Scene 1.]

Enter Accutus and Graccus.

Acut. Nay quicke, Graccus, least our houre forestall us, ile in and deale for your disguise; tarry thou & give mine host a share of our intent; marry, charge him to keep it as secret as his Garbage. He undoes our drift [else] and cloathes the foole in sackcloath during his life.

Gra. Ile warrant thee ile manage it with as good judgement as a Constable his charge.

Acut. And I mine as a watchman his office.

Gra. Better, I hope; well about it.

[Exit [Acutus].

Enter[293] Host. Prentices pass over the stage.

Host. There, there my little lackey boyes, give the word as ye passe, look about to my guests there; score up at the Bar there; again, agen, my fine Mercuries; if youle live in the facultie, be rulde by instructions, you must be eyed like a Serjeant, an eare like a Belfounder, your conscience a Schoolemaister, a knee like a Courtier, a foote[294] like a Lackey, and a tongue like a Lawyere. Away, away, my brave bullies! welcome, sweete Signior, I cannot bow to thy knee, I'me as stout & as stiff as a new made knight, but if I say the word, mine Host bids the Cobler—

Gra. May I crave a word of you, mine Host?

Host. Thou shalt whisper in mine eare, I will see and say little; what I say duns[295] the mouse and welcom, my bullies.

Enter Scillicet and Getica.

Scil. By the torrid zone (sweet heart) I have thought well of you ever since I loved ye, as a man wold say, like a young dancer, out of all measure; if it please you yfaith anything I have promised you ile performe it to a haire, ere to morrow night.

Get. I wounder [sic] I can heare no newes of my man and my puppie.

Scil. Doe you thinke, sweet heart, to be maried by day light or by torch-light?

Get. By night is more Lady-like. Ile have a cryer to cry my puppie sure.

Scil. What thinke ye if we had an offering?

Get. That were most base yfaith.

Scil. Base, slid, I cannot tel if it were as base as a sagbut, ile be sworne tis as common as a whore, tis even as common to see a Bason at a Church doore, as a Box at a Playhouse.

Get. It greeves me not so much for my man as for my puppie; my man can shift for himself, but my poore puppie! truely I thinke I must take Phisicke even for feare, sweetheart.

Host. Tut, tut, ile warrant thee ile be as close as a bawd, ile keepe mine owne counsell, be merrie and close;[296] merrie hart lives long, let my guests take no wrong, & welcome, my bullie. [Exit.

Grac. There's none ment, beleeve it, sir.

Scil. Signor, by the welkin, well met, what all three so luckely?

Enter Servulus.

Ser. Gallants, saving the Ceremonie, Stroke your haire up and admire, forsweare sacke.

Scil. Foresweare Sacke! slid, not for the spending of two farmes more, if they were come into my hands once.

Ser. I say be astonisht and forsweare sacke, for by the combustion influence of sacke five men lye breathlesse ready to be folded in the terrestiall element.

Grac. Five slaine with Sacke! ist possible?

Ser. These eyes are testators.

Scil. Nay, then tis so.

Getica. Sir, you have not heard of a puppie in your travels?

Grac. No indeede, Gentlewoman.

Ser. Five, beleeve me, Sir.

Acu. Five of one, oh devil!
What limme of him but a complete Villaine!
A tongue prophaner then Idolatrie,
His eye a beacon fixed in his place
Discovering illes, but hood-winked unto grace;
His heart a nest of vice kept by the Devill,
His good is none at all, his all is evill.

Enter[297] Hostess.

Hostis. Oh, the father! Gallants, yonders the most hard favourd newes walkes the streetes, seaven men going to their graves, that dyed with drinking and bisseling.[298]

Acut. Good, still, nay then I see the devill has some power over a woman more then a man. Seaven! t'will be more anon.

Get. Now I beseech Bacchus my puppie has not overseene[299] himself.

Scil. This is verie strange.

Hostis. And as true a report, I assure you.

Enter City-Wife[300]

Cittie wife. Out alas, where's my Gosip? Oh woman! have you not heard the newes?

Hostis. Yes, I have heard on't.

Cittie wife. Oh, woman, did your child's child ever see the like? nine men to bee buried too day, that drunk healthes last night.

Acut. Better and better, goodnes never mends so fast in the carrying: nine!

Cittie wife. They say one is your guest, Philautus.

Acut. And all, I dare sweare, whome ile revive againe.

Cittie wife. Well he was a propper man, yfaith.

Hostis. I, and had good skill in prick-song, yet he had a fault in his humor, as none are without (but Puritans,); he would swear like an Elephant, and stamp and stare, (God blesse us,) like a play-house book-keeper when the actors misse their entrance.

Scil. Nay, harke ye, sir, I can brooke much injurie but not that; meddle with me but not with my trade; shee is mine owne, shee's meus, tuus, suus, no man's else, I assure ye, we are sure[301] together.

Grac. Sure ye are together, sir, but is your wife your trade? You meane to live upon your wife then.

Acut. The foole has some wit,[302] though his money bee gone.

Grac. Sir, I hope ye are not offended, I assure ye I would be loath to offend the least haire of your caput, sissiput, or occiput.

Scil. Occiput? what meane you by occiput?

Grac. The former part of your head.

Scil. The former part of your head! why I hope I have not an occiput, in the former part of my head. Signior Servulus, what meanes he by it?

Serv. The signification of the word only amounts to this, the former part of your head.

Accut. The foole is jealious, prethee feede it.

Scil. S'lid, I cannot be so sussified; I pray you, Segnior, what meanes he by occiput?

Grac. No hurt, verily, onely the word signifies, and the reason is, saith Varro, being a great deriver from originals, it is called occiput for that the former part of the head looks likest the Oxe.

Scil. Likest the Oxe, by gad, if ere I come to talke with that Varro, ile make him show a better reason for it.

Grac. But, howsoever, it proceeded from me all in kindenes.

Scil. Sir, I accept it so, for I tell ye I am of a mollifying nature. I can strut and againe in kindnesse I can suffer a man to breake my head, and put it up without anger.

Accut. I claime that priviledge, sir, I thinke I offended you once that way.

Scil. I love ye then for it sir, yet I cannot remember that ever a Tapster broke my head, yet I call to minde I have broke many Tapsters heads.

Accut. Not as a Tapster, for I but borrow this habyt.

Scil. The fruit is knowne by the tree, by gad, I knewe by your aporn[303] ye were a gentlemen, but speciallye by your flat[304] cap.

Serv. I call to memorie, let us unite with kinde imbrace.

Cittie wife. Now well fare your harts; by my truth, tis joy to a woman to see men kinde; faith you courtiers are mad fellowes, you care not in your humors to stab man or woman that standes in your way, but in the end your kindenes appeares.

Hostis. You can resolve us, sir; we heare of great revels to be at Court shortly.

Grac. The marriage of Lentulus and the Orator: verie true.

Hostis. Might not a company of Wives be beholding to thee for places, that would be there without their husbands knowledge, if neede were?

Grac. A moitie of friendship that, ile place ye where ye shall sit and see all.

Cittie wife. Sit? nay, if there were but good standinges, we care not.

Acu. S'foot, Graccus, we tarrie too long, I feare; the houre wil overtake us, tarrie thou and invite the Guests, and Ile goe see his course mounted.

Grac. About it.

[Exit[305] Acutus.

Hostis. Whether goes that gentleman?

Grac. About a needeful trouble; this gentleman
Hath, at the charges of his charitie,
Preparde to inter a friend of his,
Though lately entertaind a friend of yours,
Acquaintance to you all, Philautus; and would desire
You would with him accompany his ghost
To funerall, which will be presently on his journey.

Cittie wife. Of his charge? dyed he not able to purchase a Winding sheete?

Grac. Twere sinne to wrong the dead; you shall heare the inventorie of his pocket.

Imprimis, brush and a Combe o o v.d.
Item, a looking Glasse o o i.d.ob.
Item, A case of Tobacco Pipes o o iiij.d.
Item, Tobacco, halfe an ounz o o vj.d.
Item, in money and golde o o iij.d.
Summa totalis. xix d. halfe penny.

Hostis. What was his suite worth?

Grac. His sute was colde, because not his owne, and the owner caused it to be restored as part of recompence, having lost the principall.

Re-enter[306] Acutus.

Acut. What, are they readie? the Corse is on his journey hetherwards.

Grac. Tush, two womens tungs give as loud report as a campe royall of double cannons.

Enter Host, Cornutus.

Host. Tut, tut, thou art welcom; Cornutus is my neighbour, I love him as my self. Tha'st a shrowe to thy wife, gave her tongue to [sic] much string, but let mine Host give thee counsell, heele teach thee a remedie.

Cornu. No, no, my good Host; mum, mum, no words against my wife; shee's mine owne, one flesh, & one blood. I shall feele her hurt, her tongue is her owne, so are her hands; mum, mum, no words against your wife.

Host. Tut, tut, thou art a foole, keepe her close from the poticarie, let her taste of no licoras, twill make her long winded; no plums, nor no parseneps, no peares, nor no Popperins, sheele dreame in her sleep then; let her live vpon Hasels, give her nuts for her dyet, while a toothe's in her head, give her cheese for disgestion,[307] twil make her short winded; if that will not serve, set fire to the pan and blow her up with Gun-powder.

Cittie wife. I, I, mine Host, you are well imployed to give a man counsell against his wife; they are apt enough to ill I warrant ye.

Cornu. Mum, mum, my sweet wife, I know the world wel enough; I have an eare but I heare not, an eye but I see not, what's spoke against thee I regard not; mum, mum, I knowe the world well enough.

Cittie wife. I, and twere more seemely you were at your owne house too; your wife cannot goe abroad, but you must follow; husbands must bee fringed to their wives Petticoates. I pray you tarrie you, ile goe home.

Cor. Not so, my sweet wife, I am gone, I am vanisht; mum, mum, no anger shall stirre thee; no words, I know the world well inough.

Hostis. Twere better, by thrice deuce-ace, in a weeke every woman could awe her husband so well as she.

Gracc. Ist possible? s'foot, well I thought it had bene but a fable al this while that Iole shold make great Hercules spit on his thombes and spin, but now I see if a man were as great as Caesar, Julius or Augustus, or both in one, a woman may take him downe.

Hostis. Gossip, faith ile use a little of your counsel, but my husband is so fat, I feare I shall never bring him to it.

Grac. Now, gentles, you that can, prepare a few teares to shed, for now enters a sad sceane of sorrowe.

Enter Fryer and Course.

Fryer. Man is flesh and flesh is fraile,
The strongest man at length must faile;
Man is flesh and flesh is grasse;
Consuming time, as in a glasse,
Now is up and now is downe
And is not purchast by a Crowne;
Now seede, and now we are sowen,
Now we wither, now are mowen;
Frater noster heere doth lye,
In paupertate he did die,
And now is gone his viam longam
That leades unto his requiem aeternam;
But dying needie, poore and bare,
Wanting to discharge the Fryer,
Unto his grave hee's like to passe
Having neither Dirge nor Masse:
So set forward, let him goe,
Et benedicamus Domino.

Phy. And then to Apollo hollo, trees, hollo.—Tapster a few more cloathes to my feete.

Omnes. Oh heavens!

Acut. Gentles, keep your places, feare nothing; in the name of God, what art thou?

Phy. My Hearse and winding-sheete! what meanes this? why, Gentles, I am a living man.

Acut. Spirit, thou ly'st; thou deludest us.

Citty wife. Conjure him, Fryer.

Fryer. In nomine Domini I thee charge, Responde mihi, heere at large, Cujum pecus, whence thou art, Et quamobrem thou makest us start In spiritus of the gloomy night? Qui Venis huc us to affright, Per trinitatem I there charge thee, Quid tu vis hic to tell to me.

Phy. Why, Gentles, I am a living man, Philautus.[308] What instance shall I give ye? heare me I have sight, understanding, I know mine hostes, I see that Gentlewoman, I can feele.

Scil. Feele this Gentlewoman! s'lid if yee were ten Ghosts, ile not indure it.

Acut. Spirit, thou deludest us.

Phy. Why what should I say? will ye heare my voice, heeres not but—

Scil. Nay, that's a lye, then tis a living spirit, ile have a bout with him.

Accut. Oh sir, meddle not with shadowes. Spirit, thou lyest;
I saw thee dead, [and] so did many moe.[309]
We know ye wandring dwellers in the dark
Have power to shape you like mortallitie
To beguile the simple & deceve their soules.
Thou art a Devill.

Phy. Sweet Gent, beholde I am flesh and blood; heeres my flesh, feele it.

Cittie wife. By my troth, methinkes hee should be alive. I could finde in my heart to feele his flesh.

Grac. Trie with your Rapier, Accutus; if he bleede he lives.

Phy. If I bleede I die; sweet Gentlemen, draw no blood.

Accu. How shall wee knowe thou art flesh and blood then?

Grac. Take heede, Accutus, heele blast thee.

Phy. What instance shall I give ye? I am Phylautus,[310] he that must needes confesse, he was drunk in your companies last day; sweet Gentlemen, conceive me aright.

Accut. Why true, true, that we know and[311] those swilling bowels.
Death did arrest thee, many saw thee deade,
Else needles were these rites of funeralls.
And since that time, till now, no breath was knowne
Flye from you; and twentie times the houre-glasse
Hath turned his upside downe; and twenty times,
The nimble current sand hath left his upper roome.
To ly beneath, since sparke of life appeard;
In all which time my care imploide it self
To give the[e] rights of buriall: now, if you live,
Who so glad as I?

Phy. Sir, your love has showne it selfe aboundant, but the cold aire is a meanes to devorce me from your companies: mine host, let me crave passage to my chamber.

Host. Out of my dores, knave; thou enterest not my dores, I have no chalke in my house, my posts shall not be garded with a little sing song, Si nihil attuleris, ibis, Homere, foras.

_Accut. Ha! how now man? see'st now any errors?
Nay, this is nothing; he hath but showne
A patterne of himself, what thou shalt finde
In others; search through the Globe of earth,
If there mongst twentie two thou doost find
Honester then himself ile be buried straight.
Now thinke what shame tis to be vilde,
And how vilde to be drunk: look round! where?
Nay looke up, beholde yon Christall pallace.
There sits an ubiquitarie Judge
From whom arcana nulla abscondita,
That see's all and at pleasure punisheth;
Thou canst not scape scot free, how cans't thou?
Why, sencelesse man in that sinne will betray
His father, brother, nay, himselfe;[312] feares not
To commit the worst of evils, secure if
Thunder-boults should drop from heaven, dreading
Nor heaven, nor hell; indeede his best state
Is worse then least, prised at highest rate.

Ser. This critique is hoarsh [sic], unsaverie, and reproofeful; avoyd him.

Scil. Hee speakes well, but I like not his dispraysing of drunkennes; tis Phisicke to me and it makes me to sleep like a horse with my nose in the manger. Come, sweet heart.

Hostis. Signior, Philautus, I pray ye a word. [Exit.

Acut. How now, whispering? s'foot if they should give our purpose another crosse point, where are we then? note, note.

Hostis. Heere take the key, convey yourself into the Chamber, but in any case take heede my husband see you not.

Phy. Feare not, Gentles, be thanks the guerden of your love till time give better abilitie. [Exit.

Acut. Ha! nay s'foot, I must claw out another device, we must not part so, Graccus; prethee keepe the sceane, til I fetch more actors to fill it fuller.

Gra. But prethee, let me partake.

Acut. Not till I returne, pardon me. [Exit.

Hostis. By my troth Gossip, I am halfe sick of a conceit.

Citty wife. What, woman? passion of my heart, tell me your greefs.

Hostis. I shall goe to court now, and attired like an old Darie woman, a Ruffe holland of eight groates, three inches deep of the olde cut, and a hat as far out of fashion as a close placket.

Cittie wife. Why I hope your husband is able to maintain you better, are there not nights as well as daies? does he not sleepe sometimes? has he no pockets about him, cannot you search his breeches? anything you find in his breeches is your owne.

Hostis. But may a woman doe that with safety?

Cittie wife. I, and more, why should she not? why what is his is yours, what's yours your owne.

Hostis. The best hope I have is; you knowe my Guest Mistris Gettica, she has pawnd her Jewels to me already, and this night I look for her Hood and her tyer, or if the worst chance, I know I can intreate her to weare my cloathes, and let me goe in her attire to Court.

Cittie wife. Or if all faile, you may hire a good suit at a Jewes, or at a broakers; tis a common thing and speacially among the common sort.

Enter Host and Constable.

Host. To search through my house! I have no Varlets, no knaves, no stewd prunes, no she fierie phagies [faces?]; my Chambers are swept, my sinkes are all scowred, the honest shall come in, the knaves shall goe by; yet will I, maister Constable, goe search through my house, I care not a sheepes skin.

Const. We are compeld to doe it, mine host; a Gentleman is robd last night, & we are to search every privy corner.

Host. Mine host is true Mettall, a man of reputation, a true Holefernes, he loves juice of grapes, and welcom, maister Constable. [Exit.

Acut. Graccus, how likst thou this?

Grac. Excellent, for now must he needes fall into Constables hands, and if he have any grace, twil appear in his face, when he shall be carried through the streete in a white sheet; twill be a good penance for his fault.

Hostis. Now fortune favour that my husband find him not.

Cittie wife. Heele be horne mad & never able to indure it: why, woman, if he had but as much man in him as a Maribone, heele take the burthen uppon his own necke and never discover you.

Hostis. Alas, heere they come, lets away, Gossip. [Exeunt.

Phy. Fortune,[313] my foe, why doost, &c.

Acut. Oh fye, thats bitter prethe goe comfort him.

Grac. Faith he should be innocent by his garment; Signior, I grieve for this, but if I can help, looke for it.

Phy. I thanke ye, sir.

Const. We must contaminate our office, pray regard us as little as ye can. [Exit.

Accut. Me thinkes this shold put him quite out of tune now, so let him goe now to mine Host; theres he and hee, and hee,

Theres shee, and she, ile have a bout with all:
And critiques honneys sweetest mixt with gal.

[Exeunt.

[Scene 2.]

Enter Host, Cornutus.

Host. Goe to, there's knaves in my house! I know of no Varlets, I have an eye has his sence, a brain that can reach, I have bene cald Polititian, my wife is my wife. I am her top, i'me her head: if mine Host say the word, the Mouse[314] shall be dun.

Corn. Not so my sweet Host, mum, mum, no words against your wife; he that meanes to live quiet, to sleep in cleane sheetes, a Pillowe under his head, his dyet drest cleanely, mum, mum, no words against his wife.

Host. Thar't a foole, thar't a foole, bee rulde by mine host, shew thy self a brave man, of the true seede of Troy, a gallant Agamemnon; tha'st a shrew to thy wife, if shee crosse thy brave humors, kicke thy heele at her huckle[315] bone.

Enter Accutus.

Acut. Gentles, most happily encountered, how good hap hath turnd two labours into one! I was addrest to both, and at once I have met both, sure I must intreate that you must not deny.

Host. Say on, my sweete bullie, mine Host will attend thee; speake roundly to the purpose, and welcome, my bullie.

Accut. Marrie thus, there are[316] great revels & shews preparde to beautifie the nuptials of Lentulus, and Tully, in which the Cittizens have the least share; now, would but you and some others that I shall collect,

Joyne hands with me in some queint jest,
Our shew shall deserve grace, and brave the rest.

Host, I have thee, brave spirit, tha'rt of the true seede of Troy, lets be merrie and wise, merrie hearts live long; mine Host, my brave Host, with his neighbor Cornutus shall bee two of the Maskers, and the Morrice shall be daunc'd.

Cor. Not so, mine Host. I dare not doe so, t'will distemper my wife, my house will be unquiet; mum, mum, I know the world, well enough.

Host. Thou shall goe, saies mine Host, merrie hearts live long; welcome, bullie! mine Host shall make one, so shall my Cornutus, for if I say the word the mouse shall be dun.

Enter Bos with Porters.

Porters. Save ye mine Host, heeres a parcell of Corne was directed to be delivered at your house.

Host. What ware, my little Atlas, what ware is it?

2 Por. I know not, but i'me sure tis as heavie as a horse and—

1 Por. I thinke, tis a barrel of oyle, for it spurg'd at my backe.

Bos. It was oyle, for I drew the Tap.

Grac. What, Bos, what mak'st thou heere?

Acc. Oh, chara[317] deum soboles, magnum bovis incrementum. Bos, art there, there?

Bos. As sure as you are there, Signior.

Grac. Bos, will ye not forsake your Cabbin?

Bos. Oh sir, he that has not a tilde house must bee glad of a thatch house. May I crave a suite of you, signior?

Grac. What suit, Bos?

Bos. What you please, beggars must not chuse.

Accut. Bos is growne misticall, hee's too dark.

Bos. I speake Hebrew indeede, like Adam and Eve, before they fel to spinning; not a rag.

Grac. What, naked, Bos?

Bos. As ye see, will ye heare my suite, signior?

Gra. Drunk, & his cloathes stoln, what theef would do it?

Bos. Any theefe, sir, but no true[318] man.

Gra. Wel, Bos, to obtaine a suit at my handes, and to doe some pennance for your fault, you shall heere maintaine an argument in the defence of drunkennes. Mine Host shall heere it, ile be your opponent, Acutus moderator: wilt thou doe it?

Host. A mad merrie grig;[319] all good spirits; wilt thou doe it, Bos?

Bos. Ile doo't.

Grac. Seate yee, heres my place; now, Bos, propound.

Bos. Drunkenness is a vertue.

Gra. Your proofe.

Bos. Good drink is full of vertue, Now full of good drink is drunke; Ergo, to be drunke is to be vertuous.

Grac. I deny it: good drinke is full of vice, Drinke takes away the sences, Man that is sencelesse is vitious; Ergo, good drinke is full of vice.

Bos. I deny it still: good drinke makes good bloud, Good blood needes no Barber, Ergo, tis good to drinke good drinke.

Accu. Hee holdes ye hard, Graccus.

Bos. Heeres stronger proofe: drunkennes ingenders with two of the morrall vertues, and sixe of the lyberall sciences.

Gra. Let him proove that and Ile yeeld.

Host. A mad spirit, yfaith.

Bos. A drunkard is valiant and lyberall; heele outface Mars, brave Hercules, and feares not the Devill; then for the most part hee's liberal, for heele give all the cloathes off his back, though hee weepe like a Widowe all the day following; nay for the sciences, hee's a good phisitian, hee vomits himself rarelie and will giue any man else a vomit, that lookes on him (if he have not a verie good stomacke); perfect in Geomitrie, for he hangs in the aire by his own conceite, and feeles no ground; and hee's all musicall, the world turns round with him, everie face in the painted cloath, shewes like a Fairie dauncing about him, and everie spar in the house a minstrell.

Grac. Good: forward.

Bos. Then hee's a good Lawyer, for hees never without a fierie facies, & the least Capias will take his habeas Corpus: besides, another point of a Lawyere, heele raile and rave against his dearest friends and make the world think they are enemies, when the next day theile laugh, bee fat and drunk together: and a rare Astronomer, for he has starres twinckling in his eyes in the darkest night when a wise man discernes none in the firmament, and will take great paines in the practise, for lay him on his backe in the open fields over night, and you shal be sure to finde him there in the morning. Have I sed well or shall I give you a stronger proofe? An honest man will be as good as his word: Signior Graccus is an honest man, Ergo, I must have a new suite.

Accu. The moderator concludes so, Graccus is overthrown so far as the damage of the suite, so away with him; come, our fire will out strip us; mine Host and you wee expect your companies; we must crave absence awhile better to furnishe our purposes: the time of day to ye.

Host. Farwel, my good bullies, mine Host has sed and the mouse is dun.

[Exeunt.