A Serious Accident

(From Zanesville Times-Recorder)

Miss Mayite Collins has sued John L. Nelson at Columbus for $5,000.00 damages as the result of an accident on the bathing-beach toboggan at Buckeye Lake last July. Miss Collins says she picked up a splinter while sliding down the toboggan, severely wounding her dignity.

A Soft Job

(From Omaha Bee)

More ladies wanted for decorating pillows at home. Experience unnecessary.

Our Agony Column

(From the London Post)

T. B. (Maiden Lane)—Very many thanks—and more power to your elbow. Best wishes to Madame and “her wicked sister.”

Suppose He Comes Home?

(From the Nashville Tennessean.)

Account husband traveling and being uneasy at nights will rent one or two rooms to congenial gentlemen at moderate rate in modern brick home; easy walking distance. Apply in person, 1506 McGavock.

The Corset Revue

(From the Jersey Journal.)

WANTED—Stout model and perfect medium figure for corset promenade for three evenings. Apply at once, 162 Monticello Ave.

A fool friend can wield a hammer as effectively as a bitter enemy.

Everybody’s Winner

An old colored mammy whose husband had just successfully sued for divorce came slowly down the court-house steps, talking to herself: “Dar ain’t no justice in dis heah wo’ld. Dat useless ol’ husband of mine he got his divorce, he got de house, got de money, got mah free chil’en and dey ain’t none of ’em his’n.”

Blank Verse

Perhaps Luther was right when he said that God is a piece of white paper upon which every man draws a picture of his own face.

Atchew!

Lotta—“What gave George that awful cold?”

Bull—“I don’t know, but I saw him out on the lawn with a mighty thin girl last night.”

If She Squeaks, Oil Her

(From Our Navy)

“The rifle is the marine’s best friend,” he said. “He must never neglect it. He must treat it as he treats his wife and wipe it over with an oily rag twice a day.”

Shall We Forgive Her?

A dainty little blonde miss of twenty-two stepped into a phone booth. She drew forth from a small trunk (called a vanity case) a nickel. She placed the nickel in the slot with the softest, white and well kept hands that anyone has seen. She took up the receiver and with a soft sweet voice of a great singer spoke the number to the operator. She waited and waited and waited and waited, first on one foot and then on the other. She had waited an awful long time. All of a sudden she banged the receiver down and hissed between her lovely, pearly teeth, a well sounded “Damn it.”

The fellow who asks a girl for a kiss doesn’t stand half a chance with the live wire who kisses a girl first and then asks her how she likes it.

Liberal Wife

Wife (to attractive husband)—“Have you kissed the new cook yet, William?”

Husband—“Why—er—no.”

Wife—“Well, stupid, what are you waiting for? You know what a hard time we had to get her.”

People who live in rag houses shouldn’t throw bones.

Honesty, the Cheap Policy

Hear John West got two years for stealing a horse?

Yes, serves him right. Why didn’t he buy it and not pay?

Preacher—Don’t you know it’s wrong to put worms on that hook and insert it in a fish?

Johnnie—These aren’t worms, but that’s what the other suckers thought.

The strength of a kiss is generally measured by its length.—Byron.

All Some Have to Tell

“Why is it,” asks the exchange man of The Arkansas Gazette, “that a man rarely grows too old or too religious to get a thrill out of telling what a devil he was in his youth?”

Man proposes, woman supposes, marriage composes and divorce exposes.

That Waltz

BY THE GEORGIA CRACKER

As the music began, the lights grew soft and dim. I watched the couples as they passed like phantoms in the darkness.

Then I saw her, dancing with some wretched novice who could scarcely keep on his feet. How lovely and how wretched she looked.

“Kathleen!” I exclaimed, half aloud, and advanced.

“May I break?” I asked, and took her into my arms.

Her dancing—how can I describe it? She moved like some sprite—sure-footed languorous, as light as a summer cloud.

Drawing her to me, I suited my steps to the slow, yearning melody of the waltz. As we glided in the semi-darkness, oblivious of the passing couples she pressed her glowing cheek to mine and breathed quickly.

“Oh”—

“Sweetheart, why cannot I hold you like this forever? I feel that you are a part of my very soul!”

“Hold me—oh, hold me tight!”

“I have lived always for this moment. Dearest, you are the only girl in the whole world—you are the whole world”—

And there, our eyes closed in ecstasy, I kissed her.

“I love you! The universe was made for the rapture of this moment. The stars have shone in vain for ages that they might light your eyes now! All time has been but a prelude to this second! Say you love me! Just say it!”

“Oh, Jimmy, you know I do!”

“Why, Kathleen, this isn’t Jimmy!” I cried.

“And this isn’t Kathleen,” replied the stranger.

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