  JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE. The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on him az enny man ever owned:— QUESTIONS. 1st—Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so. 2d—Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time? 3d—What is yure precise fiteing weight? 4th—Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much? 5th—What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments! 6th—Du yu ever hav enny nite mares? 7th—Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor? 8th—Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it. 9th—What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully? 10th—Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles. REMARKS. Tha tell me that them who hav the harte diseaze are liable tu di at enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it. Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking into. It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat. Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled. Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more fragrant. Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just rite. Men liv tu a ripe old age bi keeping green. Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself. "Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got tew tap the barrell before it will prevale. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. "Amelia."—Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time. "Fred."—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by. "Whip."—Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a sekund, 10 feet oph. "Gertrude."—Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or otherwise. "Plutark."—Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a foot. "Sportsman."—Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in "Kate."—I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov; 'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest. A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS Ack Fust.—Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his arms, about 16 hands high—it makes the dorg puff—the dorg lays down the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion—Lap dorg diskovers a wicked flee at work on his tale—pursues him—round and round tha go—dorg a leettle ahead—sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!"—boarding skool girl faints standing—the curtin drops. Ack number 2.—Curtin highsts—sevral blind men in the distanse, looking thru a key whole—one Ack number 3.—Curtin rizes sloly—big bolona sarsage on a tabel—bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark—band plays "Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in—cat's tail begins tew swell bad—bolona sarsage and cat haz a fite—tha fite 14 rounds—the stage iz covered with cats and dorgs. Konlusion—tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the foot lights—an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300, 000 more"—band plays "Go in Lemons!"—a bell rings, and the curtin drops. Ack number 4.—A scene on the Eri kanall—a terribel storm rages—the kanall acks bad—sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their boarders on board—kant make a lee shore—tha drag their ankers—sum ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at swareing—the water iz strewd with pots and kittles—sevral ov the cook maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth—tha hav tew draw oph the kanal tew stop Josh Billings' advice Josh Billings' advice. and Answers to Correspondents.—See pages 19, 20. FEMALE EDDIKASHUN. Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman. I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale.—Suppose you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams. I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be looked up tu in silent aw. If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid devils. Mi christian friends, ajew! DEPOZETIONS. Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.
WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.
PASHUNCE OV JOB. Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!" If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job! FRIENDLY LETTER. Friend Elias:—You ask me menny questions about the draft that bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts, for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever. Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov voting the democratic ticket. Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the widder's husband haz alreddy Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom into it. Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose; also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general. Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than 3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns. Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov this laste, blessed privlege. AFFURISMS.
JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS. I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry. It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very REMARKS.
JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY." Feller Sisters:—When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts NOSHUNS. Yankee Noshuns. In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now, we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are the affek ov tew mutch genius. Hoss Noshuns. It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun. Rum Noshuns. Josh Billings on trotting horses Josh Billings on trotting horses.—See page 63. Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people, who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they Religious Creed Noshuns. The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong, but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right. Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord SAYINS.
ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.
THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH. When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up, and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "an affair ov honnor." When a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and unanimously report "a diskrepansy in hiz akounts." 2 yung men hire a hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits. They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits. The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi MANIFEST DESTINY. Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for. When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started, looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses. Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it. Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine, "Dear Sur Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste." ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. Perkins.—I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa. Harrold.—Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born, i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever travel in Florida? Tri agin—I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought to go up Hard Road.—Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes. Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers, excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da, for $25,000 in kounterfit munny. ON DOGS. When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales, Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales. Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise Providence, tha are various in number. Tha are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun, who hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum in under the flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv tew belong tu sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the dog az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious. Tha kant talk, but tha kan lick yure hand, this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful, but tha are not alwas proffittable in the lump. The Nufoundlin dog is useful tew saive childiren from drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water, SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.
FASHION. Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist, and sum vanitee. The taist that is into it, saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az necessara tu govern men and wimmin with, az sivil law; in fack menny folks wud ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bunnet tu obtuze. Exsentrisity iz one thing, and fashun iz anuther thing. We haint got no more rite tu laff at fashun, than we hav tu laff at vittels. What a man, or woman eats, if it iz well cooked, iz all rite, and what tha ware, if it iz well cooked, is ditto.—After fashuns hav had their da, then iz the time tu despize them; just so it iz with vittels; cold vittels for instanze. Nobody iz tu blame for old fashuns. If our grate grand mother shud meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their respek Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing, and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy. Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the noble, adopt fash It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da. I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel. The essa is thru. The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum on a gentleman of genial spirits.—See page 80. REMARKS.
PROVERBIAL PIG. Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur. His pastime is the his PROVERBS.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Bolivar.—Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best. Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv centiment, but widders luv muscle. Fanny.—Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller them hull, tha are ap tu make yure David.—The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph. Citizen.—I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis. Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil; and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing." Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu. Richard.—Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading. Gipsey.—I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a board, and la it awa up garrett. PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.
A FU REMARKS.
N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal. A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law, Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner. CLEVER FELLOWS. It is perfectly astounding how full ov clever fellows the world iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets, reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches, reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew, next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu! confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew acksep yure sufrage AFFERISIMS.
ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read: TO CONTRIBUTORS. "I Hear an Angell Whispre," by Clemantha.—Theze lines contain more poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha; rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint never bin rit onto. "Slavery, ordained ov God," bi A. D. P.—This produckshion we cant accept. We are bound "On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters," bi Clarense.—Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar puff. "Epitaff on a friend," bi Emeline Parsons.—Epitaffs are played out with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger. "Essa on Hurrykanes," bi Tempest Jun'.—Wil appear jist az soon az the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a personal intervu. A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN. Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him, and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God. Could the arth be peopled? could THE RASE KOARSE.
Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast. The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz. THE TRACK. I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart. THE HOSSES Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp." FUST HEAT. The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd REMARKS. The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the SECKUND HEAT. The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch, "Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour "Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground. Time ov this 'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.' This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did, i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun; he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true. He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land, he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand. "Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this ad WATCH DOGS. Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak?—Did yu ever hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous—it seems 3 weeks at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens—yure lady friend recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu! dew cum rite in. ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS. Amerikus.—Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures. Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure contribu Beta—I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus, for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times again. Mathew.—I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers. Philander.—Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the single condishun?—Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew REMARKS.
AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK. "Musick hath charms to sooth a savage. To rend a rok or split a kabbage." So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We are told, that in those days "the stars sang together," but in theze days yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said, "that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul; a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than "MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN." This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch. Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff, tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare P.S.—I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn" Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp enclosed. Josh Billings wants to know why Josh Billings wants to know why it is that so many women who are so thin in the face, stick out so everywhere else.—See page 122. PROVERBS.
KISSING CONSIDERED. "Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing. IN THE LUMP. Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed; in fack, about the onla way IN DETALE. When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and—couzin Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase, and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday, and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air. I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst Moral.—Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu chew them well. FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS. Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon, waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport. In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news "Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood: Having a fu spare time tew devote terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin. I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever. "Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here, how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know, and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a ded sure thing on Jerush. SAYINGS.
JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH. "Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit, amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy—for civilizashun. The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more fleas tew the aker Yours at sight, TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS. Cora.—Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game. If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno he waz only hunting for fun. Rebekar.—I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu. Flora.—I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost, and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet. Lizzy.—Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the cussedest evra now and then. Matilda.—Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The owner P. S.—I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz Agusty Seazer. ON WIDDERS. Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our purpis,) into 3 classes: The Lone, The Grass, and The Star Spangled Banner Widder. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch, she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry amung men she perpetuates. The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid—for the season. The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and—a fule. She marrid her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9 months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes, as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with a full puss, she wil make Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our disguss—Amen! THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.
ON COURTING. Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver. Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung men, who are about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the fust plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure systen awl rite, and then find a yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The nex thing is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she will sa that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far from out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say onse evry nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good courting, if it is dun strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin to be well ackquainted and will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing I alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in 10 daze, unless yu forgit how the gal looks. Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind az tho yu had pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find out what ails yu. Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion in tune; and then if the gal happens tew be thare, bi acksident, she kan ask yu tew go hum with her. Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit. Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm—for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent. REMARKS.
THE FAULT-FINDER. Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels. PROVERBS.
KOLIDING. The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide." ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES. I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish: They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend. Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back with. Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them; sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat. Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place whare I was going tew sit down on the grass. We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident. The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the servants for something tew eat. I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat in their body than a ramrod haz. Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market, the less snaiks. MUDTURKLES. Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity ov truth in theze days. TRUE BILLS. Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch vittles. Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it. False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa it iz right. Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil. True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand. Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights and no respek for our own. Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence. NARRATIF. "Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a peddlin, selebrated pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru to natur, tuk the chance—he was about 59 years old, was very lite in the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers:—"Wafarin man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had PHOTOGRAPHS. Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1—Photograffs are gitting skase. 2—If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3—I am a marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter, will be painfully redused. 4—It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having hiz fotograff taken. 5—A grate menny folks, jist now at this time, are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so far rekovered, that Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby once more, arrives at the depot just too late to catch the Express train (?)—See page 156. AFFERISIMS.
JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT. I du consider musketers, The moste pesky, ov all God's creeters. I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and tore. When muskeeters whisper in yure ear, The devils angels are hovring near. I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep, az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i It felt like the breth ov a kanada Thissell, A round mi hed, a triing tu Whissell. Suddenly i awoke. The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked, one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest, in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone, clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired, And hit the spot, Whare the little grey cuss had sot. Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch. THINGS THAT SUIT ME.
MY FUST GONG. I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd—i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president. Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run PROVERBS. Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser. Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever. The burden ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself. Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue." The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.) Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty. "The flour ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun. If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz the queen ov the vartues. Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and in order. I never beleaved mutch in spirits unless tha kum direk from Jamaka, and then onla in small-sized ones. "Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with this kalamitee. It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it. Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally, "Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting. Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better. I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills? DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING—IN 2 PARTS. Part Fust—I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun. A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla, the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world that did'nt want mutch disiplin—Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper, and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav spilt them—tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis. Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov disiplin—the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin. Part Seckunt.—Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment, and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed. "Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer, "if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him. Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing." CORRESPONDENTS. Olivia—I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun, than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich az pitching cents and sliding down hill. Scipio—If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss (off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on bran bred and Clarence—We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got. Matty—It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me long courtships and engagements. Stujent—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse. JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival, i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "Union now and forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun—"Dignatum hok hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and is one ov mi faverite quotashuns. The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will be impossible for me, It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty, and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare iz dekon L——, and Elder P——, for instanze, with whom i take a drink evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and kalls me "her Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee. Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in a kind ov burleskish wa tu the dinner-bell. But, after all, Solomon gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi. NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME. The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst. The femail IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN? EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS. Fustly—I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it? Ha! Sekundly—I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a sin mutch. Thirdly—I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and righteousness aint no sin. Fourthly—I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the dog for ketching rats, duz it? Fifthly and lastly, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen, wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side. Moral.—Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too. ADVERTIZEMENT. I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering. None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh Billings, Real Estate Agent. OUT WEST! Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on. When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church. It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one in his hand. A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath. It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger. Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards. In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov sawdust; he put The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and rale rode stok in the bundle. SAYINS. About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor suffer mizery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it. "Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him. Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages. Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it. There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that is, the fust time I kissed a gal. If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should immegiatly repli, "10 per cent." Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out ov her will. Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other. The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the ole yew three miles and a haf. The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out. A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN. I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu whispering, which she could not dry up. The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs. Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs. Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor people had ov hankering after imported goods. Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her; sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress, and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling, which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported as follows: Whereas, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them. Resolved, that we are down on silks and shawls. Resolved, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness. Resolved, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week in the Billingsville Weekly, and that our husbands foot the bills or we foot them—the bills. Resolved, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land, tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns. After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday.... Ov course no male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks. A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK. In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter, besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the menny who ware waiting AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2 children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop, is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here, tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd one ov the ladys SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES. We beleaf in ardent spirits—sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits—sich az fast hosses, vigerous cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76—sich az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal—sich az temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We beleaf in the spirits of just men—but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf in the spirit ov revenge—if a muskeeter bites you without provocation, kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the spirit ov forgiveness—if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him forgiv the det. JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN". Dear Doktor Hirsute:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader," also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis. N. B.—Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi P. S.—Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis. Yures quietly, PROVERBS. He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that sutes him. It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew want a dimond ring, as tew want a shirt. The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins. I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice. Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice. Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick. Wimmin luv their hustbands, but tha worship their bonnets. The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the result is no philozopher. I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty, for they wont kno when they git to heaven. Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither. Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the devel tha act. Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time. I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass. True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a keen affectashun ov what iz rong. "Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out? If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew hear about sich things. A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at. Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles. Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade. DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL. Tew sarve up cowcumbers—pick them when the dew is on them, pare them neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts, pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then—raze up the window carefully, and throw them out. Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa—steal them bi moonlite, and eat them in the next lot. Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov the—rebbels. Tew remove goose pimples—skin the goose. Tew kure hams—bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters. Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself. Women's Rights Convention Women's Rights Convention—Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the chair.—See page 200. FAKS. Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state: That onions are good for a bad breth. That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man. That ships are kalled she bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the lookout. That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at least, 300 per cent. That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in the morning. That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he hollers glory halleluyer! That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning. ON LECTURES. I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler. The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond. Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur—Enklozed, pleze find 20 dollars—if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings." I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25 dollars. I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.—I also reseaved 2 letters bi to daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable collums.—One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name "Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle." Hennery:—The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,—thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not dis Mirakle:—Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company. LXXX. YANKEE NOSHUNS. The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens. The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else. The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits. The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny body but themselfs. The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him do az yu think. The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled, but aint liable at enny time tew be divided. The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it, and kan thrash the hole wurld besides. The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once gits luce. ATTENTION! SQUAD! Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way from the sun—how fass a comet travels—the best time that lightning can make—when the stars visit, and how long they are about it—the fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea—the flite ov a swallow—the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain, tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well in the dark, as in the light—knows no law Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political lecture Josh Billings delivers an extemporaneous political lecture.—See page 219. THE FUST BABY. The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy—an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours—to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you—to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you—tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest—tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys—a feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed—tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweet LAUGHING. Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale. Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake,—that cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger, PIONEERS. God bless the pironeers—the whole ov them—inkluding the man who fust rode a mule. Hiz name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long az black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin good stickers, sum ov the best clothes-pins the world ever saw, cum from this familee.... I remember olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he started tew discover, "out west," 40 years ago, hiz property was a wife, with the side ake, 2 galls, just busting thru their clothes into womanhood, 2 boys, who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the smell, a one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle, he squat at Rock River, in the Illinoise, for 6 months, and then moved on more westly, the last that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz wagging, just doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.... And thare waz Beltrigging, who fust decoration "There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles And New Editions Recently Issued by CARLETON, Publisher, New York, Madison Square, corner Fifth Av. and Broadway.
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