Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills.—I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man’s soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell.

The pure don’t grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.

Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don’t serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze.

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what’s the matter ov them.

We are told “that an honest man is the noblest work ov God”—but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author’s hands.

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare.

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn’t much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole—but other folks kan.

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

God save the phools! and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn’t get a livin.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.