  This Soots Me(From the Spokane Spokesman-Review) Young man, industrious, wants to meet lady with enough cash to have her chimney swept. Dan Vall. * * * Whatcha Got?(From Richmond, Va., Times Despatch) Have four daughters; would like to put them in a business of their own. What have you to offer? P.O. Box 1092, City. * * * And Everything(From The Duluth Herald) I got 10 aker of fine green timber dat I like for to sell on Miller Trunk Highway near Duluth. It bane yust vat yu want for a gude place to build cabin and have high old time, hunt yack rabbit & everything. I like for to go back to Norway & will sell very sheep. Write Lars Boguson, 1302 E. 8th St. * * * Ain’t We Got Fun?(From The Aberdeen World) WANTED—Girl or lady to stay with me nights; room rent free. A-26, care of World. * * * The Wild and Woolly West(From Casper, Wyo., Herald) TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—In justice to my husband to quiet a few rumors to the effect that he had beaten me up, during our recent family trouble, is absolutely untrue. Signed, Mrs. Bessie Peters. * * * Jonah came from the whale with an awful cough. * * * The Busted Air HoseAn Italian was selling plaster of paris busts of great personages on the streets in New York. His cry was “Garibaldi, the greata man ina Italy, George Wash tha greata man ina United States. Tena centa each.” An American, thinking to have some fun with him, took one of his busts of Garibaldi, dropped it on the pavement and said, “To hell with your Garibaldi.” The wop, not to be outdone, took one of his statues of Washington, threw it on the sidewalk, and said “To hell with your Georga Wash.” * * * That Ought to Cool ItJerry recently took Gwendoline for a ride in his new car and returned rather late. Approaching a steep hill he stopped the car, got out and raised the hood. “What’s the matter now?” asked Gwen. “I must cool the engine before I try to make that hill,” replied Jerry. “Oh, goodness alive,” said Gwen, “It is getting so awfully late. Why don’t you strip the gears?” * * * Tweet, Tweet“I never spoke a cross word to my wife but once.” “Quite remarkable, that.” “Not so very. See that scar?” * * * How We Do ItA witty political candidate, after making a speech in an agricultural district, announced that he would be glad to answer any question that might be put to him. A voice from the audience: “You seem to know a lot about a farmer’s difficulties. May I ask you a question about a momentous one?” “Certainly,” replied the candidate, nervously. “How can you tell a bad egg?” went on the merciless voice. The candidate waited until the laughter had died down, then replied, “If I had anything to tell a bad egg I think I should break it gently.” He won the place. * * * April Fool!It was only an old beer bottle, Floating across the foam, Just an old beer bottle, Far away from home. Only an old beer bottle, With these sad words written on, “Whoever finds this beer bottle, Will find that the beer’s all gone.” * * * Another Married Chestnut“I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man running off with you.” “What did you say to him?” “I asked him what he was running for.” * * * For Men OnlyWhen you play poker you take a chance; when you marry you have no chance. * * * Maids want nothing but husbands; after that they want everything. * * * Most of the women who cry at weddings have been married themselves. * * * Our Carpenter HeroHe “hammered” on the door; was answered by a girl who wore a white “sash,” and asked if he could get a “square” meal. He “saw” that the place was “plane” but clean, and “planking” himself down to the table, he “braced” his legs beneath the chair, and “bit” into a Parker “House” roll. His “nails” were rather dirty, but he met the “stairs” of those about him with a “level” glance. After “bolting” his food, he “shingled” off a dollar bill, paid the girl, opining that it was a good place to “board.” * * * The tenants who formerly lived on the floor above said that our baby balled them out. * * * Hi Say, ChappieMaybelle (coquettishly)—You tickle me, Duke. The Duke—My word, what a strange request! * * * Action vs. WordsHave you ever After an evening Of anticipation Finally arrived At the crucial moment And with a Depth breath Taken the.... Initial step Aeons later A small voice Somewhere is Heard to say “Don’t” While two arms About one’s neck Refute the argument. —Voo Doo. * * * Friday SpecialRestaurant patron—Have you any whale, waiter? No, sir. Have you any shark? No, sir. Then give me a T bone steak. God knows I asked for fish. * * * “Waiter! There’s a fly in my ice cream.” “Serves him right; let him freeze.” |
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