Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various Bends that hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.

The most butiful, az well az truest bilt Bend, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow.

For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.

Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick; and also south Bend, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.

(Later—He haz won.)

Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate republick is the political Bend.

This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.

It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time.

It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over forwards.

Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.

Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo Bend, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the devil.

In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.

This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git chronick.

This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows:—a household, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew.

In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.

This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain.

I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.

I don’t kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their 434 travelling; they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane.

How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity.

I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:

“Nix for stix!” and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.

I don’t know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny Bend in it.

Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.

What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the market!

I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.