After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous 387 jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario.

I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money.

For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife’s arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn’t see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor.

The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty.

The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made.

I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet.

I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn’t hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so.

I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn’t wonder if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it.

Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy.

Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, 388 that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling.

The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls.

This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below.

Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over.

I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over.

We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride.

My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh.

When we had seen her magisty’s soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted.

We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them.

I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, “suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better.”

Thare iz one thing that Niagara don’t lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz professional guides.

Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong points ov the place.

One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with 389 pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful.

During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies.

He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immortal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore-fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it.

But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan’t so green.

He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady’s head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing “A life on the ocean wave” on a base vial.

After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him.

He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he thought we possibly might be twins.

I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a ded beat.

Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents.

Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on 390 the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water’s edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs.

It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are familiar with the step.

I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacrilegisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a paltry piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dollars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal.

In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it.