MAUD. [To herself] I must get that expression.
TOPPING. Lunch has been ready some time, Miss Maud. MAUD. I don't want any lunch. Did you give it? TOPPING. Miss Athene was out. I gave the message to a young party. She looked a bit green, Miss. I hope nothing'll go wrong with the works. Shall I keep lunch back? MAUD. If something's gone wrong, they won't have any appetite, Topping. TOPPING. If you think I might risk it, Miss, I'd like to slip round to my dentist. [He lays a finger on his cheek]. MAUD. [Smiling] Oh! What race is being run this afternoon, then, Topping? TOPPING. [Twinkling, and shifting his finger to the side of his nose] Well, I don't suppose you've 'eard of it, Miss; but as a matter of fact it's the Cesarwitch. MAUD. Got anything on? TOPPING. Only my shirt, Miss. MAUD. Is it a good thing, then? TOPPING. I've seen worse roll up. [With a touch of enthusiasm] Dark horse, Miss Maud, at twenty to one. MAUD. Put me ten bob on, Topping. I want all the money I can get, just now. TOPPING. You're not the first, Miss. MAUD. I say, Topping, do you know anything about the film? TOPPING. [Nodding] Rather a specialty of mine, Miss. MAUD. Well, just stand there, and give me your opinion of this.
What should you say I was? TOPPING. Guilty, Miss. MAUD. [With triumph] There! Then you think I've got it? TOPPING. Well, of course, I couldn't say just what sort of a crime you'd committed, but I should think pretty 'ot stuff. MAUD. Yes; I've got them here. [She pats her chest]. TOPPING. Really, Miss. MAUD. Yes. There's just one point, Topping; it's psychological. TOPPING. Indeed, Miss? MAUD. Should I naturally put my hand on them; or would there be a reaction quick enough to stop me? You see, I'm alone—and the point is whether the fear of being seen would stop me although I knew I couldn't be seen. It's rather subtle. TOPPING. I think there's be a rehaction, Miss. MAUD. So do I. To touch them [She clasps her chest] is a bit obvious, isn't it? TOPPING. If the haudience knows you've got 'em there. MAUD. Oh! yes, it's seen me put them. Look here, I'll show you that too.
All right? TOPPING. [Nodding] Fine, Miss. You have got a film face. What are they, if I may ask? MAUD. [Reproducing the sealing-wax] The Fanshawe diamonds. There's just one thing here too, Topping. In real life, which should I naturally do—put them in here [She touches her chest] or in my bag? TOPPING. [Touching his waistcoat—earnestly] Well! To put 'em in here, Miss, I should say is more—more pishchological. MAUD. [Subduing her lips] Yes; but— TOPPING. You see, then you've got 'em on you. MAUD. But that's just the point. Shouldn't I naturally think: Safer in my bag; then I can pretend somebody put them there. You see, nobody could put them on me. TOPPING. Well, I should say that depends on your character. Of course I don't know what your character is. MAUD. No; that's the beastly part of it—the author doesn't, either. It's all left to me. TOPPING. In that case, I should please myself, Miss. To put 'em in 'ere's warmer. MAUD. Yes, I think you're right. It's more human. TOPPING. I didn't know you 'ad a taste this way, Miss Maud. MAUD. More than a taste, Topping—a talent. TOPPING. Well, in my belief, we all have a vice about us somewhere. But if I were you, Miss, I wouldn't touch bettin', not with this other on you. You might get to feel a bit crowded. MAUD. Well, then, only put the ten bob on if you're sure he's going to win. You can post the money on after me. I'll send you an address, Topping, because I shan't be here. TOPPING. [Disturbed] What! You're not going, too, Miss Maud? MAUD. To seek my fortune. TOPPING. Oh! Hang it all, Miss, think of what you'll leave behind. Miss Athene's leavin' home has made it pretty steep, but this'll touch bottom—this will. MAUD. Yes; I expect you'll find it rather difficult for a bit when I'm gone. Miss Baldini, you know. I've been studying with her. She's got me this chance with the movie people. I'm going on trial as the guilty typist in "The Heartache of Miranda." TOPPING. [Surprised out of politeness] Well, I never! That does sound like 'em! Are you goin' to tell the guv'nor, Miss?
MAUD. All right, Topping; hope you won't lose a tooth. TOPPING. [With a grin] It's on the knees of the gods, Miss, as they say in the headlines.
MAUD. I believe that's them. Shivery funky.
BUILDER. [Entering from the hall and crossing to the fireplace] Monstrous! Really monstrous!
BUILDER. Well, Camille? CAMILLE. A sistare from the Sacred 'Eart, Monsieur—her little book for the orphan children. BUILDER. I can't be bothered—What is it? CAMILLE. Orphan, Monsieur. BUILDER. H'm! Well! [Feeling in his breast pocket] Give her that.
CAMILLE. I am sure she will be veree grateful for the poor little beggars. Madame says she will not be coming to lunch, Monsieur. BUILDER. I don't want any, either. Tell Topping I'll have some coffee. CAMILLE. Topping has gone to the dentist, Monsieur; 'e 'as the toothache. BUILDER. Toothache—poor devil! H'm! I'm expecting my brother, but I don't know that I can see him. CAMILLE. No, Monsieur? BUILDER. Ask your mistress to come here.
CAMILLE. Yes, Monsieur.
BUILDER. [Shaking his head-abruptly] No. Bring the coffee! CAMILLE. Is Monsieur not well? BUILDER. Yes—quite well. CAMILLE. [Sweetening her eyes] A cutlet soubise? No? BUILDER. [With a faint response in his eyes, instantly subdued] Nothing! nothing! CAMILLE. And Madame nothing too—Tt! Tt! With her hand on the door she looks back, again catches his eyes in an engagement instantly broken off, and goes out. BUILDER. [Stock-still, and staring at the door] That girl's a continual irritation to me! She's dangerous! What a life! I believe that girl—
BUILDER. There's some coffee coming; do your head good. Look here, Julia. I'm sorry I beat on that door. I apologize. I was in a towering passion. I wish I didn't get into these rages. But—dash it all—! I couldn't walk away and leave you there. MRS BUILDER. Why not? BUILDER. You keep everything to yourself, so; I never have any notion what you're thinking. What did you say to her? MRS BUILDER. Told her it would never work. BUILDER. Well, that's something. She's crazy. D'you suppose she was telling the truth about that young blackguard wanting to marry her? MRS BUILDER. I'm sure of it. BUILDER. When you think of how she's been brought up. You would have thought that religion alone— MRS BUILDER. The girls haven't wanted to go to church for years. They've always said they didn't see why they should go to keep up your position. I don't know if you remember that you once caned them for running off on a Sunday morning. BUILDER. Well? MRS BUILDER. They've never had any religion since. BUILDER. H'm! [He takes a short turn up the room] What's to be done about Athene? MRS BUILDER. You said you had done with her. BUILDER. You know I didn't mean that. I might just as well have said I'd done with you! Apply your wits, Julia! At any moment this thing may come out. In a little town like this you can keep nothing dark. How can I take this nomination for Mayor? MRS BUILDER. Perhaps Ralph could help. BUILDER. What? His daughters have never done anything disgraceful, and his wife's a pattern. MRS BUILDER. Yes; Ralph isn't at all a family man. BUILDER. [Staring at her] I do wish you wouldn't turn things upside down in that ironical way. It isn't—English. MRS BUILDER. I can't help having been born in Jersey. BUILDER. No; I suppose it's in your blood. The French— [He stops short]. MRS BUILDER. Yes? BUILDER. Very irritating sometimes to a plain Englishman—that's all. MRS BUILDER. Shall I get rid of Camille? BUILDER. [Staring at her, then dropping his glance] Camille? What's she got to do with it? MRS BUILDER. I thought perhaps you found her irritating. BUILDER. Why should I?
Put it there. I want some brandy, please. CAMILLE. I bring it, Monsieur.
BUILDER. Topping's got toothache, poor chap! [Pouring out the coffee] Can't you suggest any way of making Athene see reason? Think of the example! Maud will be kicking over next. I shan't be able to hold my head up here. MRS BUILDER. I'm afraid I can't do that for you. BUILDER. [Exasperated] Look here, Julia! That wretched girl said something to me about our life together. What—what's the matter with that? MRS BUILDER. It is irritating. BUILDER. Be explicit. MRS BUILDER. We have lived together twenty-three years, John. No talk will change such things. BUILDER. Is it a question of money? You can always have more. You know that. [MRS BUILDER smiles] Oh! don't smile like that; it makes me feel quite sick!
CAMILLE. The brandy, sir. Monsieur Ralph Builder has just come. MRS BUILDER. Ask him in, Camille. CAMILLE. Yes, Madame.
MRS BUILDER. John wants to consult you, Ralph. RALPH. That's very gratifying.
About the Welsh contract? BUILDER. No. Fact is, Ralph, something very horrible's happened. RALPH. Athene gone and got married? BUILDER. No. It's—it's that she's gone and—and not got married.
Jolly, isn't it? RALPH. To whom? BUILDER. A young flying bounder. RALPH. And why? BUILDER. Some crazy rubbish about family life, of all things. RALPH. Athene's a most interesting girl. All these young people are so queer and delightful. BUILDER. By George, Ralph, you may thank your stars you haven't got a delightful daughter. Yours are good, decent girls. RALPH. Athene's tremendously good and decent, John. I'd bet any money she's doing this on the highest principles. BUILDER. Behaving like a— RALPH. Don't say what you'll regret, old man! Athene always took things seriously—bless her! BUILDER. Julia thinks you might help. You never seem to have any domestic troubles. RALPH. No—o. I don't think we do. BUILDER. How d'you account for it? RALPH. I must ask at home. BUILDER. Dash it! You must know! RALPH. We're all fond of each other. BUILDER. Well, I'm fond of my girls too; I suppose I'm not amiable enough. H'm? RALPH. Well, old man, you do get blood to the head. But what's Athene's point, exactly? BUILDER. Family life isn't idyllic, so she thinks she and the young man oughtn't to have one. RALPH. I see. Home experience? BUILDER. Hang it all, a family's a family! There must be a head. RALPH. But no tail, old chap. BUILDER. You don't let your women folk do just as they like? RALPH. Always. BUILDER. What happens if one of your girls wants to do an improper thing? [RALPH shrugs his shoulders]. You don't stop her? RALPH. Do you? BUILDER. I try to. RALPH. Exactly. And she does it. I don't and she doesn't. BUILDER. [With a short laugh] Good Lord! I suppose you'd have me eat humble pie and tell Athene she can go on living in sin and offending society, and have my blessing to round it off. RALPH. I think if you did she'd probably marry him. BUILDER. You've never tested your theory, I'll bet. RALPH. Not yet. BUILDER. There you are. RALPH. The 'suaviter in modo' pays, John. The times are not what they were. BUILDER. Look here! I want to get to the bottom of this. Do you tell me I'm any stricter than nine out of ten men? RALPH. Only in practice. BUILDER. [Puzzled] How do you mean? RALPH. Well, you profess the principles of liberty, but you practise the principles of government. BUILDER. H'm! [Taking up the decanter] Have some? RALPH. No, thank you.
CAMILLE. [Entering] Madame left her coffee.
BUILDER. Life isn't all roses, Ralph. RALPH. Sorry, old man. BUILDER. I sometimes think I try myself too high. Well, about that Welsh contract? RALPH. Let's take it. BUILDER. If you'll attend to it. Frankly, I'm too upset.
RALPH. [Catching sight of her] Hallo! All well in your cosmogony, Maud? MAUD. What is a cosmogony, Uncle? RALPH. My dear, I—I don't know.
BUILDER. [Re-entering] Well, Maud! You'd have won your bet! MAUD. Oh! father, I—I've got some news for you. BUILDER. [Staring at her] News—what? MAUD. I'm awfully sorry, but I-I've got a job. BUILDER. Now, don't go saying you're going in for Art, too, because I won't have it. MAUD. Art? Oh! no! It's the—[With a jerk]—the Movies.
BUILDER. [Impressively] I'm not in a joking mood. MAUD. I'm not joking, father. BUILDER. Then what are you talking about? MAUD. You see, I—I've got a film face, and— BUILDER. You've what? [Going up to his daughter, he takes hold of her chin] Don't talk nonsense! Your sister has just tried me to the limit. MAUD. [Removing his hand from her chin] Don't oppose it, father, please! I've always wanted to earn my own living. BUILDER. Living! Living! MAUD. [Gathering determination] You can't stop me, father, because I shan't need support. I've got quite good terms. BUILDER. [Almost choking, but mastering himself] Do you mean to say you've gone as far as that? MAUD. Yes. It's all settled. BUILDER. Who put you up to this? MAUD. No one. I've been meaning to, ever so long. I'm twenty-one, you know. BUILDER. A film face! Good God! Now, look here! I will not have a daughter of mine mixed up with the stage. I've spent goodness knows what on your education—both of you. MAUD. I don't want to be ungrateful; but I—I can't go on living at home. BUILDER. You can't—! Why? You've every indulgence. MAUD. [Clearly and coldly] I can remember occasions when your indulgence hurt, father. [She wriggles her shoulders and back] We never forgot or forgave that. BUILDER. [Uneasily] That! You were just kids. MAUD. Perhaps you'd like to begin again? BUILDER. Don't twist my tail, Maud. I had the most painful scene with Athene this morning. Now come! Give up this silly notion! It's really too childish! MAUD. [Looking at him curiously] I've heard you say ever so many times that no man was any good who couldn't make his own way, father. Well, women are the same as men, now. It's the law of the country. I only want to make my own way. BUILDER. [Trying to subdue his anger] Now, Maud, don't be foolish. Consider my position here—a Town Councillor, a Magistrate, and Mayor next year. With one daughter living with a man she isn't married to— MAUD. [With lively interest] Oh! So you did catch them out? BUILDER. D'you mean to say you knew? MAUD. Of course. BUILDER. My God! I thought we were a Christian family. MAUD. Oh! father. BUILDER. Don't sneer at Christianity! MAUD. There's only one thing wrong with Christians—they aren't! BUILDER Seizes her by the shoulders and shakes her vigorously. When he drops her shoulders, she gets up, gives him a vicious look, and suddenly stamps her foot on his toe with all her might. BUILDER. [With a yowl of pain] You little devil! MAUD. [Who has put the table between them] I won't stand being shaken. BUILDER. [Staring at her across the table] You've got my temper up and you'll take the consequences. I'll make you toe the line. MAUD. If you knew what a Prussian expression you've got!
No! It's too deep! BUILDER. Are you my daughter or are you not? MAUD. I certainly never wanted to be. I've always disliked you, father, ever since I was so high. I've seen through you. Do you remember when you used to come into the nursery because Jenny was pretty? You think we didn't notice that, but we did. And in the schoolroom—Miss Tipton. And d'you remember knocking our heads together? No, you don't; but we do. And— BUILDER. You disrespectful monkey! Will you be quiet? MAUD. No; you've got to hear things. You don't really love anybody but yourself, father. What's good for you has to be good for everybody. I've often heard you talk about independence, but it's a limited company and you've got all the shares. BUILDER. Rot; only people who can support themselves have a right to independence. MAUD. That's why you don't want me to support myself. BUILDER. You can't! Film, indeed! You'd be in the gutter in a year. Athene's got her pittance, but you—you've got nothing. MAUD. Except my face. BUILDER. It's the face that brings women to ruin, my girl. MAUD. Well, when I'm there I won't come to you to rescue me. BUILDER. Now, mind—if you leave my house, I've done with you. MAUD. I'd rather scrub floors now, than stay. BUILDER. [Almost pathetically] Well, I'm damned! Look here, Maud— all this has been temper. You got my monkey up. I'm sorry I shook you; you've had your revenge on my toes. Now, come! Don't make things worse for me than they are. You've all the liberty you can reasonably want till you marry. MAUD. He can't see it—he absolutely can't! BUILDER. See what? MAUD. That I want to live a life of my own.
BUILDER. I don't know what's bitten you. MAUD. The microbe of freedom; it's in the air. BUILDER. Yes, and there it'll stay—that's the first sensible word you've uttered. Now, come! Take your hat off, and let's be friends! MAUD looks at him and slowly takes off her hat. BUILDER. [Relaxing his attitude, with a sigh of relief] That's right! [Crosses to fireplace]. MAUD. [Springing to the door leading to the hall] Good-bye, father! BUILDER. [Following her] Monkey!
BUILDER. What's the matter with that door? CAMILLE. It was bolted, Monsieur. BUILDER. Who bolted it? CAMILLE. [Shrugging her shoulders] I can't tell, Monsieur.
BUILDER. [Surprised] What? No! Who'd be happy in a household like mine? CAMILLE. But so strong a man—I wish I was a strong man, not a weak woman. BUILDER. [Regarding her with reluctant admiration] Why, what's the matter with you? CAMILLE. Will Monsieur have another glass of brandy before I take it? BUILDER. No! Yes—I will.
CAMILLE. A light, Monsieur? BUILDER. Please. CAMILLE. [She trips over his feet and sinks on to his knee] Oh! Monsieur!
Oh! Monsieur— BUILDER. You little devil!
BUILDER. [Pushing her back from him, whether at the sound of the door or of a still small voice] What am I doing? CAMILLE. Kissing. BUILDER. I—I forgot myself.
CAMILLE. It was na-ice. BUILDER. I didn't mean to. You go away—go away! CAMILLE. Oh! Monsieur, that spoil it. BUILDER. [Regarding her fixedly] It's my opinion you're a temptation of the devil. You know you sat down on purpose. CAMILLE. Well, perhaps. BUILDER. What business had you to? I'm a family man. CAMILLE. Yes. What a pity! But does it matter? BUILDER. [Much beset] Look here, you know! This won't do! It won't do! I—I've got my reputation to think of! CAMILLE. So 'ave I! But there is lots of time to think of it in between. BUILDER. I knew you were dangerous. I always knew it. CAMILLE. What a thing to say of a little woman! BUILDER. We're not in Paris. CAMILLE. [Clasping her hands] Oh! 'Ow I wish we was! BUILDER. Look here—I can't stand this; you've got to go. Out with you! I've always kept a firm hand on myself, and I'm not going to— CAMILLE. But I admire you so! BUILDER. Suppose my wife had come in? CAMILLE. Oh! Don't suppose any such a disagreeable thing! If you were not so strict, you would feel much 'appier. BUILDER. [Staring at her] You're a temptress! CAMILLE. I lofe pleasure, and I don't get any. And you 'ave such a duty, you don't get any sport. Well, I am 'ere!
BUILDER. [On the edge of succumbing] It's all against my—I won't do it! It's—it's wrong! CAMILLE. Oh! La, la! BUILDER. [Suddenly revolting] No! If you thought it a sin—I—might. But you don't; you're nothing but a—a little heathen. CAMILLE. Why should it be better if I thought it a sin? BUILDER. Then—then I should know where I was. As it is— CAMILLE. The English 'ave no idea of pleasure. They make it all so coarse and virtuous. BUILDER. Now, out you go before I—! Go on!
[Stammering] Oh! Here you are—I wanted you.
BUILDER. Going out? MRS BUILDER. Obviously. BUILDER. Where? MRS BUILDER. I don't know at present. BUILDER. I wanted to talk to you about Maud. MRS BUILDER. It must wait. BUILDER. She's-she's actually gone and— MRS BUILDER. I must tell you that I happened to look in a minute ago. BUILDER. [In absolute dismay] You! You what? MRS BUILDER. Yes. I will put no obstacle in the way of your pleasures. BUILDER. [Aghast] Put no obstacle? What do you mean? Julia, how can you say a thing like that? Why, I've only just— MRS BUILDER. Don't! I saw. BUILDER. The girl fell on my knees. Julia, she did. She's—she's a little devil. I—I resisted her. I give you my word there's been nothing beyond a kiss, under great provocation. I—I apologise. MRS BUILDER. [Bows her head] Thank you! I quite understand. But you must forgive my feeling it impossible to remain a wet blanket any longer. BUILDER. What! Because of a little thing like that—all over in two minutes, and I doing my utmost. MRS BUILDER. My dear John, the fact that you had to do your utmost is quite enough. I feel continually humiliated in your house, and I want to leave it—quite quietly, without fuss of any kind. BUILDER. But—my God! Julia, this is awful—it's absurd! How can you? I'm your husband. Really—your saying you don't mind what I do—it's not right; it's immoral! MRS BUILDER. I'm afraid you don't see what goes on in those who live with you. So, I'll just go. Don't bother! BUILDER. Now, look here, Julia, you can't mean this seriously. You can't! Think of my position! You've never set yourself up against me before. MRS BUILDER. But I do now. BUILDER. [After staring at her] I've given you no real reason. I'll send the girl away. You ought to thank me for resisting a temptation that most men would have yielded to. After twenty-three years of married life, to kick up like this—you ought to be ashamed of yourself. MRS BUILDER. I'm sure you must think so. BUILDER. Oh! for heaven's sake don't be sarcastic! You're my wife, and there's an end of it; you've no legal excuse. Don't be absurd! MRS BUILDER. Good-bye! BUILDER. D'you realise that you're encouraging me to go wrong? That's a pretty thing for a wife to do. You ought to keep your husband straight. MRS BUILDER. How beautifully put! BUILDER. [Almost pathetically] Don't rile me Julia! I've had an awful day. First Athene—then Maud—then that girl—and now you! All at once like this! Like a swarm of bees about one's head. [Pleading] Come, now, Julia, don't be so—so im practicable! You'll make us the laughing-stock of the whole town. A man in my position, and can't keep his own family; it's preposterous! MRS BUILDER. Your own family have lives and thoughts and feelings of their own. BUILDER. Oh! This damned Woman's business! I knew how it would be when we gave you the vote. You and I are married, and our daughters are our daughters. Come, Julia. Where's your commonsense? After twenty-three years! You know I can't do without you! MRS BUILDER. You could—quite easily. You can tell people what you like. BUILDER. My God! I never heard anything so immoral in all my life from the mother of two grownup girls. No wonder they've turned out as they have! What is it you want, for goodness sake? MRS BUILDER. We just want to be away from you, that's all. I assure you it's best. When you've shown some consideration for our feelings and some real sign that we exist apart from you—we could be friends again— perhaps—I don't know. BUILDER. Friends! Good heavens! With one's own wife and daughters! [With great earnestness] Now, look here, Julia, you haven't lived with me all this time without knowing that I'm a man of strong passions; I've been a faithful husband to you—yes, I have. And that means resisting all sorts of temptations you know nothing of. If you withdraw from my society I won't answer for the consequences. In fact, I can't have you withdrawing. I'm not going to see myself going to the devil and losing the good opinion of everybody round me. A bargain's a bargain. And until I've broken my side of it, and I tell you I haven't—you've no business to break yours. That's flat. So now, put all that out of your head. MRS BUILDER. No. BUILDER. [Intently] D'you realise that I've supported you in luxury and comfort? MRS BUILDER. I think I've earned it. BUILDER. And how do you propose to live? I shan't give you a penny. Come, Julia, don't be such an idiot! Fancy letting a kiss which no man could have helped, upset you like this! MRS BUILDER. The Camille, and the last straw! BUILDER. [Sharply] I won't have it. So now you know.
Julia, I tell you— [The outer door is heard being closed] Damnation! I will not have it! They're all mad! Here—where's my hat?
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