  Reprinted from Pack-O-Fun Skit Book No. 1 uncaptioned The puppets are made from old socks with burlap, felt, cardboard, sponge, plastic lacing and buttons used for features, tentacles, and claws. The operators sit on chairs on either side of a theatre made from a cardboard carton, with openings cut in each side. Stage directions for right and left are for a person ON STAGE, facing the audience. The direction from which each character enters must be considered in making the puppets. (The ANNOUNCER appears in front of the curtain.) Announcer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! For years the action-filled western has reigned supreme as a favorite with adventure story lovers. Recently, however, its popularity has been challenged by a rush of interest in underwater drama. Tonight, we combine these trends and proudly present a production that will please everyone: A-Cowboy-Story-Under-The-Sea. Its title is “Phineas Rides Again” or “The Foam Ranger.” The following exciting characters will appear: Phineas Fish—The Hero Clem Clam—His Sidekick Susie Starfish—The Heroine Oily Oliver Octopus—The Villain Louie the Lobster—His Accomplice Sam Sponge—The Sheriff Shall we join the players way down yonder in the wild western ocean? (ANNOUNCER leaves, and the curtain opens far enough to reveal the puppet theatre. PHINEAS has entered from RIGHT and is on stage, alone, singing. Others backstage may join him to add to the volume.) Phineas: (To the tune of “Home on the Range”) Oh, give me a home where the mackerel roam And the cod and the anchovies play. Where often is seen, the cheerful sardine And the sunfish is shining all day. (CLEM enters from LEFT during song.) Phineas: Hi ya Clem. Some tun-a, eh? Clem: Frankly, Finny, it smelt. Phineas: Ah, quit carping. Clem: Did you hear about the commotion in town? Phineas: What’s up? Clem: Somebody robbed the Oyster bank early this morning. Phineas: Great Grunion! Did they get much? Clem: Stole all the pearls and a million dollars in gold fish. Phineas: Phew! That’s a lot of fish! What’s the Sheriff doing? Clem: Oh, he’s floundering around. Phineas: Clem, go tell him we’ll help solve this case. Clem: O.K. (CLEM leaves, PHINEAS begins singing “I’m An Old Cow Hand,” but is violently bumped as the SHERIFF enters LEFT.) Phineas: Hey, Sam, did you do that on porpoise? Sheriff: Sorry, Finny. I haven’t been so excited since my dogfish had guppies. Phineas: Clem told me about the robbery. Have you found the varmints yet? Sheriff: Nope. They left a red herring on the trail. Phineas: Hm. Must have been some daring soles. Sheriff: Oh, I don’t know. Only an ’eel would do a thing like that. Phineas: I’ll go get my sea horse from the coral and join the posse. Sheriff: Fine. See you later. (SHERIFF leaves. Before PHINEAS can leave, a girl is heard, crying, and SUSIE enters, LEFT.) Susie: Oh, I’m so frightened! Please help me, Phineas. Phineas: Stop your blubberin’, little gal. What’s wrong? Susie: (weeping) I can’t find the Sheriff! I think I know who robbed the bank, and they’re after me! Phineas: Who, gal, who? Susie: Oily Oliver Octopus and Louie the Lobster! Phineas: Are you sure? Why I remember them when they were just a couple of perch-snatchers. Susie: Oh, yes. I saw them near the bank this morning, but I didn’t realize what they were going to do. Phineas: I’ll go tell the Sheriff. He’ll throw out the fishnet. Susie: (wailing) Oh, don’t leave me! Stur-geon-na be trouble. Phineas: Don’t you fret, Susie, gal. Hide behind that clump of seagrass till I come back. (PHINEAS leaves, RIGHT. SUSIE also leaves, LEFT, apparently to hide. OLIVER enters RIGHT and LOUIE, LEFT.) Oliver: Well, we made our get-away all right. Louie: Yep, but I’m scared, boss. We’ve got to catch that little starfish before she talks. Oliver: Well, where is she? She came this way. Louie: ’Course I kinda hate to hurt her. Gosh, she’s purtier than Marlin Monroe! Oliver: Forget it! Don’t be a sucker for a pretty fish. Louie: Reckon you’re right. I’ll go look that-a-way. (leaves, LEFT.) Oliver: (Looks about, sees SUSIE hiding and drags her on stage from left.) Aho! So there you are. Come on out. Susie: I was right! It WAS you and Louie. Oliver: Yes, but you’ll never tell. Susie: Unhand me, you cod! Somebody else already knows! Oliver: Who? Susie: I won’t tell! Oliver: Talk, you little sprat! Susie: I won’t! I won’t! Oliver: So you’re gonna clam up? Wait’ll I get Louie! (OLIVER leaves, and SUSIE is alone.) Susie: (wailing) Land o’Ocean, what shall I do? (PHINEAS enters, RIGHT.) Phineas: I’ll save you, Susie gal! Go hide again, quick! (SUSIE disappears quickly and LOUIE enters from the LEFT.) Louie: Hey, Boss, where is she? (sees PHINEAS.) Out o’ my way, Buster. Phineas: I’ll fix you, you lobster mobster! (PHINEAS rushes at LOUIE, butts him from underneath with his head and mouth and LOUIE gives a bounce in the air and collapses over the front of the stage, hanging limply. PHINEAS leaves.) Phineas: (offstage) And you! I’ll smush you, you octopus, you! (OLIVER flies in after some loud offstage noises, bounces up in the air and collapses next to LOUIE over the front of the stage.) Clem! Sheriff! Drag these sidewinders out of here! (OLIVER and LOUIE go off limply, as if being dragged. PHINEAS enters, RIGHT.) Susie: (offstage) Can I come out now? Phineas: Come on. It’s all over. They’ve vamoosed to the calaboose. Susie: (enters LEFT) My hero! You’re a dol-Phin-eas! Phineas: Shucks, ’Twarn’t nuthin’. Susie: But however did you do it? They’re so strong and powerful! Phineas: For years I used to be just another poor fish. But then I started eating a better breakfast every day, and now I win all my fights. Susie: My goodness! But tell me, what do you eat for breakfast? Phineas: Why SEAWEEDIES, Gal, SEAWEEDIES!! Susie: My CHAMPION! (They kiss.) Curtain |
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