Josh Billings

Customs are like grease—they make ennything slip eazy.

Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted—a blush iz one ov them.

Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.

If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.

Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.

The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.

The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.

Natur makes all the noblemen—wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.

302

When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it—if i dont, I ought to.

REMNANTS.

If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong.

Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno.

I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a perfekly bad man.

I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other folks, who are good simply for the reputashun ov it, who haven’t got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz.

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not—if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.

Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way.

One grate reazon whi “Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew travel,” iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself.

Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist bekauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare.

Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience.

To be a gentleman,—git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy.

Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze.

The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals.

After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth.

Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift.

I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching.

Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse.

Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub.

Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less.

The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know “whats going on!” and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job.

Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury.

Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience.

Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick—i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon.