PLACE: The Study at the Vicarage. TIME 9.15 p.m.

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

THE REV. ARCHIBALD HAVERTON: The Vicar.

MRS. HAVERTON: His Wife.

MISS GROSVENOR: A Governess.

MATILDA: A Maid.

FIDO: A Dog.

HERMIONE COBLEY: Daughter of a cottager who takes in washing.

MISS HARVEY: A guest, cousin to Mrs. Haverton, a Unitarian.

(The REV. ARCHIBALD HAVERTON is reading the "Standard" by a lamp with a green shade. MRS. HAVERTON is hemming a towel. FIDO is asleep on the rug. On the walls are three engravings from Landseer, a portrait of Her late Majesty Queen Victoria, a bookcase with books in it, and a looking-glass.)

MRS. HAVERTON: My dear—I hope I do not interrupt you—
Helen has given notice.

REV. A. HAVERTON (looking up suddenly).
Given notice?
Who? Helen? Given notice? Bless my soul!
(A pause.)
I never thought that she would give us notice.
(Ponders and frowns.)

MRS. HAVERTON: Well, but she has, and now the question is,
What shall we do to find another cook?
Servants are very difficult to get. (Sighs.)
Especially to come into the country
To such a place as this. (Sighs.) No wonder, either!
Oh! Mercy! When one comes to think of it,
One cannot blame them. (Sighs.) Heaven only knows
I try to do my duty! (Sighs profoundly.)

REV. A. HAVERTON (uneasily): Well, my dear,
I cannot make preferment.

(Front door-bell rings.)

FIDO: Bow! wow! wow!

REV. A. HAVERTON (patting him to soothe him):
There, Fido, there!

FIDO: Wow! wow!

REV. A. HAVERTON: Good dog, there!

FIDO: Wow,
Wow, wow!

REV. A. HAVERTON (very nervous): There!

FIDO: Wow! wow!

REV. A. HAVERTON (in an agony): Good dog!

FIDO: Bow! wow! wow!
Wow, wow! Wow!! WOW!!!

MRS. HAVERTON (very excited): Oh, Lord, he'll
wake the children!

REV. A. HAVERTON (exploding): How often have
I told you, Dorothy,
Not to exclaim "Good Lord!"… Apart from manners—
Which have their own importance—blasphemy
(And I regard the phrase as blasphemous)
Cannot—

MRS. HAVERTON (uneasily): Oh, very well!…
Oh, very well!
(Exploding in her turn.)
Upon my soul, you are intolerable!
(She jumps up and makes for the door. Before she gets to
it there is a knock and MATILDA enters.)

MATILDA: Please, m'm, it's only Mrs. Cobley's daughter
To say the washing shall be sent to-morrow,
And would you check the list again and see,
Because she thinks she never had two collars
Of what you sent, but only five, because
You marked it seven; and Mrs. Cobley says
There must be some mistake.

REV. A. HAVERTON (pompously): I will attend to it.

MRS. HAVERTON (whispering angrily): How can
you, Archibald! You haven't got
The ghost of an idea about the washing!
Sit down. (He does so.) (To Matilda) Send the
Girl in here.

MRS. HAVERTON sits down in a fume.

REV. A. HAVERTON: I think….

MRS. HAVERTON (snapping): I don't care what you think!
(Groans.) Oh, dear!
I'm nearly off my head!

Enter MISS COBLEY. (She bobs.)

Good evening, m'm.

MRS. HAVERTON (by way of reply):
Now, then! What's all this fuss about the washing?

MISS COBLEY: Please, m'm, the seven collars, what you sent—
I mean the seven what was marked—was wrong,
And mother says as you'd have had the washing
Only there weren't but five, and would you mind….

MRS. HAVERTON (sharply): I cannot understand a word you say.
Go back and tell your mother there were seven.
And if she sends home five she pays for two.
So there! (Snorts.)

MISS COBLEY (sobbing): I'm sure I….

MRS. HAVERTON (savagely): Don't stand snuffling there!
Go back and tell your mother what I say….
Impudent hussy!…

(Exit MISS COBLEY sobbing. A pause.)

REV. A. HAVERTON (with assumed authority): To return to Helen.
Tell me concisely and without complaints,
Why did she give you notice?

(A hand-bell rings in the passage.)

FIDO: Bow-wow-wow!

REV. A. HAVERTON (giving him a smart kick): Shurrup!

FIDO (howling). Pen-an'-ink! Pen-an'-ink
Pen-an'-ink! Pen-an'-ink!

REV. A. HAVERTON (controlling himself, as well as he can, goes to
the door and calls into the passage): Miss Grosvenor!
(Louder) … Miss Grosvenor!… Was that the bell for prayers?
Was that the bell for prayers?… (Louder) Miss Grosvenor.
(Louder) Miss Gros-ve-nor! (Tapping with his foot.)
Oh!…

MISS GROSVENOR (sweetly and, far off): Is that Mr. Haverton?

REV. A. HAVERTON: Yes! yes! yes! yes!…
Was that the bell for prayers?

MISS GROSVENOR (again): Yes? Is that Mr. Haverton? Oh! Yes!
I think it is…. I'll see—I'll ask Matilda.

(A pause, during which the REV. A. HAVERTON
is in a qualm.)

MISS GROSVENOR (rustling back): Matilda says it
is the bell for prayers.

(They all come filing into the study and arranging the chairs.
As they enter MISS HARVEY, the guest, treads heavily on
MATILDA'S foot.)

MISS HARVEY: Matilda? Was that you? I beg your pardon.

MATILDA (limping): Granted, I'm sure, miss!

MRS. HAVERTON (whispering to the REV. A. HAVERTON): Do not read
the Creed!
Miss Harvey is a Unitarian.
I should suggest some simple form of prayer,
Some heartfelt word of charity and peace
Common to every Christian.

REV. A. HAVERTON (in a deep voice): Let us pray.

Curtain.