Horace C. Dale

Scene.—Mrs. Thornton's sitting-room. Pete is seated on rocking-chair R., with left leg dangling over arm; has lighted cigar in R. hand and occasionally draws it. Is rocking and softly singing "Gospel Train," as curtain rises.

Enter Daisy L. 2 E. Pete springs quickly to feet and hides cigar under coat.

Pete. Golly, but you scared me. I thought it was missus. (resumes former position, singing and smoking)

Daisy. You can thank your lucky stars that you were mistaken. (amazed at Pete's attire) For goodness sake, what are you doing rigged out in Mr. George's clothes?

Pete. Why, yo' know missus 'spects her brudder-in-law, de Deacon, dis mawnin', an' some oder company fur dinner, an' as I'se de only male pusson in dis house now, I spruced up to do de honors ob de 'casion.

Daisy. Honors of the occasion! Why, what do you mean?

Pete. When people hab parties an' 'ceptions don't dey always hab somebody to do de 'ceivin'?

Daisy. Of course they do, but you are not such a great goose as to suppose Mrs. Thornton will call upon a black booby like you to meet her guests, are you?

Pete. (rising hastily and assuming a threatening attitude) Black booby? Don't yo' say that again! (contemptuously) Niggahs always better than poor white trash. I 'spose yo' think if yo' was a man missus would call upon yo', but she'd nebber do dat while I was around, suah. (resumes seat)

Daisy. (soothingly) There, there, Pete, I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but you get on your "high horse" so often and make yourself so ridiculous that one must say something to save you from being thrown and badly injured.

Pete. Well, it's none ob yo'r bis'nis if dat hoss breaks my neck.

Daisy. Very well, then, Pete, we will drop the subject. Now, I want to ask you something.

Pete. It am no use, fo' I'll not answer yo'.

Daisy. Yes, you will, for maybe there'll be some money in it for you.

Pete. (eagerly) What am it?

Daisy. Did you find a watch charm or a packet of letters anywhere in the house this morning?

Pete. (sulkily) No, I didn't, and mighty little good would it do yo' if I did. (gently draws at cigar)

Daisy. Mr. Wheeler lost a charm and some letters here last night, and he told me this morning that he would give me ten dollars if I found and returned them to him. Now, if you have found them I'll give you five dollars for them.

Pete. (straightening up in chair) Let me see if I 'stand yo' right. Mr. Wheeler lost a charm an' some letters?

Daisy. Yes.

Pete. An' he offered ten dollars to hab dem returned?

Daisy. Yes.

Pete. If I finds dem an' gibs dem to yo' I'se to git five dollars?

Daisy. Yes.

Pete. An' if I gibs dem to him I gits ten dollars!

Daisy. Oh, no; he did not say that. He only offered to give me the ten dollars. I offered you five for helping me find them.

Pete. (looks at her a moment) Oh, yes, I see. I'm sorry I can't help yo'. I'm not such a booby as I look. No, I did not find dem letters. (pauses a moment) But yo' needn't worry yo'self about looking for dem. (settles back in chair and gently draws cigar)

Daisy. (angrily) You mean, horrid, black creature! I believe you have found them and are going to try to get the whole ten dollars. Never mind, I'll tell Mr. Wheeler not to give you a red cent.

Pete. (indifferently) I don't care if yo' do; yo'll be none de better off anyhow.

Miss Amelia. (off L.) Pete, Pete, where are you? (Pete springs quickly to feet, and hides cigar under coat with left hand. Daisy crosses to R. of Pete)

Enter Miss Amelia L. 2 E.

Miss A. (stops at L. C.; speaks authoritatively) Pete, where is Fido?

Pete. I 'clar to goodness, Miss 'Melia, I don't know.

Miss A. You do. You have done something to my dear little pet. I know you have. (notices smoke, elevates head, then looks at Pete) Who has been smoking in this room? (removes her gaze from Pete, and looks around room overhead. Pete catches Daisy by arm with right hand)

Pete. (aside) Don't tell on me, an' I'll help yo' to find dem letters. (aloud) I don't know, Miss 'Melia, guess it's de 'roma from de gem'men's Herbana's ob last night you smell. I don't notice it, do yo', Daisy? (aside) Say, no, quick, or I'm a gone goslin'. (quickly changes cigar to right hand, placing left fingers in mouth, and making a wry face. Goes down R.)

Miss A. I wish, Daisy, you would have the rooms properly aired after the horrid men leave. Now, Pete, I want you to go and bring Fido to me this instant.

Pete. (quickly changing from one foot to the other, shaking and blowing his fingers, and keeping up his facial contortions) I tole yo' I didn't know whar he was. I ain't seen him since last night. (aside) Blame de cigar.

Miss A. That's a falsehood, and you know it. (notices Pete's unrest) Why, what is the matter with you?

Pete. I stuck a pin clar froo my finger.

Miss A. You wicked boy, it serves you right for telling stories.

Enter Helen, L. 2 E., with Fido.

Helen. Oh, Auntie, I found Fido down town in this terrible plight, being dragged around by a nasty organ grinder. (Miss A. springs forward the instant she sees Fido; tears the hat, jacket and collar off and throws them on floor; gathers him in her arms)

Miss A. Oh, you dear, abused darling! What a naughty wicked wretch of a man he must have been to treat my poor doggy woggy so shamefully!

Pete. (aside) Horrid man, but dear doggy woggy!

Helen. The horrid wretch at first refused to let me have him, but a policeman soon brought him to terms.

Pete. (aside) I hope dat police will break his neck! (occasionally shakes and looks at his fingers)

Helen. He followed me into the house and insisted upon having either the dog or the money he paid for him.

Pete. (aside, grinning) He needn't tackle dis child fo' de money, fer he done spent it.

Miss A. (angrily) Pete, this is some of your work, and I'll see that you are justly punished for it.

Pete. Miss 'Melia, I 'clar 'fore all de world, I nebber harmed a hair ob dat dog. I 'spects Neff Jones done sold him, fo' I seed him only day arter yesterday pintin' to him an' talkin' to some ob de boys. (scuffle heard off L. 2 E., and door pushed violently open)

Enter Pedro, L. 2 E., followed by Mrs. Thornton.

Pedro. (enraged) I'll have ze dog or ze money! (Miss A., Helen and Daisy scream and retreat up R., and form a column; Miss A. back, with Fido in her arms, Helen next and Daisy front. Pete looks scared and slowly edges toward R. 1 E.)

Mrs. Thornton. (sternly) Pete, what is the meaning of this disgraceful scene?

Pete. I dunno. (Pedro advances angrily toward Pete, who retreats to extremity of stage)

Pedro. Zer ze boy zat sold me ze dog.

Pete. Yo' say dat ag'in an' I'll bust yo'r jaw for yo'.

Pedro. Ze money—ze two dollars—I gave ze.

Pete. (advancing) Lebe dis house at once, or I'll break yo'r head. (picks up chair)

Mrs. T. Put down that chair this instant, Pete. How dare you?

Pete. (reluctantly drops chair) He mustn't tell lies on me, den, or I'll do it, suah.

Pedro. Ze money, ze money.

Mrs. T. (taking purse from pocket, hands Pedro money) Now, be off with you. (Exit Pedro L. 2 E., muttering to himself indistinctly. Pete starts quickly across stage but is halted at C.)

Mrs. T. Where are you going, Pete?

Pete. To show him out. (aside) Wid de toe ob my boot.

Mrs. T. Never mind, remain where you are. Some of the other servants can attend to him. Now, I wish you to know that my stock of patience is about exhausted. You have tried me the past few months beyond endurance. If you don't turn over a new leaf and behave yourself like other people, I shall be obliged to transfer you to the care of someone who can manage you. (Helen removes hat and gloves and gives them to Daisy who exits L. 2 E.)

Pete. I guess I knows to who yo's 'ferrin' to, but he can't manage me. (aside) An' he better not try, neider.

Mrs. T. To whom do you think I was referring?

Pete. Why, to dat Mr. Wheeler.

Helen. Oh, mamma, I met Mr. Wheeler this morning, and he said Pete grossly insulted him in delivering the note you sent him just after breakfast.

Pete. Dat's a whopper! (aside) He'll not git dem letters now.

Mrs. T. Pete?

Pete. Well, it ain't true, so it ain't.

Mrs. T. What did you say to him?

Pete. I didn't say nuffin'.

Mrs. T. What did you do to him, then?

Pete. I didn't do nuffin', neider. I'll tell yo' all about it, missus. Massa Wheeler sassed me in de fust place, called me a black niggah, an' said he' kill me, an' a lot ob bad things. An' den I tole him he was no gemman to talk like dat to a poor orphan cullud boy; den he flared up an' frothed at de mouf, an' shook his fist at me, an' said right dar in public dat when he married Miss Helen, dat he'd teach me my true position.

Miss T.
Miss A.

?
?
?

How shocking!

Mrs. T. (indignantly) Did he really say that right out in public?

Pete. He did dat, sartin'. (aside) He's got hisself in a hornet's nest now, fo' suah. Let him blow on me ag'in.

Helen. Mamma, I don't believe a word of it.

Pete. Yo' don't eh? Yo' jest ax any ob dose fellers what was 'round, an' see if dey don't tell yo' de same thing, an' justify me in keepin' up de 'spectability ob our family.

Helen. It's untrue, mamma. Pete made up every word of that story.

Mrs. T. Helen, I cannot believe it possible that Mr. Wheeler would be guilty of such indiscretion.

Pete. Dat's de way. Nobody b'lieves a word I say. I, too, is gittin' tired ob dis lack ob confidence. Some of dese mornin's yo' folks will wake up an' find dis child in de promised land.

Helen. Mamma, it's preposterous to entertain for one moment Pete's account of Mr. Wheeler's conduct.

Mrs. T. I shall interrogate Mr. Wheeler privately, and ascertain from him the truth of the matter. To be guilty of such baseness, I cannot believe it.

Miss A. It's just like the horrid men. They are not to be trusted. Ugh! But I detest them.

Re-enter Daisy, followed by Wheeler.

Daisy. Mr. Wheeler. (Wheeler bows; ladies return salutation)

Pete. (aside) Guess I'd better be leabin'!

Wheeler. Mrs. Thornton, it is with the most profound pleasure that I accept the invitation you so graciously extended to me this morning.

Pete. (aside) Listen to dat. He's puttin' dem on, now.

Wheeler. I trust my tardiness has not inconvenienced you. A business affair detained me.

Mrs. T. Not in the least. My brother-in-law, whom I desired you to meet, has not arrived yet. I cannot imagine what detained him. We expected him by the early stage, but he did not come. I fear he will disappoint us, for the last stage was due here over two hours ago. (Door bell off L. 2 E.) That must be he now.

Miss A. Oh, dear, the Deacon must not see me in this condition. (to Wheeler) Please excuse me, I'll take Fido out and give the dear little pet something to eat. He must be nearly famished.

Helen. (to Wheeler) Please excuse me, too, I have some duties to attend to.

Wheeler. (bowing) Certainly. (Exeunt Miss A. and Helen, L. 2 E. Door bell rings)

Mrs. T. Pete, answer the bell.

Pete. Yes, missus. (going)

Mrs. T. (noticing Pete's appearance) Why, what is the meaning of your being arrayed in that attire? (Wheeler smiles)

Daisy. (laughing) He imagined he was to play the host this morning and receive your guests. So he dressed himself up accordingly.

Pete. Mind your own bis'nis. Missus wasn't a talkin' to yo'.

Mrs. T. (warningly) Pete!

Pete. Well, make Daisy keep quiet. She's always meddlin' wid my affairs. Some day I'll make her wish she'd never been born.

Mrs. T. (firmly) Just as soon as you answer the bell, go to your room, change your clothing, and make yourself tidy. I want you to wait on the table at dinner.

Pete. Wait on de table? (Daisy's face wears an irritating smile)

Mrs. T. That's what I said.

Pete. (in expostulating tone) But dat's Daisy's work.

Mrs. T. No matter whose work it is, I wish you to do it.

Pete. (to Daisy) Dis is yo'r doin's. I'll pour a pitcher ob ice water down yo'r back, see if I don't. I'll git eben wid yo'. (aside) I won't wait on de table.

Mrs. T. What's that?

Pete. (quickly) I said Daisy would hab to help.

Mrs. T. Go instantly and do as I told you. (Exit Pete L. 2 E., grumbling; slams door after him. Wheeler, half smiling, crosses R. and sits. Mrs. T. sits on sofa. Daisy remains standing just R. of door L. 2 E.) I declare I don't know what to do with that boy. He's growing worse and worse. Oh, Mr. Wheeler, before I forget it, I wish to have a few minutes' talk with you after dinner about Pete's conduct toward you this morning.

Wheeler. Very well, madam, it will give me great pleasure to comply with your request.

Mrs. T. I do hope that was brother ringing. Do you know, I feel no little anxiety about this meeting.

Wheeler. I think your daughter told me that you never had met your brother-in-law?

Mrs. T. No; William, my late husband, and he were not good friends. It was the Deacon's fault. In his younger days he was too fond of the wine cup, and when William attempted to warn him of its evils, he became angry, alienated himself from my husband, and refused from that day on to have any intercourse with him whatever.

Wheeler. I think I have heard it mentioned somewhere that he is still a little too fond of the cup at times.

Mrs. T. Yes, I am sorry to say that the habit contracted in youth still clings to him. That is usually the case. But it is only on very rare occasions that he imbibes too much. I believe he is conscientious and tries to do what is right. I do hope and pray that he will not consider this a rare occasion, and may remain sober during his stay with us.

Wheeler. It is to be sincerely hoped so.

Mrs. T. This visit of his is due entirely to the exertions of my sister Amelia. She met him last year while visiting a friend of hers residing in his neighborhood. A sort of mutual attachment sprang up between them. Where it will end goodness only knows. I fear Amelia is very much in love with him.

Wheeler. Indeed!

Mrs. T. Yes, hence my anxiety that our meeting may prove a pleasant one.

Wheeler. The Deacon is not a bachelor, is he?

Mrs. T. Oh, no. He lost his wife some thirty years ago.

Wheeler. Has he no children?

Mrs. T. Only one daughter. But never refer to her in his presence. He has disowned her. She married against his wishes, and a miserable life she has led. The Deacon is very self-willed, stubborn and self-opinionated, and will listen to no reason when it clashes against his set views.

Wheeler. But, surely if one were to represent to him that his daughter was suffering and needy, he would not refuse to aid her.

Mrs. T. He would, as sure as you are living. Oh, Mr. Wheeler, I know the nobility of your character, how anxious you are to aid suffering humanity; but let me beseech you, as you value Helen's peace of mind and mine, never refer to the Deacon's daughter in his presence unless you desire to bring on a storm.

Wheeler. But——

Mrs. T. Hush, I hear him coming. (Mrs. T. and Wheeler rise)

Enter Deacon L. 2 E. Has a wearied look; still intoxicated; vest unbuttoned, coat mussed up and full of wrinkles, cravat under left ear; general condition "used up." He is followed by Billy with carpet-bag, Pete expostulating and trying to take it from him. Daisy stands near door L. 2 E.; Mrs. T. up C.; Wheeler R. 2 E.; Pete goes down L. with Billy; appears disgusted.

Deacon. (embracing and kissing Daisy) My dear, dear sister. I'm rejoiced to meet you.

Mrs. T. (advancing quickly) Brother, brother, what are you doing? That is my servant.

Deacon. (releasing Daisy) Ah, I made a mistake. My eyesight is bad. Excuse me. (embraces Mrs. T.) Tillie, I'm delighted, most supremely blest to enfold—(quickly) to have the pleasure of folding—meeting you and calling you sister. I'm most inexpressibly happy! (releases her) Yet as I compare you two, (looking first at Daisy and then at Mrs. T.) I can't refrain from saying that I think your eye for beauty far superior to my brother's. So she's your servant, is she? (looking at Daisy admiringly) She's a beauty! (to Daisy who stands smiling) Come, and let me kiss you again.

Mrs. T. (expostulating) Brother, brother! (to Daisy) Daisy, leave the room. (Exit Daisy L. 2 E., left hand over mouth, giggling)

Deacon. (in injured tone) Why, what has the poor girl done?

Mrs. T. Brother, my servants are not accustomed to have such liberties taken with them. Permit me to introduce you to Mr. Wheeler, Helen's affianced.

Deacon. (shaking hands with Wheeler) I'm delighted, sir, to know you will soon have the honor of becoming my nephew. It's quite a distinction, sir, and I hope you justly appreciate it. (Wheeler bows and returns to former position).

Pete. (to audience, pointing to Billy disgustedly) He's got wimmin's stockings on. (takes pin from coat, bends it schoolboy fashion, balances it on hand, places it on seat of chair; goes to Billy and in pantomime asks him to be seated).

Wheeler. (aside) He does not recognize me. So far my plans are working admirably.

Deacon. (to Mrs. T.; appears unsteady, speaks confidentially) Tillie, Helen's got taste. She has an eye for beauty. (looks at Wheeler) He's a fine looking fellow. (looks at Mrs. T.) Excuse me, but were you and Bill married by candle light?

Mrs. T. Why, no; certainly not.

Deacon. Did he have all his senses?

Mrs. T. (slightly irritated) Of course he did. Why do you ask?

Deacon. (perplexed) I can't understand it.

Mrs. T. Can't understand what?

Deacon. (looks at Mrs. T. a moment, then speaks with emphasis) How in the name of wonders he came to marry you and pass by that sweet, lovely being you sent out of the room.

Billy. (takes Pete's proffered seat, but instantly springs up) Oh!

Mrs. T. Why, what is the matter, Pete?

Pete. (examining chair) I dunno. I'se jest tryin' to find out. (picks up pin; conceals bent part, displaying point) Daisy nebber half dusted de chairs. Jest see, she left a pin on dat chair, an' it stuck Billy. She nebber does her work right. (lays his hand on Billy's shoulder and consoles him)

Re-enter Helen, L. 2 E.

Mrs. T. Brother, this is my daughter Helen.

Deacon. (looks at Helen) She inherits her beauty from Bill. Helen, my dear, I'm delighted to see you are so pretty. You will kiss your old uncle, won't you? I knew you would. Everything lovely admires me.

Re-enter Miss Amelia, L. 2 E.

Mrs. T. And here is my sister Amelia. But you need no introduction to her.

Deacon. Bless me, no. Miss Amelia, I'm delighted, filled with joy unspeakable to behold you again. (advances quickly with arms outstretched as though to embrace her. Miss. A. dodges him and crosses R., Mrs. T. following her and expostulating. The Deacon stops suddenly, reels and clasps hand to head) Oh, my head, my head!

Miss A. (sharply) Deacon, you're drunk.

Mrs. T. (startled; expostulating) Sister!

Miss A. Don't "sister" (imitating Mrs. T.) me! I can manage him. I never saw the man yet I was afraid of.

Pete. (aside, quickly) Dat's so; cross-eyed, bow-legged, big, little, great or small, dey's all de same to her. He's nebber been created.

Deacon. (L.) Miss Amelia, I protest, I sincerely, most emphatically protest against the injustice of your charge. I've had another sunstroke. (places hand upon brow) My head, my head! I'm—sick—deathly—sick! (advances a step C., unsteadily)

Pete. (aside) Yes, he's got de spirits yell infantum!

Miss A. You're beastly drunk. A pretty figure you must have cut, staggering along the streets, disgracing our whole family. (Deacon in front of sofa, raises his hand deprecatingly) Now, don't deny it; I'm ashamed of you.

Re-enter Daisy L. 2 E.; she stands near door.

Miss A. (sharply) Pete! (Pete trembles and seems frightened) Take him to his room, give him a hot foot bath, apply mustard plasters to both temples and back of his neck, drench him with strong soda water, wrap him in woolen blankets——

Deacon. (sinks to sofa with hopeless expression) Oh, Lord, kill me at once, and be done with it.

Wheeler. (folds arms) Triumph No. 2.

Deacon on sofa; Mrs. T. up C.; Miss A. R. 3 E.; Helen L. 2 E.; Daisy L. 2 E.; Wheeler R. 2 E.; Pete and Billy L. 1 E.

QUICK DROP.