Josh Billings

The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.

194

They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.

MORE SNAIKS.

On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.

Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.

I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.

I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.

I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.

The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.

I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.

The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.

THE HOOP SNAIK.

This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail 195 in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.

Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.

Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.

I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.

The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.

THE ANAKONDY.

The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.

They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.

The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.

Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.

THE GARTER SNAIX.

The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.

This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.

I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous 196 individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.

I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.

I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.

But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith—a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.

Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.

They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.

THE EEL SNAIK.

The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.

They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.

They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.

I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.

Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.

I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.

THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.

The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.

Thare ain’t but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.

The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards.

He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show.

This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.

He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.

He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support.

He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts.

He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.

The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerikan Snaix, and don’t hav tew leave home.

THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.

This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.

They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt’s notiss.

They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.

I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.

I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.

Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.

I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.