I am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers.

The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the “oldest inhabitant” may help himself if he can.

The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for 398 years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun.

I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.

Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.

Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called “recruiting.”

They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more braceing than the sea-airing.

Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less.

Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short nozes turned up.

The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray—they will kontinue on to do so.

The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.

The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per day.

The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn’t postponed living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style.

I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring their best clothes with them.

Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.

I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it.

I didn’t bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny money.

I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages.

Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo.

The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, cluss bi Long Branch.

He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot.

The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.

The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns.

If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.

I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it.

Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.

Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it.

It will then be forever too late.

I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find 400 a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.

I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they do know how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country.