Qu.—How fast will the “come-ing man” probably travel?

Ans.—It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he’d better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.

Qu.—What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?

Ans.—In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin.

Qu.—What iz the most karniverous animal?

Ans.—Death.

Qu.—What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?

Ans.—A good joke.

Qu.—Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?

Ans.—Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.

Qu.—Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?

Ans.—Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.

Qu.—Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last?

Ans.—I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word.

Qu.—Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?

Ans.—The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.

Qu.—Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word Damn as a tonick?

Ans.—It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn’t worth a dam.

Qu.—What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country?

Ans.—The customs.

Qu.—Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see?

Ans.—I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.

Qu.—Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?

Ans.—The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun.

Qu.—If yu waz blest! with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would yu dedikate him to?

Ans.—The shumakers.

Qu.—Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?

Ans.—Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.

Qu.—Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man’s life?

Ans.—Immediately after he haz did a square thing.

Qu.—Is whiskee a tonick?

Ans.—No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits.

Qu.—Iz revenge a viktory?

Ans.—Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker.

Qu.—Don’t you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients?

Ans.—I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented.

Qu.—What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?

Ans.—When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes 424 up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder.

Qu.—If i couldn’t hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?

Ans.—Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.

Qu.—Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian?

Ans.—Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don’t think the Lord ever takes the length of a man’s face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.

Qu.—What iz the best cure for love?

Ans.—Tew liv on it.

Qu.—What iz the best cure for pride?

Ans.—A fall on the ice before folks.

Qu.—What iz a sik old bachelor like?

Ans.—A cocoon.

Qu.—What iz an excuse?

Ans.—The finesse ov reason.

Qu.—What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?

Ans.—At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in.

Qu.—Where do the vain go tew when they die?

Ans.—A barber’s shop.