Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.

Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.

The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.

Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore—enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.

It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.

Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends—it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.

Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.

Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.

The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.

The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.

We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree—both ov them are God’s arkitekture.

How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.

Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.

Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.

Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.

The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrastination, and he is still at large.

Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.

White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.

The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.

The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias—this shows the power of truth and morality.

If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him—not so with a man.

One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.

If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.

Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into 291 every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.

A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.

I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.

The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.

I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.

A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.

I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.

Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.

I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve.

Repentanse should be the effekt ov love—not fear.

The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.

Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.

Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain’t so amungst men.

A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.

The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.

A dandy never yet fell in love—only with himself.

Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.

Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.

A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.

We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.