The wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience—edukashun don’t improve it.

If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats—it iz jiss so with mankind.

Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber—men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.

The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.

The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized—one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.

It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth—it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.

It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant—it iz jist so with virtew.

Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog—the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.

The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock—hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.

Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.

Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.

Fools are telling us (confidensally) “that time is short,” but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.

Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.

The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.

Time iz like a fair wind—if we don’t set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.

We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?

Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass?

Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.

“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” and Pattent Wright iz the father.

It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t dead broke.

Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain’t always a safe investment.

Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.

The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.

Chastity iz like glassware—too much frost in it makes it more brittle.

Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.

Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!—freedom 228 to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.

The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.