The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.

He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.

He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the 177 cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.

Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.

He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.

He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.

Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.

During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.

When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.

Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost—a heaven upon earth.

But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.

He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.

He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.

He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.

I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.

I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton 178 sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.

I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.

Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.

I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.

I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.

Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.

I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.

Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.

Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.

If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.