[This extraordinary “hero” either bore false witness against his neighbour, a poor artisan, or (taking his own word for it) saved the nation from great disaster and ruin by putting out a fire that no one saw but himself.]

We’ve heard of great fires in city and town,
And many disasters by fire are known;
But surely this fire which I’m going to tell,
Was worse than Mount Ætna, Vesuvius or hell;
For the great prophesy it no doubt would fulfill,
But for heroic watchman at Calversike Hill.

This fire it broke out in the night it was said,
While peacefully each villager slept in his bed;
And so greatly the flames did illumne all the skies,
That it took the big watchman all in surprise.
Yet great was the courage and undaunted skill
Of the heroic watchman of Calversike Hill.

He swore by his Maker, the flames rose so high,
That within a few yards, sir, it reached to the sky;
And so greatly it lighted up mountains and dales,
He could see into Ireland, Scotland and Wales!
And so easily the commons did swallow his pill,
That they fin’d the poor artist of Calversike Hill.

Now, there’s some foolish people are led to suppose,
It was by some shavings this fire first arose;
But yet, says our “hero,” I greatly suspect,
This fire was caused by the grossest neglect.
But I’m glad it’s put out, let it be as it will,
Says the heroic watchman of Calversike Hill.

He needed no witness to swear what he had done,
Yet if he had wanted he could have had one;
For one Tommy Twister, that never was there,
Saw the sparks from the chimney, as they flew in the air,
The greatest sized coal pot no doubt they would fill,
Like the head of the hero of Calversike Hill.

So many brave thanks to this heroic knave,
For thousands of lives no doubt he did save,
And but for this hero disaster had spread,
And smothered the nation while sleeping in bed;
But to save all his people it was the Lord’s will,
Through the heroic watchman at Calversike Hill.

So mind and be careful and put out your lights,
All ye with red noses in case they ignite,
Or perhaps from your bed you may have to leap,
In case this great watchman chances to sleep.
For as rumours are spread, he is fond of his gill,
Is the heroic watchman of Calversike Hill.