We’ll Take the Solar System

(From the L. A. Times)

Personal—Lady 26, quiet, traveled, experienced in business or will assume domestic work for opportunity in music and art. Prefer aged person financially able who would appreciate ray of sunshine. Address MP.

One “Bier” Makes a Jolly Party

(Cuba City, Wis., News-Herald)

An auto load of Benton girls, consisting of the Hunter sisters, Miss Calvert, Miss Ayer, and another one, attended the funeral Tuesday, and put in the rest of the time fishing, etc. They had a jolly fine time.

Gus is a Good Ex-Farmer

(From the Peoria Journal)

Would like acquaintance of good business man or a young farmer, like one with car, for pastime and results. Address C. A., care Star.

It’s Quite Cool Now at Breezy Point

(Adv. of Chicago Beach Hotel)

Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very comfortable.

Has Your Wife Gone to the Country?

(From the Denver Post)

Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must earn money; do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers confidential. I need money. Will go the limit to get it.

One at a Time

Years ago when W. A. McConnell was manager of the Brooklyn theater he had a pet parrot which was kept in the box office. During a “big run” the ticket seller was wont to say, “Get in line, please; one at a time, one at a time, gentlemen.”

The bird escaped one afternoon, and McConnell commissioned some boys to find it, which they did on an old tree in a nearby park, where several crows were making its feathers fly. McConnell asked if the bird said anything and the leader of the boys replied: “Yes, he said, ‘Get in line, please; one at a time, one at a time, gentlemen.’”

We Should Worry

The porch was dark. The hour was late. The couple sat whispering among the shadows.

“Mary,” called a voice, “it’s time for you to come in.”

No movement.

“Come in, Mary.”

Still no movement.

He asked: “Don’t you mind your mother?”

“Not unless you do, Jimmy.”

Here’s Lookin’ Atchew!

Boy—“What is a grass widow?”

Father—“A woman whose husband died with the hay fever.”

Something to Worry About

Among the things you read about but never see is a crease in a fat man’s trousers.

“Along the Road”

Broadway’s Leg Lane

(From New York Times)

HOMELESS HUSBANDS—If you want a friend, a pal—a WIFE!—look for one like the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in this, the age of sex and shekels—surely not in the endless procession of poppy-painted dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an O’Shanter witch; all with skirts so tight as to make them goat-gaited; so short that these bogus beauties have turned the most beautiful Avenue of the world into a mere leg lane—a free rival of the sash-clad ladies of a Broadway burlesque.

These Were the Good Old Days

“Step up, boys! Ladies not allowed! See for yourself. And we all paid the two bits and saw a jackass.”

Let me introduce myself. My name is Sol.

Any relation to Lysol?

No, Ingersoll. Watch me!

Torch Pulls This One

It’s a long road that has no roadhouse.