A Parody on Iolanthe

D. Dalziel

ACT II.

A Parody on Iolanthe

D. DALZIEL, Editor of the Chicago NEWS. LETTER.

The Whole Illustrated by H. W. McVickar.

Published by D. DALZIEL

The Halch Lithographic Co. New York.

MDCCCLXXXIII

[Illustration]

A Parody on IOLANTHE

(Respectfully dedicated to the Conductors of the Chicago & Alton Railroad.)

(By D. Dalziel, Editor of the Chicago News-Letter.)

Scene.—A fairy glade on the Chicago & Alton Railway, at Holy Cross, Illinois. The country bears evidence of the utmost prosperity. It is early in June, yet the fields for miles in every direction are waving with already ripened grain that is going to take first prize at the next National Exhibition. The ensuing scene occurs in the brief interval allowed for purposes of safety between the trains on this road. Chorus of fairies, discovered dancing over the wheat stocks.

(Enter Rocky Mountain Fairies, led by Leila, Ceila, and Fleto.)

CHORUS

Tripping always, tripping ever, By each glen, each rock, each river, We must twirl and we must twine Round about the Alton line.

SOLO.

LEILA—

If you ask us how we ride, See our cars and step inside: Cars of most convenient size, Cars enchanting tourists' eyes, Pullman Palace sleeping cars, Free from dust, from noise, from jars; Cars with soft reclining chairs, Where we nestle free from cares; Cars no cynic can place fault on, Chicago, Kansas City, Alton. Spite of distance, time, or weather, See three cities link'd together.

CEILA— That is extremely true and very pretty. Moreover, it is a very noble employment, this acting in behalf of the foremost railway of the world. Still, we are not altogether happy. Since our queen banished Iolanthe, our life has not been a transcendent one.

LEILA— Ah, Iolanthe was a whole team, and, like the Alton Road, she was the only one in the crowd who carried a proper train. But according to the laws of Fairydom, she committed an unpardonable sin. The fairy who marries a mortal must die.

CEILA— But Iolanthe is not dead. (Enter Fairy Queen.)

QUEEN— No, because your queen, who loved her as much as a member of the State legislature loves a railway pass, commuted her sentence to travel for life on other lines, and sooner than do it she confined herself in a pond.

LEILA— And she is now working out her sentence in Iowa.

QUEEN— Yes. I gave her the choice of States. I am sure I never intended that she should go and live under a culvert beneath the bank of an Iowa railway.

LEILA— It must be damp there, and her chest was always delicate.

QUEEN— Yes. An Iowa railway is hardly the place to send a delicate chest. Even an iron-bound trunk has no show on any other line than the Chicago & Alton. I do not understand why she went there.

ALL— How terrible; but, O Queen, forgive her.

QUEEN— I've half a mind to.

LEILA— Make it half and half, and wholly do it.

QUEEN— Well, it shall be as you wish. Arise, Iolanthe.

(Iolanthe arises.)

IOLANTHE— Must I again reflect my grievous fault on——

[Illustration]

QUEEN— Oh, no; we bring you back to bliss and Alton. And now tell me: with all the world to choose from, why on earth did you go to live at the bottom of that Iowa culvert?

IOLANTHE— To be near my son Strephon.

QUEEN— Your son! I didn't know you had a son. I hardly think you'd oughter, Iolanthe.

IOLANTHE— He was born shortly after I left my husband at your royal command.

LEILA— What is he?

IOLANTHE— He is an Arcadian brakesman. He is one of those extremely pure young persons who have passed a competitive examination of intelligence before they can become anything on the Alton Road. Ah, here he is.

(Enter Strephon.)

STREPHON—

Good morrow, good mother; I'm to be married to-morrow.

IOLANTHE— Then the Counselor has at last given his consent to your marriage with his beautiful ward Phyllis.

STREPHON— Alas! no. He is obdurate. He wants nothing less than a General Passenger Agent.

QUEEN— But how to get round this difficulty with the Counselor. Should you like to be a General Passenger Agent?

STREPHON— That would hardly do. You see I am half human, half fairy. My body is of the Alton Fairy kind, but my legs are of another line, and would be likely to take me on the wrong track.

QUEEN— Well, your fairyhood doesn't seem to have interfered with your digestion.

STREPHON— It is the curse of my existence. What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can go through the air-brake pipe, but if my legs ever get between the couplers, I'm a goner. There is one advantage: by making myself invisible down to the waist, I have collected damages from one railway company several times, because they couldn't find the rest of me after an accident. My legs, I suppose, will die some day, and then what will be the use of my bust? I can't satisfy Phyllis with half a husband.

QUEEN— Don't let your legs distract you. They shall be our peculiar care. The Alton does nothing by halves. So farewell, attractive stranger.

[Exit all.

(Enter the entire corps of officers of all the railways west of Chicago, except the C. & A. They are accompanied by a band, in which the instruments are exclusively and appropriately made of brass. The blowers in this band are the employÉs of the railway officers.)

OFFICERS—

Loudly let the trumpet bray. Tan-tan-ta-ra, tan-tan-ta-ra! Proudly bang the sounding brasses, tzing, boom! As upon its lordly way this unique procession passes. Tan-tan-ta-ra, tan-tan-ta-ra! etc., Tzing, boom, tzing, boom! etc.>

Bow, bow, ye lower trav'ling masses. Bow, bow, ye folks who ask for passes; Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses. Tan-tan-ta-ra! Tzing, boom! etc., etc.

(At conclusion, enter Counselor.)

COUNSELOR—

The law is the true embodiment Of everything that's excellent; It has no kind of fault or flaw, And I, for cash, expound the law; A constitutional lawyer I, For a great railway society; A very agreeable post for me, While my railway planks down its fee; A solid occupation for A money-making counselor.

[Illustration]

CHORUS OF OFFICERS.

COUNSELOR—

And though the compliment implied Inflates me with legitimate pride, It nevertheless can't be denied, I feel its inconvenient side; For she has lots of Alton stock, As good as gold, and firm as a rock. But there'd be the deuce to pay, O Lord, If I patch'd up a match with my wealthy ward, Which rather gets up my dander, for I'm such a susceptible counselor. So if a director would marry my ward, He must come to me for my accord; In the Alton office I'll sit all day, To hear what agreeable men may say. But Phyllis declares she's not for he, She's not for thou, and she's not for thee, She wont have you, and she wont have ye, Because her mind is made up for A Chicago & Alton director.

(Enter Lord Beeseekew.)

LORD B.— And now let us proceed to the business of the day. Few of us have done any business for many days.

COUNSELOR— True. Let us proceed more rapidly than your trains. Phyllis, my ward, has so powerfully affected you that you have let all your railways go to eternal smash, and you have asked me to give her to whichever one of you I may select. It would be idle for me to deny that I, too, have been wonderfully attracted to this young woman. My affection for her is rapidly undermining my constitution, just as it has undermined the constitutions of all your railways. But we shall hear what she has to say herself, for here she comes.

(Enter Phyllis.)

RECITATIVE.

My well lov'd lord and guardian dear, You summoned me, and I am here.

CHORUS OF GENERAL PASSENGER AGENTS.

Oh, rapture! how beautiful, How gentle, how dutiful!

(Gen. Pass. Agents make a dumb appeal to Phyllis.)

SONG.

PHYLLIS—

I'm very much pain'd to refuse; My guardian you can't lay the fault on. The only young man I would choose Must be from the Chicago & Alton. That road so eclipses the rest, Its men are so handsome and hearty, That I know where to turn for the best, When I want a particular party.

(Enter Strephon, the brakeman; Phyllis rushes to him.)

It must not, cannot be, Your suits my heart has riven; Yon jolly brakeman see, To him my heart is given.

ALL THE G. P. A.'S—Jerusalem!

COUNSELOR—

And who has dared to brave our high displeasure, And thus defy our definite command?

STREPHON—

'Tis I, young Strephon; mine, this rosy treasure; Against all lines I claim my darling's hand.

(Exit all the G. P. A.'s in disgust, and with as much dignity as if they belonged to the Alton Road. Strephon and Counselor remain.)

COUNSELOR—Now, sir, how dare you fall in love with my ward?

STREPHON— Love knows no guardianship. We follow our inclinations. As I whirl along the Alton Road, all nature speaks of her love, and says "Take her." I read it on the face of the Sphinx Rock. William's CaÑon thunders it forth, the Snowy Range melts in sympathy with our love, the Twin Lakes are one in wishing us joy, the Bowlder Falls leap with joy at our prospective union, and from Alton to Santa FÉ every bird and bush and tree choruses our bliss; and can you say nay?

[Illustration]

COUNSELOR— Duty before pleasure. I always keep my duty before my eyes.

When I went to the Alton, a very young man, Said I to myself, said I, I'll work on a new and original plan, Said I to myself, said I. I'll never assume that a road is O. K., That it's perfect, in fact, like the C. and the A., Till I've tried it my own and particular way, Said I to myself, said I.

I'll never throw dust in a passenger's eyes, Said I to myself, said I, Recommending a road with buncombe and lies, Said I to myself, said I, Or pretend that some other roads of which we read Can equal the Alton for comfort and speed, Or supply all the luxuries travelers need, Said I to myself, said I.

Ere I boast of the road, I will travel it through, Said I to myself, said I, And see that its officers do what they can do, Said I to myself, said I. So I went on the road from the first to the last, I travel'd with pleasure so safe and so fast, That I said, such a road can ne'er be surpass'd, Said I to myself, said I.

On all other roads by which men may go, Said I to myself, said I, They're none of them safe, and they're all of them slow, Said I to myself, said I.

The Chicago and Alton must still be A 1, For business, for pleasure, for health, or for fun, Or it never could have such a character won, Said I to myself, said I.

(This being rather a difficult song to sing, the Counselor, in reply to the deafening encore which he receives, will hand to each person in the audience a copy of the Langtry Map, a book of the Patience Parody, a copy of the Chicago News-Letter, and a folder of the Alton Road. Exit Counselor, with a skip.)

STREPHON—It's too bad to be taken from Phyllis just when she was my own.

(Enter Iolanthe.)

IOLANTHE—What, my son in tears upon his wedding-day!

STREPHON—The Counselor, who is Phyllis's guardian, separates us forever.

IOLANTHE— Oh, if he only knew—— No matter. The Queen of our road and its fairies shall protect you. See, here they come. (Enter Fairies.)

(Strephon embraces Iolanthe, sobbing. Enter Phyllis. She sees Strephon embrace his mother, and starts violently.)

SONG.

STREPHON—The little girl I love has caught me talking to another.

ALL—Oh, fie! Strephon is a rogue.

STREPHON—But then, upon my honor, that other is my mother.

CHORUS.

Taradiddle, taradiddle, fol lol de lay.

STREPHON—

She wont believe my statement, and declares we must be parted, Although I'm just as true as an Alton train when started; And if she gets another hub, a brakeman, broken-hearted, I shall be, taradiddle dee, taradiddle dee.

QUEEN—

You cruel and heartless counselor to part them from each other; You've done him an injustice, for this lady is his mother.

COUNSELOR—

That yarn requires obesity its thinness well to cover;
I didn't see her face, but he acted like her lover.
And how could she, at seventeen, be an Alton brakeman's mother?

[Illustration]

CHORUS.

To say she is his mother is a fib as big as many.
Oh fie! Strephon is a rogue;
He'll next declare the Alton's not the best of any.
Taradiddle, taradiddle dee.

COUNSELOR—

I wouldn't say of either what would be thought injurious; But to find a mother younger than her son is very curious, Just as 't would be upon our road to drop an aught that's spurious. Fol de ridle, fol de ridle, fol lol lay.

(Tremulo music.)

QUEEN— When next your convention does assemble, you may tremble. Our wrath when railroad heads offend us is tremendous. They must who underrate our calling "cut rates appalling." Take down our sentence as we speak it, and he shall wreak it. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away your brakeman suit and brakeman pay; another racket you shall play. Of the beauteous Alton Line, favorite Western road of mine, you a G. P. A. shall be. Gentlemen, what do you think of he?

ALL—It should be him—

QUEEN—

I haven't time To think of my grammar; it's very good rhyme.

And now take down my word and pleasure. Henceforth, your equal he shall be. Into your councils he shall come, in your debates he shall rule. Henceforth, it is the Alton Road you must imitate.

ALL—Have mercy!

QUEEN—From this time forth, you will have to run your trains on the same standard of excellence which marks the Alton.

(Hands every one of them a time-table of the C. & A.)

ALL—Spare us!

QUEEN— You will be forced to employ none but civil officials.

ALL—Have mercy!

QUEEN— The comfort of your passengers must be your primary consideration.

(Very solemnly.) You will also be forced to run your trains according to your advertised time-table.

ALL—(Shriek)— Oh, spare us! spare us!

QUEEN— And now depart. When next your council meets, Strephon will be one of you.

(Slow music. G. P. A.'s bow to Strephon. Business, etc. Curtain.)

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