It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the Louse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.

Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience 184 gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.

Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.

Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.

I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.

All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.

Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.

But all this iz remote from the louse.

The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.

Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.

I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.

Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were 185 a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.

But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.

The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.

They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.

When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.

After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.

Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply dispize snaiks, fear musketoze, avoid fleas, don’t associate with the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet.

Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse—and, 186 in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.