  Let Us Sing “Mother O’ Mine”(From Honolulu Advertiser.) Four sows with babies and 25 half-bredded Toggenberg goats. M. Fernandez, Tenth Avenue, Palolo. * * * Joys of Waiters(From Honolulu Advertiser.) A working housekeeper is wanted to take charge of a small hotel and two first-class waiters. Apply The Roselawn, 1366 S. King street. * * * Frisco’s Sanitary Corps(From the San Francisco Examiner.) Would like to communicate with a lady that wants to make money on a sanitary article for women, ranging from 14 years to 45. I can not handle, but will co-operate. For further particulars, write box 68898, Examiner. * * * A Classified Special(From the Daily University Californian.) FOR RENT—One woman. Furnished room with sleeping porch; beautiful view. Three blocks north of campus. 4695W. * * * Pedigreed Bull(From Denver News and Times.) Well marked pedigreed Boston terrier puppies, sired by Dinty Moore. 1364 York St. * * * Going Out(An Advertisement.) WANTED: Man to run a soft drink parlor out of town. * * * How’re Everythings?A Boston youth is the hero of this account in the “Globe”: His parents were what is known as “high-brow,” but they also were good sports. So, when he suggested taking them to a restaurant in the market district of Boston, they agreed. The mother’s exquisite clothes stamped her as a society woman, but democracy reigns supreme at the market restaurant. They sat down at the table. The waiter handed the mother a menu and then leaned confidentially forward over the back of the chair and said: “Well, sister, what’s the good news?” * * * The Height of SociabilityVirgil W. Church found a case containing 79 half pints of bonded whisky on his farm near here. He notified the police.—Michigan City (Ind.) Dispatch. * * * Tough GuysA couple of darkies argued on the street— “If yo go with dat gal, I’ll cut yo up in pieces so small a ant kin swaller yo.” “If yo do I’ll hit yo so ha’d it will make a bump on yo haid so big that when dey call the ambulance dey will put the bump inside and yo’all will have to walk.” * * * Overheard in a HospitalA negress rolled her eyes heavenward and exclaimed: “Oh, Lawd if dis am a sample ob married life, I’se glad I’se only engaged.” * * * Homeopathic DoseJazzbo—Please, Mistah Bahbah, I’d like a nickel’s worth o’ hair tonic. Barber—What in the world do you want with a nickel’s worth for when it’s selling for a dollar a pint? Want to restore the eyebrows on a flea? Jazzbo—Nossuh nossuh. Wanta fix mah watch. It’s got a speck o’ dandruff in the hair spring. * * * Fleas Be FleasIf flies are flies, Because they fly, And fleas are fleas Because they flee, Then bees are bees Because they be. * * * Quick, Doctor!An inquisitive maiden lady, touring Yellowstone Park came to the boiling lake. “Say, Mr. Guide, does this lake ever freeze?” “Oh, yes, it froze a thin coat of ice last winter and a young lady went skating on it. She broke through the ice and scalded her foot.” * * * The Life of the PartyWhen Roscoe Arbuckle was star in “The Life of the Party,” the film adapted from Irving Cobb’s Saturday Evening Post yarn, little did he realize that he would play a similar role in real life. Poet Gordon tells about it in these verses. By R. C. Gordon. A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun, Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton, Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play; His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day. He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends, And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend? Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went well Until one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell. “Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,” But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death. She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind, Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind. “They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said, And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead. Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray, For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day. * * * A London ReportComplaining at Tottenham of assault, a woman said this was the second time the same man had assaulted her. “I took no notice when he kicked me the first time,” she said, “because it was dark, and I took it to be my husband.” “Then I saw it was a stranger, and I screamed.” * * * “I hate to be a kicker, and generally stand for peace; but the wheel that does the squeaking is the wheel that gets the grease.”—Kipling. |
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