Dear Alice.—I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.

I dont kno “Yankee doodle” from “Now I lay me on the grass,” or “Mary had an infant sheep.”

I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.

I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.

I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.

I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother’s catch, or simple lulaby.

But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.

I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.

Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don’t kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.

Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.

I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.

It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.

Pensive Rebekker.—I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.

I am only sorry on the other phellow’s ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.

It don’t hurt my pheelings tew be called a “pokey dunce.”

I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a “strapping monster.”

Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.

Artless Jane.—In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.

Theze things are all regulated by the law ov supply and demand.

If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.

I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.

Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.

But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.

Pretty Ruth.—Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.

This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.

Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.

If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.

Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.

We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.

The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.

The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.

Gay Betsey.—Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.

It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.

They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.

The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.

If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.

Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.

A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.