"Hilloa," he said, "you're late!" "No, I'm not," Gilbert replied. "Yes, you are. The Jaynes have gone!" "I saw them going. I've been here for over half-an-hour, waiting for you!" "Over half-an-hour! What's up, Gilbert?" Gilbert put his arm in Henry's and made him move out of the Savoy courtyard. "Come down to the Embankment," he said. "It's quieter there. I want to talk to you!" "But hadn't we better go home? We can talk on the way. It's late...." "No. I want to go to the Embankment. Damn it all, Quinny, it's a sentimental place for a heart-to-heart talk, isn't it?" "You aren't drunk, Gilbert, I suppose?" "Never so sober in my life, Quinny. Besides, I don't get drunk. People who talk about beer and whisky as much as I do, never get drunk. Come along, there's a good chap!" "Very well ... only I'm not going to stay long. I'm no good for work the day after I've had a long night...." "I won't keep you long. How did the supper-party go off?" "Damnably. Two tame novelists turned up ... Boltt and Lensley!" "Those asses!" "Yes. Lensley 'chattered' to Lady Cecily, and Boltt bored and bored and bored.... I took him down a bit. I rubbed in the Morning Report review. The little toad could hardly sit still! Of course, he affected the superior person attitude!" "God be merciful to him, poor little rat! He wants to be a wicked, hell-for-leather fellow, but he hasn't got the stomach for it! What did Cecily say when I didn't turn up?" "She looked rather cross. She told me as we came away to tell you she was angry with you. You're to go and apologise to her as soon as possible!" "Did she?" "Yes. I say, Gilbert, why didn't you turn up?" They had reached the Embankment, and they crossed to the riverside and leant against the parapet. "Because I was afraid to," said Gilbert. "Afraid to!" "Yes. Can't you see I'm in love with her?" "Well, I guessed as much...." "I love her so much that she can do what she likes with me, and all she likes to do is to destroy me!" "Destroy you!" "Yes. If you love Cecily, she demands the whole of your life. Every bit of it. She consumes you.... Oh, I know this sounds like a penny dreadful, Quinny, but it's true. I've asked her to run away with me, but she won't come. She says she hates scandal and she likes her social position. My God, I feel sick when I see Jimphy with her ... like a damned big lobster putting his ... his claws about her. He isn't a bad fellow in his silly way, but I can't stand him as Cecily's husband!" "I know what you mean," said Henry. "I thought that if Cecily and I were to go away together, we could get our lives into some sort of perspective, and then I could go on with my work and have her as well, but she won't go away with me. She wants me to hang around, being her lover ... and I can't do that, Quinny. It's mean and furtive, and I hate that. You're always listening for some one coming ... a servant or the husband or some one ... and I can't stand that. If I love a woman, I love her, and I don't want to spend part of my life in pretending that I don't. I loathe myself when I have to change the talk suddenly or move away when a door opens.... Do you understand, Quinny?" Henry nodded his head, but did not speak. "Once when I'd been begging Cecily to go away with me, Jimphy walked into the room ... and I had to pretend to be talking about some nasturtiums that Cecily had grown. I felt like a cad. That's what's rotten about loving another man's wife. It's the treachery of the thing, the pretending.... I've often wondered why it is that love of that sort seems so romantic and splendid in books and so damnably mean when it comes into the Divorce Court ... but when I met Cecily I knew why ... it's because of the treachery and the deceit. I used to think that it was beautiful in books because artists were able to see the hidden beauty, and ugly in the Divorce Court because ordinary people only saw the surface things ... but I'm not sure now." He stopped speaking, but Henry did not speak instead. He did not know what to say; he felt indeed that there was nothing to be said, that he must simply listen. He watched the electric signs on the other side of the river as they spelt out the virtues of Someone's Teas and Another's Whisky, and wondered how long it would be before Gilbert said something else. He was beginning to be bored by the business, and he felt sleepy. He was jealous too, when "Cecily doesn't mind about the shabbiness of it," he heard Gilbert saying. "We've talked about that, and she says it doesn't matter a bit. All that matters to her is that she shan't be found out ... too publicly anyhow! She called me a prig when I said that I was afraid of tainting my work...." "Tainting your work?" "Yes. Perhaps it is priggish of me, but I feel that if I'm mean in one thing I may be mean in another. I'm terribly afraid of doing bad work, Quinny, and I got an idea into my head that if I let taint into my life in one place, I couldn't confine it and it would spread to other places. Do you see? If I let myself get into a rotten position with Cecily, I might write down...." "I don't see that," said Henry. "Because you love a married woman, it doesn't follow that you'll pot-boil." "No, perhaps not. But I was afraid of it. I suppose it was priggish of me. That wasn't the only thing, however. I knew that if I did what Cecily wanted me to do, I'd spend most of my time with her or thinking about her. I can't work if I'm doing that, for I think of her and long for her.... Oh, let's go home. It isn't fair to keep you here listening to my twaddle!" But they did not move. They gazed down on the swiftly-flowing river, and presently they heard Big Ben striking one deep note. "One o'clock!" said Gilbert. "What are you going to do about it, Gilbert?" Henry asked at last. "I'm going away from London. I've chucked my job on the Daily Echo...." "Good Lord, man, what for?" "Well, I'm fed-up with the English theatre to begin with, and I'm fed-up with journalism too ... and it's the only way I can get free of Cecily. I must finish the "You're excited, Gilbert!" "Yes, I know I am. When I'm with Cecily, I'm like a jelly-fish. She sucks the brains out of me. She doesn't care whether I finish my comedy or not. She doesn't care what happens to my work so long as I hang around and love her and kiss her whenever she wants me to. My brains go to bits when I'm with her. I'm all emotion and sensation ... just like those asses Lensley and Boltt. Quinny, fancy spending your life turning out the sort of stuff those two men write. They've written about a dozen books each, and I suppose they're good for twenty or thirty more. I'd rather be a scavenger!" They walked along the Embankment towards Waterloo Bridge. "I'm going to Anglesey," Gilbert said. "I shall go and stay there until the end of the summer!" "I shall miss you, Gilbert. So will Ninian and Roger!" "I shall miss you three, but it can't be helped. I'm the sort of man who succumbs to women ... I can't help it. If they're beautiful and soft and full of love ... like Cecily ... they down me. Their femininity topples me over, and there's no work to be got out of me while I'm like that. But my work's of more consequence to me than loving and kissing, Quinny, and if I can't do it while I'm Cecily's lover, then I'll go away from her and do it!" "What makes you think you could do it if she were to go away with you?" "I don't know. Hope, I suppose." They walked up Villiers Street into the Strand, and made their way towards Bloomsbury. "I suppose," said Gilbert, "you wouldn't like to come to Anglesey too?" Henry hesitated for a few moments. He had a vision of Lady Cecily's beautiful face leaning against the padded side of the car, and he remembered that she had smiled and waved her hand to him.... "No," he replied, "I don't think so ... not at present at any rate!" and then, added in explanation, "If I go, too, the house will be broken up. That would be a pity!" "I forgot that," Gilbert answered. "Yes, of course!" |