Many a man’s reputation depends on what isn’t found out about him.

Women are divided into two classes; those who desire husbands and those who desire single men.

A good man who has gone wrong is in reality a bad man who has just been found out.

The charity that begins at home is usually a stranger elsewhere.

And we note that the banker continues to take a lot of interest in his work.

The fellow who is driven to drink will take a long ride these days.

Why not appoint an electrician to censor movies. He is used to shocking things.

Love has all senses except common-sense.

What has become of the old fashioned man who used to be able to hit a bullseye on the spittoon at thirty feet range?

Authorities have ruled that liquor can be placed in mince pies legally. But if we had the liquor, we wouldn’t wait for the pie.

A Minnesota man has a dog that chews tobacco and still has some sense left. But it doesn’t drink the liquor peddled these days.

A writer to the Whiz Bang asks, “Is marriage a success.” We’ll solve the question by letting the married folk fight it out among themselves.

A politician says the American people are being coddled too much. He’s right. Even the bootleggers won’t let you pour out your own drink any more.

The amount of money a man has is the difference between his love for that evil and his love for women.

Women estimate friends by the advantages to be derived from them.

Men suspect women too much and “THE WOMAN” not enough.

An old husband is an honor to his wife.

Balzac said: “Woman is a creature between man and the angels.” How true, if it were not for her all men would have an easy road to heaven.

Love may be blind, but don’t take chances and come home with a long silk stocking in your pocket.

Powder is the dust the gods have given women wherewith to blind the eyes of men.

All men are not homeless, but some are home less than others.

Man is often blind to virtue, but never to beauty.

The frail young thing who is too tired to run an errand for mother can wear out the huskiest man on the dance floor.

Goosey, Goosey Gander

The Smiths heard Liza Gander, their maid, in the bathroom laughing and giggling for nearly an hour.

“What’s so funny, Liza?” asked Mrs. Smith, knocking on the bathroom door.

“Lawsa me,” replied Liza between giggles. “Ize so nervous, ah caint dry mesself.”

Discounting a Discount

A real estate agent was offered fifty dollars, less two and a half percent discount for cash, for an option on a piece of property. Being a poor mathematician and wishing to conceal his ignorance of arithmetic from his customer, he excused himself for a minute and sought his new stenographer.

“Good morning, Miss Brown,” he said in his most expansive smile. “Delightful weather we’re having, ain’t it? Now, tell me, if I were to give you fifty dollars, less two and a half percent discount for cash, how much would you take off?”

Instead of figuring it out, the young lady promptly put on her hat and coat and went home, saying she had been insulted. Darned if we can see what there was to get insulted over. If she couldn’t figure it out, why didn’t she say so and let it go at that.

A Pullman porter has just compiled a book on Berth Control.

Too Much Smell

Mandy was gazing upon the shop window display of toilet water hungrily.

“Come on ’way from dar, Mandy,” said Rastus warily, “or yo all will be tempted to buy some.”

“Rastus, Ah’s gwine to buy a bottle ob dat toilet water.”

“Ah, c’mon ’way, Mandy. Yo’ all smell like a toilet watah already.”

A Carman’s Love Code

When a woman is sulky and will not speak—EXITER.

If she gets too excited—CONTROLLER.

If she talks too much—INTERRUPTER.

If her ideas and yours do not coincide—CONVERTER.

If she is willing to come half way—METER.

If she comes all the way—RECEIVER.

If she wants to go further—CONDUCTER.

If she wants to go all the way—DISPATCHER.

If she proves you did her wrong—COMPENSATER.

If she goes up in the air—CONDENSER.

If she wants chocolates—FEEDER.

If she will permit you—KISSER.

If she wants to dance—JAZZ WITH HER.

A New Proposal

Business Was Good

A gob on a furlough telegraphed his ship commander as follows:

“Sir: Just got married. Please wire me ten-day extension of leave to finish honeymoon.”

Why He Needs Paper

The Rocky Ford, Colorado, Gazette-Topic prints this one:

The editor met a farmer reader on the street who was considerably in arrears with his subscription and suggested that the farmer liquidate, come across, dig up a little coin, but the farmer said he had no money.

“Well,” said the editor, “bring in some chickens.”

“I have no chickens,” said the farmer.

“Then,” said the scribe, “bring in some potatoes, corn, wheat or something.”

“I have no corn, no wheat or potatoes,” said the farmer.

“Well,” continued the pencil pusher, “you might bring in some cobs, I can burn them anyway.”

“Cobs,” said the farmer, “cobs, why man if I had cobs I wouldn’t need your paper.”

A Choice of Evils

“Would you marry her just because she’s wealthy? Don’t you know she has a questionable past?”

“Well, what of it? If I don’t marry her I shall have a questionable future.”

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