The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.

They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.

It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs—if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.

The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.

They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.

The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.

Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.

They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.

The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.

The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden”—and i believe it—but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.

But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.

Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.

I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot—i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.

Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.

Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.

Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.

If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t feel any kind ov a bite.

If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs couldn’t bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.