no he tung-tide.”

Deacon Rasmus Jasper Jemes (with great ostentation): “Uncle Reubin, it’s bad ’nuff ter hab Horace, Rash-nal, Pus-nal an’ Shakespeare in dis rebate, an’ wussa still ter call Ho Ho uh Japne er Chine, but ter call de sweet hoe-cake uh Japne er Chine cake, is mo’ dan I kin ondastan, an’ hit’s scanlous an’ ornichious.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

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