My Friends:

Every situation in life has its peculiar trials, and it is wise beforehand, to understand what our trials must be, and what is the best way of meeting them. God did not put us into this world to find enjoyment by gratifying all our desires, but he intended that we should form such a character, as will enable us to feel happy in giving up our will and wishes to him and to others, whenever it is needful.

Those, therefore, are not the most fortunate, who have the fewest trials to meet, but those rather, who best learn to be patient and cheerful, whatever may be their lot, or the trials which it involves. Many are apt to suppose, that when people have beautiful houses, and fine clothes, and a plenty of money, and opportunities to read, and visit, and see the world, that they must be happy. But the most miserable persons I have known, were persons who had all these things; while some of the happiest persons I ever saw, were those whom the world call poor, and who had none of these advantages.

The rich have as many wishes and wants ungratified as the poor, for the more they get the more they want. At the same time, as they often have nothing to do but to amuse and gratify themselves, they are not so likely to form those habits of self-denial, patience, and benevolence, which are the true source of enjoyment. This is the reason why the Saviour says, “How hardly shall they that have riches, enter the kingdom of Heaven.” The kingdom of Heaven consists, not in meat and drink and costly raiment, nor in any earthly goods, but in “righteousness and peace.” And this righteousness and peace are much more easily found in humble life, than among the rich, the proud and the gay. It is true that it is a blessing to be rich, if we only use riches in the proper way. But riches bring such temptations, that few have strength and wisdom sufficient to stand, so that it is often that riches are a curse rather than a blessing.

Why is it so common to see the children of rich parents growing poor and vicious, while the children of the poor grow up industrious, virtuous and rich? It is because the children of the rich are brought up in ease and indulgence, while the children of the poor are brought up to industry and self-denial. If any person will count up the rich men in our country, he will find, that not one in ten had rich parents. And then if he will look at the descendants of rich families he will find, that probably more than half are very poor, and a great many are miserable vagabonds in society.

I mention these things to lead you to realize, that your happiness in this life consists not in being rich, or well dressed, or in any outward advantage, but rather in such a character as enables you to meet the duties and trials of your lot with patient cheerfulness, and faithful diligence.

I will now mention some of the trials which domestics are most frequently called to endure, and point out the proper way of meeting them.

One of the greatest and most frequent trials of domestics is, the fault-finding to which they are constantly exposed. Now, whether a person deserves to be blamed or not, this is a great trial to the patience. If we are to blame, we not only are pained to see the mischief we have done, but we are pained to be reproached by others, and at the same time to feel that it is indeed our own fault, and that we deserve it. If we are not to blame, it seems very hard to be upbraided, but in many cases this is not half so hard to bear, as to be blamed when we know we deserve it.

Now there are two dangers to which we are exposed from this cause. If we live with a person who finds fault a great deal, the first danger is, that we shall grow sullen, or irritable, and then show a bad temper, by disrespectful and angry words and deportment. The other danger is, that we shall become so used to it as not to care any thing about it. I have seen the children and domestics of women who find fault a great deal, look and act as if they did not care one cent about what was said to them, and sometimes they look as if they were more amused than pained at the anger and impatience displayed by those who rule over them.

Now, it is our duty, if we really have by forgetfulness, or ignorance, neglected or illy performed our duty, not only to be sorry, but to show those whom we have thus troubled, that we feel sorry. Nothing so soon ends such troubles, as for the person who has done wrong to appear as if she was really sorry for it. Whenever therefore you have your mistakes or faults pointed out, do not seek to justify yourself, and do not, if possible, show any anger. If you feel irritated, do not speak till you can speak without anger, and then say, “I am sorry,” or something else of the kind, that shows regret on your part for the trouble you have caused. After you have said this, then is the proper time to tell your excuses. If you begin to justify or excuse before you have expressed any regret, in nine cases out of ten, it does more harm than good. Another thing will very much aid you in bearing this evil, and that is, trying to imagine yourself in the situation of the one you have displeased, and thinking whether you should do any differently yourself. How do you behave when you depend on some child or companion to do something, and by ignorance or carelessness the thing is left undone or is spoilt? Do you shut up your mouth and utter not a word of complaint, or fault-finding? Try for one week to go without finding fault with any body, or any thing that crosses your plans or wishes, and see how hard it is to refrain!

Now a housekeeper is constantly having things done wrong, or not done at all, which she feels anxious to have accomplished properly, and it is one of the most difficult duties in the world to bear silently and patiently all these vexations and disappointments. You should therefore try to feel kindly for these troubles of your employer, and when you see her patience fails, think how many cares and perplexities she meets, and how difficult you would find it, if you were in her place, to bear them patiently.

There is another thing you must consider, and that is, that many women think it is their duty always to tell the persons whom they employ whenever they do wrong, and they do not suppose that it is wrong to show anger and impatience at such trials. At least, they talk as if it was right for them to manifest anger and impatience, if there is just cause for displeasure.

Very few persons are aware how much better it is not to speak at all, when they are angry, and how much more good it does to talk with children and domestics about their faults or mistakes, in a kind way, when neither side feels out of humour. There are a great many women who would be more considerate and careful in this matter, if they only supposed it was their duty so to do. And here you should inquire of yourselves too, “Do I feel it to be a duty not to complain, or find fault when I feel angry? Can I command my temper and tongue so as not to reply in angry and disrespectful tones when others blame me? Do I set a guard on my lips, that I sin not with my tongue? Do I every day pray to God to enable me to be patient at the faults of others, and meek in receiving rebuke for my own? Do I, when I have sinned by angry tones and language, confess my sin to Christ, and ask for his strength to enable me to follow his example of meekness and patience?” Let any of us try ourselves with these questions, and we shall be much more meek and patient, when hearing the complaints or upbraidings of those whom we have troubled.

There is another method, which, in many cases, will be of great service. Many amiable and excellent women, really do not know how much they do find fault, nor how severe and unpleasant are their tones and manner. If, therefore, you find yourself very much tried in this way, seek some opportunity of conversing with your employer, when both feel kindly to each other. And then, in a respectful manner tell her, that if she will not find fault quite so often, or will tell your faults to you, at times when neither you or she feel disturbed in mind, that it will be a great deal pleasanter to you to serve her, and that you shall be much more likely to try to do your duties well. Such a measure as this, will be far better than to speak out your mind at times when she is reproving you, when both feel angry or impatient. I think a time will come, when both parents and employers will feel it to be a duty to refrain from finding fault when they are angry, and make it an object to wait, until by calm reflection they can say the most judicious things in the most judicious manner. And if you wish to have this period arrive, remember you can do something towards hastening it, by trying to form such a habit yourself. And then, if you ever become the employer of a domestic, you will be prepared for this most important part of your duty.

Another trial, to which domestics are exposed, is a neglect of their comfort and convenience by their employers.

Sometimes domestics have not comfortable rooms and beds; sometimes, the proper conveniences for work are not provided; sometimes they have so much required that they have not time for rest, and for taking care of their clothes; sometimes they are obliged to leave their meals before they have done, to wait on the family; sometimes the children of the family vex and incommode them; sometimes they are treated harshly and rudely; sometimes the mistress of the family does not know how to plan work, and more is exacted than they can perform, or needless trouble and work are caused. Now there are two ways of preventing these evils, to a certain extent. One is, by making proper terms with an employer beforehand. It is a good plan for a domestic, always to inquire of an employer, before she agrees to come, respecting all these matters. It is always proper, to inquire about the conveniences in the kitchen, and to ask how much time you probably can have to do your own sewing, and whether you shall be allowed to sit undisturbed at your meals, and whether you shall be allowed to send the children out of the kitchen when they trouble you, and finally, to find out as much as you can beforehand, as to the kind of work that will be expected. Let these things all be talked over and understood beforehand, and many occasions for hard feeling and discontent will be saved on both sides.

After you come into a family, you will, in most cases, find some inconveniences and annoyances that you did not expect. In such cases, do not be angry or out of patience, but bear them quietly, till you have a good chance to talk with your employer about them. Then simply state the trouble you experience, and if it can be remedied consistently, she probably will do it, and if it cannot, then make up your mind to bear it patiently and good humouredly. I have seen domestics go on, day after day, complaining and fretting about troubles, that often would be entirely removed, if they would go, in a pleasant and respectful way, to their employers and state their wishes. It is always best to take it for granted, that your employers are kind and reasonable people, for if they are not, it is the surest way to lead them to become so.

A keeper of a prison once asked a man who had been removed from his care to another prison, what the reason was that he behaved so much better with his new keeper. His reply was, “He treats me like a man, and so I behave like a man; but you treated me like a dog, and so I behaved like a dog.”

Now this prisoner was a fair picture of us all in this respect. If people treat us as if they think that we wish and intend to do all that is generous and right, it is a strong influence to lead us to do so. But if we are treated as if it was expected that we should act unreasonably and wrong, it is a strong temptation to lead us to do so. And this anecdote contains a very important truth, that it would be wise for domestics, as well as employers, to bear in mind.

There is another trial that domestics often feel, which I have before alluded to. It is the fact that they are called “servants,” and are liable to be treated with disrespect or contempt, by persons who fancy themselves a little above them in rank. But my friends, this is a trouble which all classes have to experience, and some almost or quite as much as you. The mechanic’s daughter, or the sempstress, may call you servants, and feel above you, but some rich men’s daughters call them “only mechanics’ daughters,” or “only sempstresses,” and feel as much above them. And these rich men’s daughters find persons who will call them “vulgar rich folks,” and feel very much above them, because they themselves have some advantages of family or education, that those they look down upon do not possess. We find that it is common to call persons who have wealth and education, “ladies,” and persons who have no education, and labour for a support, “women.” And if a person who considered herself among the first, should hear a person say, “there is a woman in the parlour,” instead of saying, “there is a lady in the parlour,” she would in some cases feel offended. What is the reason of this? She is a woman, why is she not pleased to be called so? Why simply because persons whom she regards as below herself are so called. Now this is exactly the case with you. You do not like to be called by the same name as is given to slaves in this land, and to the degraded servants of other countries. And it is probable every body would have something of this feeling, and therefore every well-bred person, who knew, that this name of servant was disagreeable to you, would not use it, unless from long habit it was difficult to remember to call you by another name. But you must not allow yourselves to be offended because people do not always know your feelings on this point, or do not always remember to regard your wishes.

Try to be polite yourselves to the poor Africans whom you regard as below you, and then you will find that you sometimes fail in this duty yourselves, and will learn not to judge so severely of those who fail towards you. True politeness and good breeding will lead every body to avoid whatever needlessly troubles others, however humble in life.

On this point I have felt some perplexity myself. Probably if I were in your place, I might not wish to be called a servant, just as many persons I associate with, choose to be called “ladies” instead of “women.”

As we must have some name to give to persons in your station, I have inquired what one is suitable. Now I cannot tell what would be agreeable to you all. But I know what I should like myself. The word domus signifies home, which is one of the dearest and pleasantest words in the world.

The word “domestic,” is made from this word domus, and it signifies, one employed in doing the work at home, and therefore it has a very pleasant idea connected with it. I cannot find any word in the dictionary to use for this purpose, that I should like so much myself, and therefore I have used the word in writing to you. But if there was any other that I thought you would like better, I certainly would use it.

But remember, my friends, that Jesus Christ, the Lord of Glory, “took upon him the form of a servant,” and he it was that washed his disciples’ feet, to show them that they must not feel above doing the humblest of all duties. And the word “minister,” means the same as “servant,” and this was the name taken by the Apostles of Christ.

And we shall never be fully prepared for Heaven, till we have that humble spirit, which can be contented to see others raised above us, and to take whatever name and place belongs to us. The Bible teaches, that even in Heaven, there are different grades of intellect and greatness, and this is the time of probation, when we are to learn that submissive and humble spirit, which will prepare us to go to a world, where forever, there must be many far above us in knowledge, honour and power. Do not therefore indulge such feelings of pride about the name, and duties of your station, but honour yourselves by walking in the footsteps of Jesus Christ.

In regard to all the trials that are to be met in your situation in life, it is wisest to look at the matter in this light. There is no situation where you can go, in which you will not find some disagreeable things to try your patience, and tempt you to complain and be discontented. Therefore, it is best to make up your mind, that you will first do all you can to remedy what troubles you meet, and after that, determine to be quiet and content with your lot.

It is very unwise to be roving from one family to another. It is very much for your interest to stay in one place and become interested in the family, and to make them all feel that you are a steady, and tried, and faithful friend. I know many domestics, who have become so much attached to the family where they have long lived, that no money would tempt them to leave. They seem to feel that all that interests the family belongs to them. They share the joys, the sorrows, and the hopes of the family, and are loved and trusted by all, as kind and faithful friends, while every thing reasonable is done to make them comfortable and contented.

And I would advise every domestic to seek a place where she will be willing to stay for life, if she does not get a home of her own. And when she has found such a place, she should try, by her faithful services, and affectionate kindness, to make herself so necessary to the comfort of the family, that they will all feel that they cannot part with her, and will do all in their power to make her comfortable and happy.

There is one word of advice I would offer to domestics who do change their places, and that is, never to retail the private concerns of the family they leave. A great deal of trouble and ill will in society, is made by the scandal that is propagated by domestics, who go from one family to another. This ought not so to be. We have no right to talk about the faults of other persons, unless we can do some good by it. This the golden rule forbids; for we know we should not be willing to have our faults retailed about and talked over to strangers, and what we are not willing to have done to us, we should not do to others.

I beseech you, therefore, to make it a rule never to retail the faults of those with whom you have lived. And if you find persons questioning you, to find out matters relating to the family in which you have worked, just tell them that you do not think it is right to speak of the faults of those with whom you have lived. Do this, and every body will respect you for your sense of propriety, and feel reproved if they have tempted you, by questions, to so ungenerous and wrong a course. The only case when it would be right to tell the faults of those you have lived with, is when a person comes to you for information and advice about going to live in that place. In this case, it would be proper to let them know both the good and the evil of the situation they inquire about.

There is one frequent cause of difficulty between employers and domestics, that ought to be taken care of, when first making an agreement. Employers always wish to hire the time of domestics, instead of hiring them to do some particular parts of family work.—But some domestics feel that they are hired to do some particular part of the work, and when this is done, that their time is their own. Now this matter ought to be understood beforehand, for all employers would prefer to hire the time, even if they have to pay more wages. It is a great inconvenience to have domestics who feel that their time is their own, except when they are doing certain jobs they agreed to do. It is much the best for the comfort of a family, to have domestics who can be called on to help whenever they are needed. Of course there must be an understanding, in such cases, that domestics shall have time enough to do their own sewing and mending, and also for meetings and visiting to a suitable extent. All these things should be talked over beforehand, and it will save much trouble.