Physiognomy is the most important of all studies. Well versed in this science, no man will be cursed with a scolding wife, a pilfering servant, or an imbecile teacher for the offspring of his connubial felicity. It has ever been my favourite pursuit; and, when a child, I would not have tossed up with a pieman if he had exhibited a crusty countenance. Lavater's immortal works are my vade mecum, and I have carefully collected engraved portraits to discover the character of every individual the limner had painted ere I read their lives. I lately found that the Marquis of —— had pursued a similar plan. His splendid gallery of pictures is well known in all Europe; but his collection of portraits at his favourite seat in —— has been seen but by a few privileged persons, and I, fortunately, was one of the number, having been taken to his delightful mansion by his librarian, an old college chum.

Over the entrance of this gallery is an allegorical painting by Watteau, or Lancret, which my guide explained. On the summit of a rock, apparently of granite, and older than the Deluge, rose the Temple of Fame. The paths that led to it, were steep and intricate, difficulties that were not foreseen by the travellers tempted to thread this labyrinth by the roseate bowers that formed their entrance, inviting the weary pilgrim to seek a soft repose in their refreshing shade. But when he awoke from his peaceful slumber and delicious visions, renovated and invigorated, to pursue his journey, the scene soon changed; brambles, bushes, and tangling weeds impeded his path; and, despite the apparent solidity of the ground he trod, quicksands and moving bogs would often dishearten the most adventurous. Numerous were the travellers who strove to ascend the height, but few attained its wished-for summit; while many of them, overcome with fatigue, and despairing of success, stopped at some of the houses of reception, bad, good, and indifferent, that they found on the road-side.

However, the back part of the acclivity presented a different prospect. There, the rock formed a terrific precipice, that no one could ascend by the ordinary means of locomotion. A balloon at that period had not been invented; yet I beheld a good number of visitors merrily hopping over the flowery mead that led to the temple, culling posies and running after butterflies, and in hearty fits of laughter on beholding the poor pilgarlicks who were puffing and blowing in vain to climb up the other face of the hill. The success of these fortunate adventurers amazed me, until my cicerone pointed out to me, a personage fantastically dressed in the height of fashion, bewhiskered and moustached, hoisting up his favourite companions with a rope, securely fastened to the brink of the cliff. This individual, I found, was a brother of the goddess, and his name was Effrontus. His sister had long endeavoured to rid herself of his importunities, and had frequently complained to Jupiter to send the knave out of the country; but the fellow had so ingratiated himself at court,—more especially with the ladies, one of whom, by name Famosa, supported him in all his extravagancies,—that he snapped his fingers at his sister, and, by means of a latch-key, (forged by Vulcan as a reward to Mercury for his vigilance over his wife, when he was obliged to be absent in his workshop,) he could admit his impertinent cronies into the very sanctum of her abode, where they not only revelled in every luxury, but actually sent out their scouts and tigers to increase the obstacles that rendered the roads up the hill more impracticable, and terrify by alarming reports the timid voyagers who were struggling up the rugged steep. The contrast between these adventurers was curious. The creatures of Effrontus, whom he had hoisted up, were all clad in cloth of gold, or in black suits of silk and broadcloth, and some of them wore large wigs of various forms and dimensions; while the poor pilgrims were all in tatters, and, to all appearance, not rich enough to purchase wigs, although they most needed them, as they were nearly all bald or greyheaded. Howbeit, these fortunate candidates for celebrity were not always prosperous; for the height they had ascended, swinging to and fro by the rope of Effrontus, like boys bird-nesting in the Isle of Wight, suspended from the cliff, frequently made them giddy, and occasioned vertigoes and dimness of sight, in consequence of which they would sometimes fall over the precipice when they fancied they were roaming about in security, and were dashed to pieces in the very dirty valley where not long before they had grovelled.

This allegory appeared to me ingenious; but when my guide opened the door, and I found myself in a room hung round with portraits of celebrated physicians, I observed that the painting was most applicable to the gallery. My companion smiled at my remark, and proceeded to describe some of the doctors whose likenesses I beheld. He said "This gentleman, so finically dressed, with powdered curls, Brussels lace frills and ruffles, was the celebrated Dr. Dulcet. You may perceive that a smile of self-complacency plays on his simpering countenance, yet his brow portrays some anxious cares, arising from inordinate vanity; and those furrows on the forehead show that, fortunate as he may have been, ambition would sometimes ruffle his pillow.

Dulcet was of a low origin, and his education had been much neglected; however, he possessed a good figure, handsome features, and a tolerable share of impudence. When an apothecary's apprentice, his advantageous points had been perceived by a discriminating duchess, who sent him to Aberdeen to graduate; and shortly after his return, he was introduced to royalty and fashion. Aware of the fickleness of Fortune, and well acquainted with the miseries that attend her frowns, he displayed a tact in courting the beldame's favour that would have done honour to the most experienced and canny emigrant from the Land of Cakes roving over the world in search of bread. He commenced his career, by courting the old and the ugly of the fair sex, and devoting his petits soins soon to all the little urchins whom he was called to attend. Handsome women he well knew were satiated with adulation, whereas flattery was a god-send to those ladies who were not so advantageously gifted: these he complimented on their intellectual superiority, their enlightened mind, "that in itself contains the living fountains of beauteous and sublime." Though the object of his attentions never opened a book, save and excepting the Lady's Magazine, or read any thing but accounts of fashionable fracas, offences, and births, deaths, and marriages in the newspapers, he would discourse upon literature and arts, bring them publications as intelligible to them as a Hebrew Talmud, ask their opinion of every new novel or celebrated painting,—any popular opera or favourite performer. If the lady had children, the ugliest little toad was called an angel; and such of the imps who had been favoured by nature in cross-breeding, he would swear were the image of their mother. To court the creatures, he constantly gave them sugar-plums (which afforded the double advantage or ministering to their gluttony and to his friend the apothecary); while he presented them with pretty little books of pictures, and nice toys. He had, moreover, a happy knack of squeezing out a sympathetic tear from the corner of his eye whenever the brat roared from pain or perversity; and on those occasions he would screw his eyes until the crystal drop was made to fall upon the mother's alabaster hand. It is needless to add, that the whole coterie rang with the extreme sensibility, the excellent heart of the dear doctor, who had saved the darling's life, although nothing had ailed the sweet pet but an over-stuffing.

Another quality recommended him to female protection. Husbands and father she ever considered as intruders in a consultation: he merely looked upon them as the bankers of the ladies. It is true that, after a domestic breeze, his visits were sometimes dispensed with for a short time; but dreadful hysterics, that kept the whole house in an uproar both night and day, soon brought back the doctor, who was the only person who knew my lady's constitution, and on these occasions the lady's lord was too happy to take his hat and seek a refuge at Crockford's, or some other consolatory refuge from nerves. It was certainly true that Dulcet had made many important discoveries in the treatment of ladies' affections. For instance, he had ascertained that a pair of bays were more effectual in curing spasms, than chestnuts or greys, unless his patient preferred them. Then, again, he was convinced that Rundell and Bridge kept better remedies than Savory and Moore: a box at the Opera was an infallible cure for a headache; and the air of Brighton was absolutely necessary when its salutary effects were increased by the breath of Royalty. Cards he looked upon as indispensable, to prevent ladies from taking laudanum; and a successful game of ÉcartÉ was as effectual an opiate, as extract of lettuce,—one of his most favourite drugs.

In this career of prosperity, a circumstance arose that for a time damped his ardour. Dulcet had attended an East-Indian widow, the wealthy relict of a civil servant of the Company. Her hand and fortune would have enabled the doctor to throw physic to the dogs, and all the nasty little brats whom he idolised after it. He had succeeded in becoming a great favourite. The disconsolate lady could not eat, drink, or sleep, without giving him his guinea. She scarcely knew at what end she was to break an egg, or how many grains of salt she could safely put in it, without his opinion; but, unfortunately, there was a certain colonel, an old friend of her former husband, who was a constant visitor, and who seemed to share with her medical attendant the lady's confidence. Though Dulcet ordered her not to receive visitors when in a nervous state, somehow or other the colonel had been admitted. On such occasions he would shake his head in the most sapient manner, and observe that the pulse was much agitated; but he did not dare forbid these (to him) dangerous visits, and therefore endeavoured to attain his ends by a more circuitous route, and gain time until the colonel's departure for Bengal afforded him the vantage-ground of absence. The widow would sometimes complain of her moping and lonely life. On these occasions Dulcet would delicately hint that at some future period a change of condition might be desirable, and the widow would then sigh deeply, and perchance shed a few tears, (whether from the recollection of her dear departed husband, or the idea of the 'future period' of this change of condition,—a futurity which was sine die,—I cannot pretend to say); but the doctor strove to impress upon her mind, that in her present delicate state, the cares of a family, the pangs of absence, the turmoil of society, would shake her 'too tender frame' to very atoms, while the slightest shadow of an unkind shade would break her sensitive heart; whereas a leetle tranquillity would soon restore her to that society of which she was considered the brightest ornament! And then the sigh would become still deeper, and the tears would trickle down her pallid cheek with increased rapidity, until Dulcet actually fancied that 'the Heaven-moving pearls' were not beaded in sorrow, but were 'shed from Nature like a kindly shower.' Still he knew the sex too well, to venture upon so delicate a subject as matrimonial consolation; and he, with no little reluctance, parted with a few fees to obtain some intelligence regarding the lady's toilet-thoughts and conversation with her favourite woman, a certain cunning abigail named Mercer. Mercer was of course subject to nervous affections, which she caught from her mistress; and Dulcet was as kind to the maid as to her lady, well knowing that as no hero is a great man in the eyes of his valet, no widow was crystalised with her waiting-maid. The visits of the colonel had not been as frequent as usual; nay, Dulcet fancied that he was received with some coolness, and on this important matter Mercer was prudently consulted. The result of the conference fully confirmed the doctor's fondest hopes; for he learnt from Mercer that 'her missus liked him above all and was never by no means half as fond of the colonel, as she knew for certain that those soldier-officers were not better than they ought to be, and there were red-rags on every bush.' This communication, although made with cockney vulgarity, had a more powerful effect upon the doctor than had he heard Demosthenes or Cicero; and he could have embraced the girl with delight and gratitude had he dared it,—but she was handsomer than her mistress; he, moreover, fancied that such a condescension might tempt the girl's vanity to boast of the favour; but he gave her something more substantial than a kiss,—a diamond ring that graced his little finger, and which he always displayed to advantage when feeling a tender pulse.

Dulcet now altered his plan of campaign, redoubled his assiduity, assured the widow that she was fast recovering her pristine strength and healthy glow, and recommended her to shorten the 'futurity of the period' he had alluded to; assuring her that now the cares of a family would give her occupation, and society once more would hail her presence with delight. In her sweet smiles of satisfaction he read his future bliss and independence. The colonel never came to the house; and, one day, our doctor was on the point of declaring the purity and the warmth of his affection, when the widow rendered the avowal needless, informing him that she had resolved to follow his kind advice, and that the ensuing week she was to be married to The Colonel, who had gone down into the country to regulate his affairs. The blow fell upon Dulcet like an apoplexy. Prudence made him conceal the bitterness of his disappointment, and even induced him to be present at the wedding breakfast; though his appetite was doubly impaired when he found that Miss Mercer had married the colonel's valet, and he beheld his diamond guarding her wedding-ring, while an ironical smile showed him, what little faith was to be reposed in ladies' women.

The report of this adventure entertained the town for nine days; but on the tenth, through the patronage of his protectresses, Dulcet was dubbed a knight, and soon after married a cheesemonger's daughter, ugly enough to have a hereditary claim to virtue; but who possessed an ample fortune, and was most anxious to become a lady.

The librarian was proceeding to give me an account of the next personage, a Dr. Cleaver, when the bell rung for dinner, and we adjourned our illustrations until the following morning.

V.