Friendship, taken in its strict sense, that is to say as affection exempt from the attraction of the senses, plays an immense part in the lives of men and women.

Friendship, as between men, is based on moral equality. The tie uniting two minds and two hearts creates the same rights and the same duties for each of the friends, no matter how different their degree of fortune and rank in the world. Where friendship is, there is reciprocity. This is what made La BoÉtie, Montaigne’s great friend, say: “Friendship is a sacred name, it is a holy thing.... There can be no friendship where there is cruelty, disloyalty, or injustice.... The wicked are not friends, but accomplices.”

I must quote here an admirable passage from Emerson, whose judgment is sound concerning what is high, great and forceful in the dual character of Friendship: “The sufficient reply to the sceptic, who doubts the power of the furniture of man, is in that possibility of joyful intercourse with persons, which makes the faith and practice of all reasonable men. I know of nothing life has to offer so satisfying as the profound good understanding which can subsist, after much exchange of good offices, between two virtuous men, each of whom is sure of himself, sure of his friend. It is a happiness which postpones all other gratifications, and makes politics, and commerce, and churches, cheap. For, when men shall meet as they ought, each a benefactor, a shower of stars, clothed with thoughts, with deeds, with accomplishments, it should be a festival of Nature which all things announce. Of such friendship, love in the sexes is the first symbol, as all other things are symbols of love. These relations to the best men—which, at one time, we reckoned the romances of youth—become, in the progress of character, the most solid enjoyment.”

Friendship between women is somewhat different from that between men, just because it excludes the feeling of equality. It is very rare, in spite of the best education, that a woman will forget her rank and fortune with a friend who becomes her protÉgÉe. It is no less rare when a woman in a humble position does not resent any outward inequality. The result is that friendship between women is not a continual delightful exchange of feeling and opinion, but rests more on interest.

One of the most beautiful forms of friendship, as some think, is that between man and woman. Between persons of the highest education and refined tastes, such friendship not only plays a great part in life, but becomes a necessity, for it increases the intellectual power of both parties. It is very like disinterested love, and is governed by secret influences which give it its value. Certain people have the gift of drawing out our confidences; there are others the very sight of whom makes our heart rejoice. Our spiritual force, our eloquence, often come into play simply through the presence of such a beloved friend.

There is a peculiar feeling of confidence between the sexes; friendship between a man and a woman has something in it graver, deeper than any other. Even in family relationships, what I call “home friendship” depends entirely on this kind of mutual dependence. Cases are rare of sons turning against their mother, or of sisters who fail their brothers.

Friendship is said to be blind; I believe, on the contrary, that it is clear-sighted as to the duties entailed upon it, and needs no vow to make it binding.

If, for a man, a friend of his own sex is a second self, for a woman a man-friend is at once a confidant, a counsellor and a protector. He represents authority with reverence, incalculable devotion; he becomes the symbol of that Good which signifies refuge from suffering, forgiveness when one has erred.

For a man, a woman friend is everything; yet his feeling for her is the purest in the world, the affection which asks nothing in return.

Yet too great intimacy may kill friendship, which—to quote Emerson again—follows the laws of divine necessity; unless the things of daily life have become of common interest between the friends. But even then the friendship should be in some sort kept in a shrine apart lest it fall into the commonplace.

Yes, truly, the human heart desires a friend. It seeks him everywhere, even from childhood, and when it has found him, it is proud of him as of a victory through which it has won happiness, strength, the incentive to become better. We carry our friend’s eyes in our own; in his absence, they mirror his care for us. His coming strikes a note of triumph in our brain, his presence lightens every moment and makes our happiness. Montaigne did violence to a beautiful gift of the spirit in denying the existence of friendship between men and women; and Nietzsche declares too lightly, and without taking into account the moral worth of the individual, that for the maintenance of friendship between a man and woman a little physical aversion is necessary.

Certainly, Don Juan and Ninon de Lenclos could not have been friends; but it is equally certain that a beautiful woman may win the purest friendship of a charming man, for friendship between man and woman springs from a train of circumstances which lead them into soul fellowship, the sharing of similar tastes, and an affection entirely of the spirit. The constant interchange of high thought, the brotherly and sisterly tone of the relationship, safeguard the friends against becoming lovers.

The nature of each contributes greatly, in these heart unions, to the friendship’s being compatible with prudence and consideration for the feelings of others. It is obvious that a friendship begun between two people of unbalanced mind is almost always fatal, but two dissimilar natures, if morally equal, steady one another by a friendship which becomes for them a safety-valve.

For instance, a man with a calm temperament, but not a cold heart, will be the best of friends for an impulsive woman, and render her the greatest services that life can give.

Let us look at this loving friendship, so much discussed, so often described and cried down.

I said that friendship between man and woman was a form of disinterested love; it is a love based on mental sympathy, on respect for moral qualities, on admiration for certain actions or certain thoughts expressive of a character. In this kind of friendship, affection, which springs from the heart, governs love, which springs from the senses.

This form of friendship is not to be despised, dangerous though it may seem in the eyes of severe moralists or of hypocrites. Take such a case. If either of the friends needs advice on some matter he or she has deeply at heart, such advice will not be well considered, unbiased, and to the point, unless free from all jealousy—coming from the heart and not from the nerves.

Then, and then only, can this friendship be a precious resource, a deep, protective affection claiming not possession as its reward.