Helen C. Clifford

—A modern business office. Center door, desk in center covered with paper and letters; four office chairs, telephone, rug, etc., as may be available.
DISCOVERED: Alice seated at desk.

ENTER, c.d., Diana.

Diana. Well, Alice Berning, what do you mean by being indoors on such a beautiful day? Come, put on your wraps, my machine is——

Alice. Diana, you are a regular steam engine. No, I cannot accept your kind invitation to go for a spin.

Diana. Do you know what brought me here to-day? It was to ask you to accompany us on our tour through the north next week. (Sits on arm of Alice's chair) There's a dear. Say you will come. Why, you cannot imagine how disappointed Jack and I will be, not mentioning all our other guests, if you refuse.

Alice. Really, Diana, I am very sorry to have to refuse. But I simply cannot go. Why, look at all this correspondence and no one but myself to answer it.

Diana. Why don't you get a stenographer? Why not advertise?

Alice. Oh, I've done that—I advertised for a stenographer, and, would you believe it, when I came down this morning there were at least twenty-five applicants outside my door clamoring to get in.

Diana. And how did you get rid of them?

Alice. I interviewed each one separately, but found not one qualified to do my work. I verily believe if I encounter another applicant like any of my last ones I shall close up shop and bury myself in the woods. (Woe-begone look)

Diana (fingering cards and papers on desk). Alice Marie Jenkins Berning, what does this mean? Why there isn't anything on these so-called letters but meaningless words. Since when did Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Courld, Mr. Montemout and all these other society favorites become your clients? Ah-ah—the plot thickens—so Dick has been consulting you, too? I suppose he wishes to sue for a separation or something like that. (Cries wildly) Oh dear, oh dear!

Alice. Diana, if you do not stop that nonsense you will spoil my practice. What will my clients think if they should come in and see you carrying on so?

Diana (sobs). Oh, but my husband; to think he has deceived me so. Oh dear, oh dear!

Alice. For goodness sake, stop! And how unlucky you should find out the real state of affairs.

Diana (brightly). Come now, own up. You haven't had a client since you started, and these papers are only pretenses so that a promising client might think you prosperous.

Alice (sighs). Well, I might as well own up. I certainly have had bad luck; but, never mind, my luck will change.

Diana. Ah, dearie, when will you learn your lesson? You were never meant to battle and worry like this, and——

Alice. I am not——

Diana (places hand over Alice's mouth). Now there, please do not interrupt me. Of course you are worrying; why there are tiny wrinkles forming across your brow, and before you know it your mouth will become a straight line and the sparkle will disappear from your dear eyes. Now come—give up this silly fad.

Alice. Can't. When I started this, everyone was against me, especially father and Tom, and now that I've started I shall continue. But how I do wish for better business, and also for an office assistant.

Diana. Well, (Walks toward c.d.) I've got a date with the dressmaker. I'm sorry you are so firm about this thing. Well, good-bye and good luck. [EXIT c.d.

Alice. Well, it could not be avoided, (Rearranges papers) but I will not give it up. Why, I'm stationed here a month and not a client yet. (Listens) I do believe someone is coming toward this office. I must put on a business air. (Through telephone; makes sure it does not ring) Yes, I know—but you see business is so rushed now. (ENTER c.d. Bell) Well, I might consider it. Just a minute, please. (To Bell) Just be seated a minute, please. (Through telephone) As I was saying, I cannot consider it below $5,000.... What's that?... I'm sorry, but my advice is always worth that.... No, not a cent less....

Bell. I beg your——

Alice (waves Bell to silence; continues through telephone). No, I cannot spare time now.... Yes, come over to-morrow.... Oh, about this time.... Good day. (Writes)

Bell. But I say——

Alice. Just a minute, please, and then I'll attend to you. (Writes, blots, folds) Well, madam, what can I do for you?

Bell. Well—I—I—jus-t—just——

Alice. Please, my time is valuable.

Bell. I just wanted to know if—if—you would contribute to the home for disabled animals?

Alice (gasps). No, madam, I am not interested—in—animals. Good-day. (EXIT Bell, nervously, c.d.) Well, of all the nerve! And all that energy wasted.

ENTER Miss Johnickstoner, c.d.

Alice. Well?

Miss Johnickstoner. I—I—came—in—answer to your advertisement.

Alice. Take a seat, please. Now write your name and address. (Miss Johnickstoner writes name) Well, Miss Johnickstoner, what is your average speed in stenography?

Miss John. I—I—don't—do—not—know.

Alice. Well, try. (Dictates) Dear Sir: We are in receipt of your favor of the 9th inst. Now with reference to your claim that——(Miss Johnickstoner brings handkerchief to face; sobs) My dear—eh—Miss, what is the trouble?

Miss John. I didn't get the word after receipt.

Alice. We'll try again. Ready? (Dictates) Dear Sir: We are in receipt of your favor of the 9th inst. Now with reference to your——(Miss Johnickstoner stops; looks up at Alice; sobs) What now?

Miss John. My point broke.

Alice. Here's another. We'll continue now. (Dictates)—claim I would suggest that you would let it drop for the present. You know——(Long wail from Miss Johnickstoner) Now this—is—too—bad. What is it this time?

Miss John. I don't (Sobs) think I li-ke this work.

Alice. Oh!

Miss John. I think I'll be going—now——Mamma—is waiting—for me—outside. [EXIT c.d.

Alice. Ah, the poor little darling and her Mamma waiting for her. Ugh!

ENTER Miss Chickenfencer, c.d.

Miss Chickenfencer. I believe I'm in the right place. I came in answer to your advertisement.

Alice. Yes? Now, before we begin, are you addicted to crying?

Miss Chicken (takes small powder puff from handbag; powders nose). What a funny question. Well, you see, if the story is really sad, I shed a few tears. You know, the kind (Dramatically) where they are just about to be married, when he receives a letter from his father commanding him to come home—he goes but she remains; day by day she longs for him, and gradually fades away—and—just as she—is dying—her—long-lost—lost——

Alice. I'm sorry, but really——

Miss Chicken. Oh, that's all right; I was almost finished anyway. (Looks around office) Say, I kind-a like this place. What are the wages?

Alice. I start at $20.

Miss Chicken. $20? Well—I might consider it. What am I required to do?

Alice. I suppose you can take dictation, also answer the telephone when I'm not here.

Miss Chicken. You bet I can. You should have——

Alice. I'll dictate a little to you now.

Miss Chicken. Very well. Fire away.

Alice (dictates). Dear Sir: We are in receipt of your——

Miss Chicken. Isn't it funny? Now at my last place, the boss said that word just like you, and because I corrected him he was furious.

Alice. To which word do you refer?

Miss Chicken. Why, you said receipt instead of recipe.

Alice. I prefer saying receipt. We shall continue now—(Dictates)—letter of the 6th inst. The claim you mentioned in your letter is one that will be hard to tackle.

Miss Chicken. Good gracious, I'm stuck. Say, how do you write that word? (Thinks) Oh, never mind, I know.

Alice. You know that many of my clients have had similar cases, but I have had to refuse to take them. Although I would like to take your case I am afraid—(Miss Chickenfencer throws pencil down)—that I shall have to——(To Miss Chickenfencer) Why are you not writing?

Miss Chicken. Goodness! you are a regular steam engine. Say, would you mind if I took off my coat and hat. I'm sure we'll become real intimate—(Powders nose)—and you sitting there all that time and not telling me that my nose was shiny.

Alice. Are you finished? I hate to disturb you, but——

Miss Chicken. Oh, that's all right. Just a minute until I fix this dip. Say, isn't it awful when you wash your hair. I can't do a thing with mine. Now I have a friend whose hair is so——

Alice. Really you must excuse me, but would you mind reading the letter as far as you have gone?

Miss Chicken. Certainly not. Here goes. (Reads) We are in recipe——

Alice. Receipt.

Miss Chicken.—of your favor of the 6th inst. The clam——

Alice. The what?

Miss Chicken. Clam.

Alice. Oh!! Claim.

Miss Chicken. Oh, of course. (Giggles) How stupid of me. (Reads)—you mentioned in your letter is one that will be hard to tickle——

Alice. Oh, lor——

Miss Chicken. You know that many of my giants—— (Telephone rings)

Alice (through 'phone). Hello—yes—who?—Miss Chickenfencer?—Why no, there is——

Miss Chicken. Hold on there. That's for me. (Through 'phone) Hello—Oh, it is you, Bob? Yes, I met him on Wall Street and told him where I was bound for. Go on! What are you trying to do? Oh. Bob stop. You know I did not.... I say I did not.

Alice. My dear Miss——

Miss Chicken (waves Alice to silence). That will be great. Oh, that's all right; this woman here is a perfect dear. I know she won't mind my taking this afternoon off.

Alice. Well of all the nerve.

Miss Chicken. Well, about two o'clock? Very well—good-bye. (Hangs up receiver) Isn't he the sport? You should see him. Six feet two; dark eyes and hair; dances divinely, and, talk about giving you a good time, he is right there. How fortunate I am to have him ask me to-day when I was feeling so bored with being indoors—and, oh, the dance afterwards. Whew! Oh, I could hug you to death, you old dear, to let me off like this to enjoy myself. (Dances around stage) Something great is going to happen to-day. I feel it. Just think, first I am employed here, and now Bob is going to take me out——

Alice. I'm sorry, that——

Miss Chicken. There, there, all right. I know you're going to say you are so sorry that it is not a nicer day. Oh, but we do not mind the weather in the least. (Looks in mirror) Goodness! this mirror is too small. Tell me, is my hat on at the right angle? Oh, I guess it is all right. (Walks to door) I'll see you to-morrow at 10 o'clock. That's the time, is it not?

Alice. My dear young lady, you need not come back at——

Miss Chicken. You are too kind hearted. And I never take advantage of kindness. Of course I'll come back to-morrow. You were just going to say I need not come back until to-morrow afternoon. The idea, leaving you to answer all this correspondence. (Looks at watch) Good gracious, I must be off. It's half-past one. Now don't work too hard. Good-bye! [EXIT c.d.

(Alice, overcome, sinks in chair; throws up hands)

CURTAIN