JOHN BROWN’S LETTERS.

Dear Sir,—We are specialists in pedigrees, family crests, and armorial bearings. Since the raising of the New Armies we have furnished no fewer than 25,385 officers with Family Trees and correct Escutcheons. We have innumerable requests daily for similar services.

The success of our scheme has been most gratifying. Hundreds of our clients have secured Staff Appointments and married society ladies through our labours.

We have now decided to open our field to include all Military Cadets, and would draw your attention to the importance of your name (Brown) and its ancestral greatness.

Our work is divided into various periods. For example, a Family Tree dating to the Norman Period costs £5, 5s. 0d.; the Tudor Period, £4, 4s. 0d.; Stewart Period, £3, 3s. 0d.; and the Lloyd George Period, 2s. 6d.

We have discovered that your ancestor, Harold de Vere Browne, landed at Hastings as an Esquire to the Duc de Polonski, a warrior in the service of William the Conqueror.

We shall be pleased to complete your genealogical tree.

Terms, Cash.

Yours respectfully,

Dodgem & Dodgem,

Pedigree Merchants.

Dear Sir,—May we draw your attention to the use of our Bureau as a means of meeting desirable and highly recommended ladies with a view to matrimony? In the past year we have successfully negotiated over three hundred happy unions between officers and our clients. At present we have the following on our lists:

(1) Society Lady, young, beautiful, no means, but willing to meet a gentleman with £10,000 a year.

(2) Widow, middle class, age 40, income £150, desires to meet quiet, respectable young man.

(3) Actress, charming and beautiful, desires to wed wealthy man who does not object to visitors.

(4) Barmaid, 25, good-looking, capital £50, wishes to marry Sergeant-Major (Life Guards preferred).

(5) Cook, plain but honest, capital £25, would like to meet widower, not necessarily a teetotaler.

These are just a few of our clients. Should you be interested, we shall be pleased to arrange an interview, or to send photos prior to the meeting.

Interview, £1.Successful Contract, £10.

Terms—Spot Cash.

Yours truly,

Lensky & Trotin,

Matrimonial Agency, Ltd.

Dear Sir,—We beg to enclose our catalogue, patterns, and book of letters from satisfied clients. We have supplied uniforms to Raisuli, Li Hung Chang, and King Dinizulu.

Our stock is the finest in town. Cut excellent, and finish superb. We are the people.

Owing to officers’ accounts being ‘overdrawn,’ our terms are CASH WITH ORDER.—

Yours truly,

Do-All & Do-Em,

Military Tailors.

Villa Petite,

Washout-on-Sea.

Dear Sir,—My sister and I are two well-known society ladies, anxious to help our country. Since 1914 we have made it our duty to look after canaries and pet-birds belonging to Officers of the Old Army. The high cost of feeding-stuffs has, however, compelled us to appeal for subscriptions in this great work.

We have, therefore, decided to make our aim one million sixpences.

Your sixpence will be gratefully accepted.—
Yours sincerely,

Maude Slippem.

P.S.—Please send stamped addressed envelope for your receipt.

Recruiting Office,

Slowtown, Lancs.

John Brown,—You are hereby instructed to report for Army Service on May 24th. As this is the seventh notice sent you, your failure to comply will entail a warrant for your arrest.

John Muddle-Men, Lieut.,

Recruiting Officer.

Rustic Manor,

Berks.

My Dearest Boy,—I have been worrying a lot about you since the rainy weather started. I hope your boots are not letting in, and that you have not got a cold. I wired Harrods to-day to send you a Chest-Warmer, felt soles, and a box of Gregory Powder.

I am glad to hear that you have got a clergyman in your hut, and that you go with him so often to Communion. And I am sure you will not waste your leisure hours with those brainless girls who are always luring young men into wicked paths.

The rector called to-day, and I asked him what books I should send you. He suggested Good Words, Life of David Livingstone, and the Parish Magazine. I have sent them off.

I was quite shocked to hear you had a Radical in your hut. I didn’t know Radicals got commissions. There must be corruption somewhere, and I am going to write to The Times.

When do you expect to get a Brigade?

I think that is all just now. Oh, I forgot. Take a spoonful of the Gregory’s every morning before breakfast. Your dear father did that for twenty years.

Lots of love to you, my own dear boy, from

Your Loving Mother.

Sweetville.

My Dearest Johnnie,—Why have you stayed away so long? Is it because I had to entertain my two Australian friends? Surely that is unreasonable. Now, I am not so jealous as you are. For example, Marjory Clarke and her sister Hilda have told me of the interesting afternoon you all had together in the picture-house. I was so pleased to hear you were in such good company. But, a week later, I was so sorry to learn that you and Beefy had been silly again, sporting about with two low-class girls in the local hotel. You are such a puzzle. Yet I can’t help liking you. Do come over on Saturday! There’s a good boy!—Your loving

Adela.