Josh Billings

Here we have a batch of immaculate truths from the “Owl Club.”

After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each “Owl,” as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual.

“I never can hear of a man’s gitting his head broke,” said the President, “but I call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago.

“A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a potash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes.

“This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skillful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the strength of this accident.”

“A very good story, and undoubtedly true,” said the Vice-President “Owl,” “but I don’t think it quite so miraculous as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely through.

“His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hurricane.

“As she was passing Natches, on a down trip, she blew up, and filled the air with every kind of fragments.

“Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and 466 there being a strong wind at the time, he was carried over onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store.

“After passing down through three stories of the building, he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the concern, who demanded five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building.

“‘I can’t pay so much money,’ said Joe, ‘but i will give you two hundred and fifty, and I have often settled for this price before.’”

“Bully for Joe French,” said one of the “Owls.” “But let me tell you a little story about an attorney by the name of Gersh’ Buckley, who practiced law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago.

“Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney with taking less than the customary fees.

“Gersh plead quietly to the charge. ‘But, gentlemen,’ said he, ‘I done all in my power to sustain the honor of the profession, I took all the money the man had.’”

At this point, one of the “Owls,” more noted for his gravity than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follows:

“Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having 467 taken passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Birch.

“Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were quickly side by side in a close-contested race.

“Suddenly word was passed along the boat, ‘Man overboard!’

“The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his passage.

“‘Yes!’ shouted the clerk.

“‘Then go ahead on her, engineer!’ was the captain’s order.”

“Owl” number five plumed his feathers and opened his short but silvery-toned beak, as follows:

“Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretcher near the judges’ stand many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery.

“A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously affect the fairness of the bets.”

“I don’t believe that story,” said “Owl” Number Six: “but here is one which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to be true:

“An old gentleman—who, by the way, was almost entirely deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claiming certain damages. The case was one which the justice thought ought not to go to a jury, but should be settled between the parties. He therefore instructed the attorney to ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit. The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man’s ear, said, in a loud tone:

“‘The court wants to know what you will take.’

“Turning his eye blandly toward the judge’s bench, the old gentleman replied:

“‘Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle Santy Cruise rum without sugar.’”

“Owl” Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got off the following:

“Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents coming upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent:

“‘Old man, don’t let him git the start of you—call him a thief and a liar first.’”

“That puts me in mind,” said the next “Owl,” of a story, not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we have just listened to.

“Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed gardening for a living, had been to the neighboring town to do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with him, both ov them got unco tight.

“On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed untill the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to the rising tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her lips. ‘Not another drop, hot, nor cold; not another drop, will I take.’”