I wuz uptown wunce w'en I had de time uv me life. Dere's a good many uv de mob around de Reservation wot ain't never been uptown. Dey never travelled an' don't know nuttin'. Yer kin rend t'ings out uv books an' papers but you've got ter see 'em if yer want ter git next rite.

Dat's de only way.

Well, dis is de way dis trip happened.

A bloke wot lives uptown an' knows all erbout it an' who's er kind uv er pal uv mine on account uv me knowin' him so long cum down wun nite an' tips me off dat he wants ter take me an' me gal up to er swell dump w'ere dere's er racket. I wuz afraid dat I would have ter dig up wun uv dose funny suits uv clothes wid er white shirt, but he said nixey, dat it wuz all rite ter go just as I wuz. So I hussies around and digs up Slats—me bundle, yer know—an' off we start.

“Cum on,” sez de swell bloke, “let's take er car.”

“No,” sez I, “let's do de Dan O'Leary—walk, yer know—an' blow in de car far fer er cupple uv mugs uv ale.”

It wuz like goin' ter China fer Slats, fer she always stuck to de block, an' by de time we got ter Fourteenth street she wuz hancin' on ter me right wing like.

I give her a waist hold wot almost took her off her pins. “Dis guy hez got us uptown here an' if yer ain't careful he'll switch an' drop us in an ice wagon an' give us er freeze out. So keep dat kisser uv yours barricaded an' consider yerself stuffed 'til yer git back.”

Just den de bloke we wuz wid handed me er segar dat wuz er beaut. It must hev cost ten cents, enny-how.

Den Slats opened up ag'in.

“Say, Willie,” she sez, “yer ain't got er cigaret, hev yer?”

“Sure,” sez he, an' he hands her er box uv 'em.

Well, she copped de whole bunch an handed him back de empty box.

De bloke looked at me an' I looked at Slats an' she looked at de cigaret's. Wot do yer t'ink uv dat fer gall?

W'en I got er chance I whispered:

“Say, w'ere's de bloke's cigaret's?”

“Wot bloke's cigaret's?” she sez.

“W'y de bloke wot brought us up here.”

Den she gives me de old gaserline smile and sez:

“Ah, fergit it.”

“I won't fergit it, an' wot do ver tink uv dat?” sez I.

“Well, try an' fergit it,” sez she.

Dat took all de asbestos out uv me fer a minnit, so I sez:

“All rite me old bundle, I'll put de kibosh on you w'en we git back ter de Reservation.”

By this time she wuz gittin' kinder used ter de lights, an' I could see she wuz gittin' fresh. So I t'ought dat maybe I'd hev ter hand her wun just ter keep her in her place, w'en we pulled up in frunt uv er big joint.

“Wot dump is dis?” sez Slats.

“Dis is er hotel,” sez he.

Wid dat Slats give me er nudge wid de elbow an' wun uv dem bum winks.

“Whoever heard uv er hotel ez big ez dat?” sez she an' she wouldn't stand fer it fer er minnit.

In de front dere wuz er lot uv swell bundles wid all kinds uv togs on an quarries—yer know di'monds—in dere ears. I wuz takin' dem all in an' Slats wuz pipin' in der frunt winders at der guys wid de feed bags on, w'en de bloke we wuz wid hustled us erlong, but she went back ter git anudder look an' de first t'ing I knew she wuz hollerin':

“Ha, Chuck, Chuck, cum here.”

So I goes back an' dere she wuz wid er laugh on her face dat went from her ears ter her eyebrows, “Say,” she sez, “pipe de clothes dis mug hez got on. Dat's grate, ain't it?”

“Dat's er bell boy,” sez de bloke.

“Bell boy, nix,” she sez. “Under de table fer yours. Wot are yer tryin' ter do, string me? Yer might call him er bell boy, but I don't seen no bells about him. I t'ink he's er ringer.”

Well, we dragged her away before she got pinched, an' den we landed in de place w'ere de racket wuz. We took it all in from plush ter creem cakes, an' we hadn't been dere twenty minuits w'en sum swell mug copped Slats an' took her away from me. But dat didn't faze me, fer I went down to de fence wid sum uv de mob an' got t'rowin' booze inter me sistem an' smokin' dem Hennery Clay butts. After erwhile I sez to meself: “I guess I'll go an' dig up Slats.”

I wuz lookin' fer her so long dat, on de level, I t'ought I'd get nearsighted, an' w'en I got er flash uv her w'ere do yer t'ink she wuz? Over in er corner wid er bloke dat had er lace curtain on his Mulligan—yer know, whiskers on his face.

I tares over to her an' sez:

“Cum on, Sis, dere's er bloke over here wot wants yer ter give him er twist.”

“Tell de bloke ter send over his card,” she sez. “Mebbe I don't know him.”

“His wot?” sez I.

“His card,” sez she. “Yer ain't no boiler-maker. Yer heard wot I sed.”

Ain't it funny de way tarts will fall fer er new graft. Slats wuz rite in line, an' wuz actin' just like doze swell bundles wot give er guy de frozen face w'en dey don't like de way he combs his hair. Take it frum me, cull, it takes er woman ter git next quick. Put 'em enny-where's, an' yer'd t'ink dey'd lived dere all dere lives.

De old bloke pulled out er pair uv gig-lamps an' put 'em on, an' den he give me er grate sizin' up. Den he turned ter Slats, an' sez:

“Who's yer friend?”

Well, dat got me goin', an' I sez: “Me? Why, I'm Chuck Connors, de Mayor uv Chinatown, an' how do yer feel after de shock?”

He wuz goin' ter say sumthin, but I cut him off, an' I told Slats she had ter cum out on de floor an' give me er twist.

“Not on yer tut tut,” she sez. “Yer out uv it.”

“Are ye sore on me because dis mug yer wid hez got er super an' is all dressed up like er flat on de instalment plan?”

“Shove off frum me an' me company,” sez she.

I give her er look, an' bein' strange ter de place, I didn't know wot ter do, so I t'inks de safest t'ing is de best, an' I screws me nut fer de Reservation, leavin' Her Nobs wid old boy Whiskers.

I hit de feathers somew'ere's about 2 o'clock, an' de next mornin' er cupple uv de mob cum up ter tell me dat Slats wuz pinched fer sluggin' two Chinks an' stoppin' er trolley car on de Bowery, an' fer givin' de cop er fight w'en he tried ter take her in.

Dere wuz only wun t'ing fer me ter do, so I takes er walk over ter de Tombs, an' dere I seen her wid er bunch uv de talent in de pen. She looked kind uv rockey. I went over and sez: “Wot's de matter wid yer?”

“Nuttin,” sez she. “Pay me fine an' don't leave me here wid dis bunch.”

“Pay nuttin,” sez I. “I ought ter give yer a wallop in de kisser. I guess yer fergit last nite, don't yer? Yer ought ter git er good thumpin'.”

“I wouldn't kick if I did,” she sez. “But say, Chuck, yer wouldn't hev de heart ter leave me here, would yer, wid dis bunch uv bums?”

Just den wun uv de bundles wot wuz sloughed up dere—wid er peach uv er black eye an' er t'ree-months thirst—butted in wid: “Excuse me, Miss, are yer referin' ter me? Fer if yer are, I want yer ter understand dat I'm none uv yer cheap Chinatown tarts, I ain't.”

“Mebbe yer ain't,” sez Slats, “but yer kin drink all de bum roof paint dey got in Chinatown, an' yer needn't put on enny lugs in dis joint.”

It made me feel kid uv good ter hear Slats hand it back like dat, so I sez: “Cut it out, Sis, an' lissen ter er wise crack. Will yer be nice if I pay yer fine?”

“Will I?” she sez. “Just you put up de dough, an' den watch me do de minuet out uv dat door.” So I went ter de bloke behind de desk, an' sez: “Say, have yer got Slat's name in yer album?”

“Nothin' doin',” sez he.

“Well, hev yer got Kitty McClinchy dere?”

“Sure,” he sez. “Ten dollars.”

So I digs down in me kick an' cums up wid er ten spot.

“De best uv friends must part,” sez I, ez I let go uv it, “an' it don't grow in er mug's pocket like grass in de country. Cum on Slats,” I hollered, an' we heads fer Chinatown. “Uptown may be all rite, but it costs coin ter git wid dat swell push. Are yer goin' ter be good, now?”

She didn't say nuttin' but chucked her arms around me neck, an' dat wuz wort' $10 enny day.

Dat nite we buried de hatchet in four cans ov Barney's Best.