5. When the lekturer’s room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera house.

6. Don’t leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once; he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.

7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don’t fail tew make a speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better.

8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don’t laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.

9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the 375 richest ov yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer.

10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don’t think so.

11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded who had preceded him, don’t forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town.

12. If the lekturer’s fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don’t hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters.

13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels.

14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.

15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreshiated aujiences, and he won’t fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain’t no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.

16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don’t forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people.

17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won’t pay expenses, don’t hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer’s fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so.

18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do tew begin with.

SUPPLEMENTARY.

Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don’t require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it.

Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent.

It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell.

It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest—even a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or goes into his hoel.

I don’t bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Febuary, either forced, or out ov their latitude.

Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don’t pleaze long.

Yu kan’t find contentment laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soonest who throw away their compass and go it blind.

The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, “know thyself.”