THE Crab walks sideways, not because his build

Precludes the possibility of walking straight,

And not (as some have thought) that he is filled

With strange and lawless theories on gait;

Still less that he is foolishly self-willed

And prone to show off or exaggerate.

No serious student of his life and ways

Will venture to impugn his common sense;

His tact and moderation win high praise

Even from those whose faculties are dense

And blind to the false issues which they raise

When they accuse him of malevolence.

"But, ah!" these shallow hide-bound pedants cry,

"If to the Crab all virtues you concede,

If his intentions are not evil, why

This sidelong walk,

Original

These flanking steps that lead

To no advancement of Humanity,

No exaltation of the mortal breed?

"Why not go forward as the Sword-fish goes?

Or move straight backward, like the jibbing Horse

Why this absurd and pitiable pose

That takes delight in any devious course?

Why this dislike to 'following the nose'

Which all the best authorities endorse?"

Insensate fools. Swims not the Cod in curves?

Does not the running Roebuck leap and bound

If in his flight the Capercailzie swerves,

Shall he be mocked by every Basset-hound

Who, having neither feathers, wings, nor nerves,

Has not the pluck to rise up from the ground?

Peace, peace, the Crab adopts a side-long walk,

For reasons still impossible to see.

And if his pride permitted him to talk

To any one who did not do as he,

His instinct would be, probably, to balk

The hopes of vulgar curiosity.

And while the schoolmen argue and discuss,

And fill the air with "whats," and "whens," and "whys,"

And demonstrate as: thus, and thus, and thus,

The crab will pulverise their theories,

And put an end to all this foolish fuss

By walking sideways into Paradise.