Alice. Well, if that Miss Chickenfencer comes back I shall have to send for the police reserves to take her away. Of all the people I've ever met she is the limit. Can you imagine anyone being so——('Phone rings) Hello—Yes—Here I am on the wire.... Who is this? Oh, Miss Chickenfencer.... What's that? You'll be back when?... Speak louder, please.... Oh, good gracious, don't scream.... Oh, you won't come back. (Aside) Thank the Lord! (Through 'phone) Very well—I am sure you will be happy.... Yes, he also. (Aside) God help the poor man. (Through 'phone) I'm busy now——(Lays receiver down; picks up pen; writes; takes up receiver) Good-bye. I was just in time to bid her good-bye. I wonder what she was saying all that time, and she just married? ENTER c.d. Miss Prune (Diana disguised). Alice. Hello, what have we here? Miss Prune. Pardon, madame. (Bows low) I believe I have the pleasure to address the young lady advertising for a stenographer. Alice (aside). I'm in for it again. I suppose this is the applicant. (To Miss Prune) Yes, I have the painful privilege to inform you that before you is the woman who is in sore need of a helping hand. Miss Prune. May I be seated? Alice. Certainly. Miss Prune. I wonder what good fortune directed my steps towards you. You see I was between two minds (Sews) whether to accept this position—— Alice (aside). She is mine already. Miss Prune. ...—or whether to take that of a secretary to a young man. But I said to myself, if there is a woman, noble and upright enough to earn her own living without depending on mere man, it is my duty as one of her sex to plod along with her in her courageous career. So I refused the other position and came I to thee. Alice. But, my dear madam, I am afraid you did a foolish thing. Know you not that a secretary's position pays better than that of an office assistant? The latter is all I require. Miss Prune. When you speak like that to me, you make the tears of sorrow gush forth from my eyes. (Applies handkerchief to eyes; Alice smiles) Do you think money is the only thing worth while? Ah, no! (Stands; very dramatically) I care nothing for money. It is to help to do something noble that I crave. (Hand over heart) It is here, here, that I feel that there will come a day when my name, Dewdrop Mehitable Prune, shall tremble on every lip. I shall be honored and obeyed. And (To Alice) why will I be distinguished and honored? Because of my noble nature and willing ways. I should shrink from taking one penny of yours to pay me for services rendered you in your hour of need. Alice. I am afraid, then, that you have come to the wrong party. I am not great enough myself, never mind enabling you to attain your noble heights. Miss Prune. Say no more about it. Here I am, and here I intend staying. Pay me what you will; but I shall continue to maintain this lofty position. Alice (aside). I fear she is crazy, but, I believe, harmless. (To Miss Prune) Would you mind if I inquired of you your accomplishments? Miss Prune. My talents are varied. I am well versed in literature and consider myself a girl of wide erudition. I can perform a little on the harp and piano. My voice—— Alice. Just a minute, please. I suppose you can dance, sing, flirt, cook, paint, etc., but can you take dictation, answer the telephone, and attend to an office in general? Miss Prune. Yes, ma'am. Alice. Well, then, I shall have to leave you for the present in charge here. I have an appointment. Now listen, I want it thoroughly understood that you are to treat all visitors with the deepest respect. Make them feel at home, and keep them here until I return. Now remember my directions, please. (EXIT Alice c.d. Miss Prune clears table; does away with all papers) ENTER Mrs. Baxter c.d. Mrs. Baxter. Is Miss Berning in? Miss Prune. Oh, no, she has just gone out. But come right in and sit down; she will be back directly. (Dusts chair for Mrs. Baxter; sits opposite her; sews) Isn't it warm to-day? This morning I was down to the market and I am that tired. But it was worth it. Why I got the sweetest butter for 30 cents and a dandy head of cabbage for 4 cents; imagine that, 4 cents. How much do you pay for cheese? Mrs. Baxter. Really—I haven't the slightest idea what my servant pays for it. Miss Prune. Well, now, isn't that too bad? Now if you knew, perhaps I could help you to buy it cheaper. Tell your servant to go down to Mulligan's market on Second Avenue, and you will be surprised at the results. Mrs. Baxter. I haven't the least doubt. Will you please tell Miss Berning that I called. Here's my card. (Walks to c.d.) Miss Prune. But where are you going? You must wait until Miss Berning returns. Come now, let me take your hat and coat and make yourself comfortable. (Pushes Mrs. Baxter into chair) Mrs. Baxter (furious). Will you kindly tell me the meaning of this? I command you to open that door and let me pass out. Miss Prune. Now there, don't get excited. I have my orders to make visitors comfortable and I intend to carry them out. (Telephone rings; Miss Prune looks around for button) I suppose that is another visitor. I'll tick the button. (Pushes button on wall; loud report; both jump) Mrs. Baxter. Good gracious, what are you trying to do, kill—— Miss Prune. Oh, that's all right; the old bell is out of order. But never mind. Here, (Hands large book to Mrs. Baxter) make yourself comfortable while I stand at the door to welcome the approaching guest. (Stands at c.d.; looks up and down) Mrs. Baxter (aside). Oh Lord, she must be mad. If I try to escape I shudder to think of the results. (Telephone rings loud and long) Miss Prune. Why don't she come up, whoever she is? I can't go down to her. (Telephone rings) Now this is too bad, the poor bo—— Mrs. Baxter (edging away). Perhaps if you take up that receiver (Points to 'phone) that ringing will cease. Miss Prune (crosses to 'phone). Well now, who'd ever have thought it was this ringing? (Through 'phone) Hello—Hell-O—Yes—Yes—Yes. She'll be right back.... Well, in about an hour's time. (Mrs. Baxter frightened) Hold the wire then until she returns. Call soon again. Good luck to you. (ENTER Miss Worker) Well, how-do-you-do? Come right in. Here, be seated. Let me take your hat—— Miss Worker. But I say—— Miss Prune. Now don't say a word. Make yourself comfortable. Are you acquainted with this woman? (Mrs. Baxter) No? Oh, goodness, what is your name? Oh, never mind, I've got your card. Mrs. John Baxter, meet—oh, what is your name? (Miss Worker) Nevertheless, pull your chair up closer to Mrs. Baxter and engage in conversation. I've got a letter to write. Miss Worker. This is indeed a pleasure to meet one who is so well known in society. I presume you are Mrs. Baxter, the wife of Senator Baxter? Mrs. Baxter (cuttingly). You are correct in your supposition. Miss Worker. Perhaps, then, you can help me in my work by contributing to a new home being erected for homeless men. Mrs. Baxter. Really! I am not interested. Miss Worker. Surely you will not refuse money for such a noble cause. Why just this past winter we have housed—— Mrs. Baxter (yawns). I have no doubt. If you go around to my residence, my secretary shall attend to you. Miss Worker. Oh, but how much better would it be to receive it direct from you. Just think of the benefits and blessings that God would shower down upon you if you gave with your own hands out of a charitable heart a few of your earthly goods. Mrs. Baxter (yawns). Really I am sure it would be delightful. But I have told you what to do; so do it or not, just as you wish. Miss Worker. Ah, my dear Mrs. Baxter, I cannot believe—— ENTER Mary c.d. Mary. Hello, everyone. Where's Miss Berning? Miss Prune. Not in at present. But make yourself at home. Mary. Don't speak to me of home. Home is only a figure of speech. Why who ruins the home of to-day? (Excited) It is man, man, MAN; it is MAN ruining everything. Why did we have such a hard time to get the vote? It was because he will have to part with some of his ruining ways. I say, give me freedom of vote or give me DEATH. Miss Prune. Well—well—then be—eh—make yourself comfortable. Mary. How can I be comfortable, when all around me I see women stretching forth their hands to us to help them, now that we got the vote? They work and slave for man and what does he do for them in return? Nothing. (Miss Prune and Miss Worker both jump; Mrs. Baxter bored) They are paid a few dollars but nothing more. Were we allowed to direct, to have a voice in the Government? No. We were good enough as playthings, helpmates or slaves for man, but when it came to anything higher we were scoffed down. Oh, now that we've got the vote we will show them. I ask you (To Miss Prune) are we not man's equal in everything? Miss Prune. I—I—guess so. (Mrs. Baxter amused; Miss Worker nervous) Mary. Ah, you make me sick. (Shakes Miss Prune) Wake up! Get some spunk into you! Demand your rights! Speak up! Have some aim in life! Don't you ever want to raise yourself higher, become someone who will be well worth knowing? Miss Prune. Ye—yes, ma'am. Mary. Well, you never will be if you act like this. (Turns suddenly) Oh, Mrs. Baxter, how-do-you-do? Why, when did you come in? Mrs. Baxter. About two hours ago. Mary. You don't mean to tell me that you were here all that time and I not seeing you? Well, well, isn't that funny? But, by the way, Mrs. Baxter, are you still of the same idea regarding Woman Suffrage? Mrs. Baxter. I still maintain what I have told you over and over again. A woman's place is in her home. (Yawns) To be candid, it would, indeed, bore me to have to vote, and broaden my mind, as you say. I have so many social affairs to attend I really find no time for your clubs. Mary. You are too lazy. All you are good for is to—— Mrs. Baxter (stamps foot). How dare you insult me like that. I am my own mistress, and I can do as I please. What do you do? You go around demanding your rights, while your hus—— Mary (excited). I will not have a mean, gossiping woman like you, who would much rather go around to——(Miss Prune enjoying it) Miss Worker (comes between two). For shame! (Prayerful attitude) Oh Lord, forgive them. It would be better for both of you to go your own way without molesting one another. Mrs. Baxter. Yes, I intend going my way. But I insist upon an apology from this woman. Mary. Why should I apologize to you? Ah, my cause, my noble cause! (Stands on chair) Three cheers for Woman Suffrage and may she rule from one corner of the earth to the other! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Mrs. Baxter (opposite). Three cheers for the Antis! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! [EXIT c.d. Miss Worker ENTER Alice c.d., horrified; Miss Prune hides. Alice. Why, Mary and Mrs. Baxter, what does this mean? (Mrs. Baxter and Mary both run to Alice) Mrs. Baxter. Oh, my dear Alice, on which side are you? For it or against it? Mary (scornfully). Of course she is on my side. She has too much brains to be on yours. Mrs. Baxter. How dare you? Do you mean to insinuate—— Alice. Oh, come now. Stop this quarreling. To tell the truth, I am neutral. Together (Mrs. Baxter and Mary glaring at one another) There. Alice. But, tell me, what brought you here? Mrs. Baxter. I just dropped in to ask you to attend a dinner party this evening. Mary. She will not go. She is coming with me. (Puts arm around Alice) There's a dear. Won't you come to the lecture given by Dr. Weeks this evening on "What Woman Will Do With the Vote"? Alice. I'll tell you what I will do. I shall go to neither place. Come now, you two shake hands and be good friends. Mrs. Baxter. I will n—— Alice. For the land's sake, why keep up this pretense any longer? You know right well, Mary, that you are dying to know where Mrs. Baxter bought her new hat. (Mrs. Baxter and Mary look at one another; both laugh) Mary. You are right, Alice. Although we rave and clamor for our rights, we are still only women down deep in our hearts. Mrs. Baxter. And, although I try to make people think I would not be bothered about Woman's Rights, I am still enough of a woman not to want a man to get anything over on me. Well, come along, Mary; I have a new gown to show you. Mrs. Baxter.} [EXIT Mrs. Baxter and Mary c.d., chatting gaily Alice. Well, those two are beyond me. A few minutes ago they were fighting like two bitter enemies, and now they go off like two of the best friends. Well, strange things do happen. (Turns to table) Oh dear, what has happened to my stenographer and—oh!—oh!—where have my papers and letters disappeared to? (Spies Miss Prune in corner) So, there you are. Will you kindly tell me the meaning of this? What have you done with my papers? Miss Prune. Burned them. Alice. You have what? Do you realize that they were important legal documents? (Falls in chair; covers face with hand) Oh dear, oh dear, what shall I do. I guess I might as well give it all up. Miss Prune. Good! Alice. Why, what do you mean? Miss Prune. This. (Removes make-up) Alice. Diana? Diana. At your service, mum. Alice. Explain! Diana. It is simply this. When I left your office yesterday I was bound to have you come with us by hook or by crook, so, very much depressed in spirits, I walked into the club and who should I meet there but two of my old school-mates. Instantly I thought of this plan, and to bring back school-day memories they promised to help me. My beloved school chums were to apply for the position you had open and I would also. So, my dear, Miss Johnickstoner, the first applicant, happens to be Miss Marie Hopkins, daughter of the mayor of Koscoe, the second applicant, Miss Chickenfencer, was the most dare-devil girl in our school, Miss Rose Fishby, and the third stands before you. Alice. Well, of all the nerve! I must say you had little to do to play such a joke on me. Diana (arm around Alice). There now, cheer up. You know you are dying to laugh and vow it was a clever way to make you give up this silly fad. Of course, I am sure of your coming now. Alice. Indeed. (Laughs) Well, I must admit you certainly played the game high. I suppose I simply must give in. But, oh dear, how I shall be laughed at. Diana. All you have got to do is to laugh also. You know the old saying, "Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone." Alice. But, Mrs. Baxter, what will she say when she finds this out? Diana (laughs). Oh, some day I shall act for you the part Mrs. Baxter played in this tragedy. My, but her dignity was taken down a bit. Alice. I can imagine. Diana. The only thing I regret is the impression we gave you of stenographers. I must admit we did exaggerate a little. But, you see, if we acted as real stenographers, you would be so pleased and contented with your lot that you would never consent to give it up. Alice (sighs). But, oh, I can just picture father and Jack referring to this, in a burst of laughter, as "Alice's Blighted Profession." (Both look at one another; laugh) CURTAIN MALE CHARACTERS FUN IN A SCHOOL ROOM Farce in One Act. Four Males By Harry E. Shelland One interior scene. A Dutch dialect teacher and three pupils consisting of a Bowery tough, a Hebrew boy, and a rather good little boy, create much merriment. Plays forty minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS A MANAGER'S TRIALS Farce in One Act. Nine Males By A.L. Fisher One interior scene. Daniel Slowman's encounters with the various applicants who respond to his advertisement will make a mummy laugh. The piece is rich in opportunities for easy but telling character acting. Plays thirty minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS MEDICA Farce in One Act. Seven Males By W.K. Engle One interior scene. Runs with a snap from beginning to end—there isn't a slow part in it. It is sure to please. It will bring down the house wherever played. Plays thirty-five minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS SNOBSON'S STAG-PARTY Farce in One Act. Twelve Males By Levin C. Tees One interior scene. The cast includes a Coon, Dutchman, Irishman, Dago, Cockney, Irishwoman and ward politician. The piece will fetch roars of laughter and can be made the medium of all kinds of "specialties." Plays "straight," one hour. PRICE 15 CENTS THE LITTLE RED MARE Farce in One Act. Three Males By O.E. Young One interior scene. By a series of comical episodes the farmer's daughter is mistaken for his red mare and the audience is kept in roars of laughter over the muddle, till it is finally cleared up. Plays thirty-five minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS THE WARDROBE OF THE KING Burlesque in One Act. Eight Males By William J. McKiernan One exterior scene. Costumes grotesque and fantastic. An amusing burlesque for boys, easily produced, full of bright situations, and sure to make a hit. The play may be staged very simply, or made as elaborate as the producer sees fit. Besides the eight speaking parts, the company of officers, suite of the King and Queen, etc., may utilize any number of persons. Plays one hour. By the introduction of specialties the time may be considerably lengthened. PRICE 15 CENTS FEMALE CHARACTERS CRANFORD DAMES Play in One Act. Eight or Fourteen Females By Alice Byington Two interior scenes. Costumes of sixty years ago. A clever adaptation of Mrs. Gaskell's "Cranford," which is perhaps one of the finest pieces of humoristic writing within the range of English fiction. Plays one and a half hours. PRICE 15 CENTS MURDER WILL OUT Farce in One Act. Six Females By L.M. Elwyn One interior scene. A breezy and effective farce in which half a dozen bright girls can delight an audience with half an hour of innocent fun. Grandmother Stiles and her demure but frolicsome granddaughter are excellent characters; Dinah, the colored cook, is amusing, and Bridget O'Flaherty is a funny Irish girl—her quarrel with Dinah being exceedingly laughable. Plays thirty minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS GERTRUDE MASON, M.D.; OR, THE LADY DOCTOR Farce in One Act. Seven Females By L.M.C. Armstrong Plain interior scene. An exceedingly bright piece for young ladies, in which young Dr. Gertrude, already a victim of circumstances, is made the victim of a practical joke. Plays thirty minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS MAIDENS ALL FORLORN Comedy in Three Acts. Six Females By Evelyn Simms Scene, a parlor in a seaside cottage. Three young girls, chafing under the monotony of a man-forsaken resort, write Teddy to come and visit them. Teddy cannot come but answers that his friend, Dr. Jocelyn Denby, will come and help while away the time. Great preparations are made for his reception, including much interest by a maiden Aunt. Each prepares a present to bestow on the Doctor and feigns an ailment to interest him. The Doctor arrives—a woman. Plays one hour. PRICE 15 CENTS PLACE AUX DAMES; OR, THE LADIES SPEAK AT LAST Shakespearian sketch in One Act. Four Females One plain interior scene. Four of Shakespeare's heroines, Portia, Juliet, Ophelia and Lady Macbeth, find themselves at a watercure where they discuss their husbands. A clever burlesque, long a favorite and now published for the first time at a popular price. Plays forty-five minutes. PRICE 15 CENTS THE ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS Comedy in Three Acts. Four Females By Evelyn Simms One interior scene. A capital little play offering four well contrasted parts of nearly equal value and strength. Plays one hour. PRICE 15 CENTS PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH
PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH
MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH
RURAL PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH
ENTERTAINMENTS 25 CENTS EACH
COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 25 CENTS EACH
WESTERN PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH
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