Fust. I am glad you have made your escape; but I hope you will make the matter up before the day of action: come, Mr Firebrand, now if you please go on; the moment Common Sense goes off the stage Law and Physick enter. Fireb. Oh! my good lords of Physick and of Law, Law. I am not now Phys. In Warwick-lane my powers expect me now: Fireb. My lords, you merit greatly of the queen, [Exeunt FIREBRAND, LAW, and PHYSICK Fust. Now, Mr Sneerwell, we shall begin my third and last act; and I believe I may defy all the poets who have ever writ, or ever will write, to produce its equal: it is, sir, so crammed with drums and trumpets, thunder and lightning, battles and ghosts, that I believe the audience will want no entertainment after it: it is as full of shew as Merlin's cave itself; and for wit—no rope-dancing or tumbling can come near it. Come, begin. [A ridiculous march is played. Enter Queen IGNORANCE, attended with Singers, Fidlers, Rope-dancers, Tumblers, &c. Q. Ign. Here fix our standard; what is this place called? 1_Att_. Great madam, Covent-garden is its name. Q. Ign. Ha! then methinks we have ventured too far, [Drum beats within. But ha! what means this drum? 1_Att_. It beats a parley, not a point of war Enter HARLEQUIN. Harl. To you, great queen of Ignorance, I come Q. Ign. Where are the hostages? Harl. Madam, I have brought Q. Ign. Read the catalogue. Harl. [Reads.] "A tall man, and a tall woman, hired at a vast price. A strong man exceeding dear. Two dogs that walk on their hind legs only, and personate human creatures so well, they might be mistaken for them. A human creature that personates a dog so well that he might almost be taken for one. Two human cats. A most curious set of puppies. A pair of pigeons. A set of rope-dancers and tumblers from Sadler's-wells." Q. Ign. Enough, enough; and is it possible Harl. Madam, they will most gratefully receive it. The character you give would recommend it, Though it had come from a less powerful hand. Q. Ign. The Modish Couple is its name; myself Stood gossip to it, and I will support This play against the town. I Att. Madam, the queen Of Common Sense advances with her powers. Q. Ign. Draw up my men, I'll meet her as I ought; This day shall end the long dispute between us. Enter Queen COMMON SENSE with a Drummer. Fust. Hey-day! where's Common Sense's army? Promp. Sir, I have sent all over the town, and could not get one soldier for her, except that poor drummer, who was lately turned out of an Irish regiment. Drum. Upon my shoul but I have been a drummer these twenty years, master, and have seen no wars yet; and I was willing to learn a little of my trade before I died. Fust. Hush, sirrah! don't you be witty; that is not in your part. Drum. I don't know what is in my part, sir; but T desire to have something in it; for I have been tired of doing nothing a great while. Fust. Silence! Q. C. S. What is the reason, madam, that you bring These hostile arms into my peaceful realm? _Q. Ign. To ease your subjects from that dire oppression They groan beneath, which longer to support Unable, they invited my redress. Q. C. S. And can my subjects then complain of wrong? Base and ungrateful! what is their complaint? Q. Ign. They say you do impose a tax of thought Upon their minds, which they're too weak to bear. Q. C. S. Wouldst thou from thinking then absolve mankind? Q. Ign. I would, for thinking only makes men wretched; Q. C. S. Urgest thou that against me, which thyself Q. Ign. What is this folly, which you try to paint Sneer. This Ignorance, Mr Fustian, seems to know a great deal. Fust. Yes, sir, she knows what she has seen so often; but you find she mistakes the cause, and Common Sense can never beat it into her. Q. Ign. Sense is the parent still of fear; the fox, Q. C. S. Know, queen, I never will give up the cause Sneer. Methinks, Common Sense, though, ought to give it up, when she has no more to defend it. Fust. It does indeed look a little odd at present; but I'll get her an army strong enough against its acted. Come, go on. Q. Ign. Then thus I hurl defiance at thy head. Draw all your swords. Q. C. S. And, gentlemen, draw yours. Q. Ign. Fall on; have at thy heart. [A fight Q. C. S. And have at thine. Fust. Oh, fie upon't, fie upon't! I never saw a worse battle in all my life upon any stage. Pray, gentlemen, come some of you over to the other side. Sneer. These are Swiss soldiers, I perceive, Mr Fustian; they care not which side they fight of. Fust. Now, begin again, if you please, and fight away; pray fight as if you were in earnest, gentlemen. [They fight.] Oons, Mr Prompter! I fancy you hired these soldiers out of the trained bands—they are afraid to fight even in jest. [They fight again.] There, there—pretty well. I think, Mr Sneerwell, we have made a shift to make out a good sort of a battle at last. Sneer. Indeed I cannot say I ever saw a better. Fust. You don't seem, Mr Sneerwell, to relish this battle greatly. Sneer. I cannot profess myself the greatest admirer of this part of tragedy; and I own my imagination can better conceive the idea of a battle from a skilful relation of it than from such a representation; for my mind is not able to enlarge the stage into a vast plain, nor multiply half a score into several thousands. Fust. Oh; your humble servant! but if we write to please you and half a dozen others, who will pay the charges of the house? Sir, if the audience will be contented with a battle or two, instead of all the raree-fine shows exhibited to them in what they call entertainments—— Sneer. Pray, Mr Fustian, how came they to give the name of entertainments to their pantomimical farces? Fust. Faith, sir, out of their peculiar modesty; intimating that after the audience had been tired with the dull works of Shakspeare, Jonson, Vanbrugh, and others, they are to be entertained with one of these pantomimes, of which the master of the playhouse, two or three painters, and half a score dancing-masters are the compilers. What these entertainments are, I need not inform you, who have seen 'em; but I have often wondered how it was possible for any creature of human understanding, after having been diverted for three hours with the production of a great genius, to sit for three more and see a set of people running about the stage after one another, without speaking one syllable, and playing several juggling tricks, which are done at Fawks's after a much better manner; and for this, sir, the town does not only pay additional prices, but loses several fine parts of its best authors, which are cut out to make room for the said farces. Sneer. 'Tis very true; and I have heard a hundred say the same thing, who never failed being present at them. Fust. And while that happens, they will force any entertainment upon the town they please, in spite of its teeth. [Ghost of COMMON SENSE rises.] Oons, and the devil, madam! what's the meaning of this? You have left out a scene. Was ever such an absurdity as for your ghost to appear before you are killed. Q. C. S. I ask pardon, sir; in the hurry of the battle I forgot to come and kill myself. Fust. Well, let me wipe the flour off your face then. And now, if you please, rehearse the scene; take care you don't make this mistake any more though, for it would inevitably damn the play if you should. Go to the corner of the scene, and come in as if you had lost the battle. Q. C. S. Behold the ghost of Common Sense appears. Fust. 'Sdeath, madam, I tell you you are no ghost—you are not killed. Q. C. S. Deserted and forlorn, where shall I fly. The battle's lost, and so are all my friends. Enter a Poet. Poet. Madam, not so; still you have one friend left. Q. C. S. Why, what art thou? Poet. Madam, I am a poet. Q. C. S. Whoe'er thou art, if thou'rt a friend to misery, Know Common Sense disclaims thee. Poet. I have been damn'd Because I was your foe, and yet I still Courted your friendship with my utmost art. Q. C. S. Fool! thou wert damn'd because thou didst pretend Poet. Then take a ticket for my benefit night. Q. C. S. I will do more—for Common Sense will stay Quite from your house, so may you not be damn'd. Poet. Ha! say'st thou? By my soul, a better play Enter FIREBRAND. Fireb. Thanks to the Sun for this desired encounter. Q. C. S. Oh, priest! all's lost; our forces are o'erthrown— Some gasping lie, but most are run away. Fireb. I knew it all before, and told you too The Sun has long been out of humour with you. Q. C. S. Dost thou, then, lay upon the Sun the faults Of all those cowards who forsook my cause? Fireb. Those cowards all were most religious men: And I beseech thee, Sun, to shine upon them. Q. C. S. Oh, impudence! and darest thou to my face?— Fireb. Yes, I dare more; the Sun presents you this, [Stabs her. Which I, his faithful messenger, deliver. Q. C. S. Oh, traytor! thou hast murder'd Common Sense. Fireb. She's gone! but ha! it may beseem me ill Enter Queen IGNORANCE, &c. Q. Ign. Beat a retreat; the day is now our own; Sneer. How the devil should it, when she's dead? Fust. One would think so, when a cavil is made against the best thing in the whole play; and I would willingly part with anything else but those two lines. Harl. Behold! where welt'ring in her blood she lies. I wish, sir, you would cut out that line, or alter it, if you please. Fust. That's another line that I won't part with; I would consent to cut out anything but the chief beauties of my play. Harl. Behold the bloody dagger by her side, With which she did the deed. Q. Ign. 'Twas nobly done! Enter Messenger. Mess. Madam, I come an envoy from Crane-court. Q. Ign. We gratefully accept their bounteous gifts, |