Since quite a boy Hal Gradient had been
Noted for ingenuity—between
The hours when not on active duty he
Immersed in some new scheme was sure to be;
So, by the age of twenty-five he grew
Absorbed in plans, constructive, rare and new.
We both in engineering works were then,
On contract work engaged in France, when
He the gratifying news received,
That some unknown rich relative had died,
Leaving him sole executor and heir
To an estate both lucrative and fair.

Prior to leaving for his native land,
He said to me, Now, Mark, my friend, you understand,
I shall expect to see you at my home
As soon as your engagement here is done;
And such a home, my boy, as you shall see,
You cannot well conceive what it may be,
For I intend to exercise my skill,
Its precincts with inventions new to fill,
And have things so arranged that work and time
Shall reap rich harvests in their course sublime.

Time passed; my contract done, I hastened home,
Unwilling longer from its joys to roam,
When Harry, hearing that I had returned,
To have me by him with impatience burned;
So, to his pressing lines that I should pay
A visit to his country home next day,
I cordially assented, for I, too,
Was anxious our prized friendship to renew.

Descending at the station I espied
The dear old boy, with dog-cart at his side,
Waiting to welcome me with heart and hand,
To all we prize most in our native land;
For howsoe'er or wheresoe'er we roam,
We find no joys like those of home, sweet home!

We bowled along the pleasant country lanes,
By wooded heights and blossom-covered plains.
See! said he, there's my house among the trees,
Sheltered, yet open to the southern breeze.
In that beyond, with other two, you see,
Whose grounds close round my own so pleasantly,
Live valued friends of whom I never tire;
With each abode a telegraphic wire
Communicates, so, when we feel inclined
For whist or billiards, after we have dined
We telegraph to fix the time and place,
And oft arrange a meet for hunt and chase,
Which is convenient, as you soon will see,
And makes us like one social family.

Just then arriving at the gate hard by,
I will descend and open it, said I;
Sit still, said Harry, when without a word,
The gate seemed opened of its own accord.
Hallo, that's "open, Sesame," I said,
How is it done? to which Hal answer made:
Why, don't you see; I've placed across the path
A narrow gutter like a shallow bath,
And when we stop the wheels press on it, so
It slightly sinks, and forces cranks to go,
These then force back the gate until we've passed,
Whilst others set it free and close it fast.
Well, now that is convenient, I cried,
Yes, and saves lodge and keeper, he replied.

Arriving at the house, the groom we found
And waitress at the door, for the clear sound
From two electric wires pressed by the cart
In passing through the gate, had sent a dart
Of electricity that rang a bell,
To man and maid of our approach to tell.

Hal's sister met us in the entrance hall,
A lady of a certain age, erect and tall,
Whose bearing was, to say the least, severe,
One not just suited hearts to win and cheer;
She eyed me in a curious sort of way,
And then, with haughty mien, she went away.

I noticed as I hung up coat and hat,
A sort of cage, and said to Hal, what's that?
'Tis my automaton machine, he said,
For brushing thoroughly from heels to head;
I will explain: a platform there below
On which you step, makes wheels and levers go,
In fact, your weight the motive power supplies,
On which the action of the whole relies,
Those arms with brushes then revolving wheel,
And from your clothes the dust adroitly steal,
Whilst overhead another like machine
Is also placed your hat to smooth and clean;
Observe it, like a hat box cleft in twain,
With bristled, lever-working jaws that claim
Your hat within their grasp, so for the nonce
You've trowsers, coat and hat all brushed at once.
A very curious contrivance; how
I'd like to see it set in action now.
That you shall do, said he, and stepping in
Upon the little platform neat and trim,
The numerous brushes vigorously spun
Some fifteen times, and then their work was done.
There, shouted Harry, what d'ye think of that?
Jump in and try, but don't forget your hat,
For if you do you'll bitterly repent,
And have good reason, too, for discontent.
No, not just now, some other day, said I,
Feeling a bit too nervous then to try.
Excuse me, then, a moment while I seek
My sister, for to her I wish to speak.
Hal had no sooner left, than as I stood
Before the strange machine, I thought I would
Venture to test it then when none were by
To chaff if I should chance to bolt or cry,
So, stepping boldly in, the brushes ran,
And their appointed active work began,
And that they did it well there is no doubt,
But having rashly bent one elbow out,
Its funny bone was rapped, which made me shout,
Then, horrors! the hat brushes wheeled about,
I had forgot my hat, so they instead
Most unceremoniously seized my head!
The horrid thing whirled round at frightful pace,
Stripping, it seemed, all skin off nose and face.
I tried to stoop, escape from it to find,
But only got distracting blows behind,
Soothing the part affected not the less;
I felt abused, insulted, I confess.
The hateful thing, however, stopped at last,
And springing to the floor I cast
Bewildered and distrustful glances round
When, like an added insult, there I found
Harry convulsed with laughter at my side,
Which nettled my already wounded pride.
My anger was extreme on rushing out
With one loved whisker curled my ear about,
The other brushed across my face; my hair
All twisted in a vortex of despair;
I felt unable to express my rage
At his so vaunted but abusive cage.
'Tis an infernal, demon-formed machine,
Shrieked I to Hal, as ever yet was seen,
He only roared with laughter as he sat,
Saying, 'twas so because you had no hat,
You know I charged you to remember that.
I tried to laugh but 'twas of little use
After such diabolical abuse,
But calming down at last I cheerful rose,
Wishful, in private, to survey my nose,
To see if any skin were left there now,
And what the state of my disordered brow.
So, hastening to my room with Hal, I found
All there so cosily arranged around,
That in my admiration I forgot
The consequences of my ill-starred lot
Why, what a jolly room, to him I said
Yes, and you see that second little bed.
If you are nervous, or should like me to,
As when in France, I'll sleep in it by you.
O no, in England I can have no fear,
As in the old times when you were not near.
All right, old boy, but stay, before I go
I'll light the gas, and I must let you know
'Tis done by electricity, through aid
Of batteries in the basement; I've wires laid
All through the house—now see this knob I touch
Causes two wires in contact swift to rush,
Then an electro magnet turns the stop,
At the same moment sparks from out them hop,
The gas is thus ignited—'tis not all,
You see along the ceiling, down that wall,
On either side the gas jet placed, a bar.
Each of a different metal, one has far
More power than has the other to expand
When hot, which makes it bend, you understand,
In doing so it acts upon a rod
And lever, under whose constraining nod
A catch which holds the shutters is set free,
And with a spring they close to instantly.

The metal, as he touched it, heated grew,
And, as by magic, shutters were closed to.
'Tis very cleverly arranged, I say,
But here's a knob marked with the letter A;
What is its use? This A stands for alarm,
When pressed in case of fire or threatened harm,
A large alarum placed above the roof,
Soon to the neighbours gives convincing proof;
We won't try that just now as its sound, would
Undoubtedly alarm the neighbourhood.
But see, in this recess with curtained way
Is a self-acting shower-bath that you may
Try in the morning if you're so inclined.
There's just one more contrivance yet I find
That I must show you; by your bed side stands
A nest of speaking tubes; this one commands
My bedroom, number two, my sister's, and
The third, Jane's room; this last, you understand,
Might be convenient should you e'er require,
If ill, an early cup of tea, or fire.
Is Jane the pretty housemaid? I reply,
She is, you sly boy, but she's coy and shy.
Harry, I thought you'd known me better to——
All right, old boy, I was but joking you.
Harry now left. When dressed for dinner I
Resolved tube numbered one at once to try,
I blew the whistle, from the other end
Hallo, was quickly answered by my friend.
I'm waiting to go down, will you be long?
I'm ready now, came mellowly along,
And so we met upon the landing soon,
And joined the ladies in the drawing-room.
A charming little dinner o'er, and then
The ladies left and we were chatting when
A bell was rung; Hallo, that's Pool, Hal cried;
What does he want, I wonder, quick replied
His friend by numerous clicks. He wants to know
If we will sup with him. Mark, will you go?
I've no objection; click, click, click soon sent
The answer to his friend, and off we went.

On our return Hal showed me many more
Of his inventions, of which he'd a store,
Till my bewildered and distracted head
Was fairly dazed, so I escaped to bed,
But not, alas, to sleep; th' exciting day
Had been too much for my poor nerves; I lay
Tossing and restless, could not sleep at all,
So thought I'd summon Harry to my call,
As he'd suggested, and we had agreed
That I should do in case of urgent need.
I seized the tube, blew through it lustily.
Well, soon was answered through it sleepily.
I cannot get to sleep, I wish you'd come
To me, or have me with you in your room;
I'd rather of the two that you'd come here,
As you proposed, in case of need or fear.
As I proposed! you base, abandoned wretch,
Repeat those words and I'll my brother fetch.
Horror of horrors! the wrong tube I'd grasped,
And to Miss Gradient had been talking fast.
What should I do? I tried, but all in vain,
Th' unlucky error meekly to explain.
Dear madame, I assure you on my word,
'Twas a mistake, but no response was heard;
'Twas clear she'd hear no more I had to say,
However I might for forgiveness pray,
So, putting in the whistle, on the bed
I once more settled my distracted head.
The bare idea of my speaking so
To that old lady was an awful blow;
How could I meet her at the breakfast? how
Sustain the anger of that rigid brow?
At last I made a desperate resolve
To wake up Hal, the mystery to solve,
So, quickly seizing the next tube o'erhead,
Oh! I have made a great mistake, I said,
I wanted you to come and sleep by me,
But, seizing the wrong tube, unluckily
I asked Miss Gradient to come instead
Of you; pray come to me at once, I said,
Or I shall try to find you, quickly too;
I'm dying something to explain to you.
The answer almost drove me wild with pain,
'Twas in a quick, sharp, female voice again,
But not Miss Gradient's evidently now,
'Twas Jane's, the pretty housemaid's: how—
How dare you, Sir! I'd have you know, young man,
That I'm an honest girl, and scorn your plan,
And if you dare to come you can't get in,
For cook has double locked the door within.
My dear girl, I assure you, I commenced—
I ain't your dear girl, then said Jane, incensed,
'Tis no use talking any more to-night,
With curl papers I'll stop the plug up tight,
And in the morning, to your cost, you'll see
I will expose your conduct thoroughly.
Another awful error—what a scrape
I found myself within, and how escape?
I threw myself once more upon the bed,
Great drops of perspiration on my head,
Feeling bewildered, destitute of hope,
With such a series of mishaps to cope.
If those fast bolted shutters had not been
So firmly closed, I might have had a gleam
Of the blest early dawn, but I will try,
Thought I, to open them; then by and bye
I'll dress and go to Harry to explain,
Before he meets his sister or sees Jane.
I felt my way then cautiously along,
Quite nervous, lest I should again go wrong.
The window was a bow one—on I passed,
Still groping onward, till I cried at last,
Ah! here it is, this is the curtain slide;
I passed within, when—how shall I describe
My woeful plight? I screamed and yelled with pain,
My feelings to describe, alas! 'twere vain,
In the self-acting shower bath I had stepped.
And in a torrent its freed waters leapt
On my distracted form, with deafening sound,
Which sent me stunned and spinning to the ground
In painful and undignified surprise;
The curtains having deadened the wild cries,
Wrung from me under such enforced surprise,
No one had been aware of my sad plight.
As dripping, shivering with the sudden fright,
I drew my wet clothes off and felt my way
For dry ones, longing for the light of day,
As longs some sun-struck traveller, from whose sight
A momentary shock obscures the light.
The darkness so oppressive and intense
Seemed round me an impenetrable fence,
As well to physical as mental view,
Deadening the intellect and reason too.
I could not long the awful state endure,
So making a great effort to secure
A calmer mood, by sad experience taught,
Why, what a fool I've been, at length I thought,
To have forgotten like an arrant dunce
I've but to press the knob to have at once
The gas jet lit; so groping bit by bit,
I reached it, pushed the knob, but no gas lit;
Terrific noise above I heard instead,
I'd set th' alarum crashing overhead!
What should I do? the neighbourhood would be
Aroused, and perhaps as terrified as me.
I'd no idea how to stop the thing
Which now distractingly began to ring.
I'd rush to Harry; ah, he'd heard the crash,
And to my room now rushed with hurried dash;
Why, what on earth's the matter, quickly tell?
Nothing but that abominable bell.
I wished to light the gas, the wrong knob pushed;
There, Harry said, I've stopped it, and off rushed
To satisfy the neighbours who were now
Ringing t' inquire th' occasion of the row.
He soon returned, saying he'd telegraphed
To tell of the mistake, and then he laughed,
Lighted my gas, and quickly went to bed,
As he, like me, was chilled from heels to head.
Alas! my friend was gone ere I'd the power
T' explain the contretemps of that sad hour.
To get away was now my only thought,
But then this all-important step was fraught
With seen and unseen dangers everywhere,
Suppose I met Miss Gradient on the stair,
Or Jane—for this I candidly confess
I did not the required aplomb possess.
Besides I dreaded now to rouse the house;
No, I would dress, then wait, still as a mouse,
For early dawn, a note to Harry write,
Which would my wronged position soon make right.
Yes, I would go before the servants were,
Or any of the family, astir.
Consulting Bradshaw, then, I found a train
Arranged to leave at six—could I but gain
The station by that hour, how happy I
Should be. I soon resolved to try.
I dressed at once, my letter with sad heart
Placed on the table, and prepared to start.
Opening the door I crept out cautiously,
With boots in hand down stairs quite noiselessly;
Arriving in the hall I put them on,
But found the front door locked and the key gone!
Confound it! what on earth was I to do?
I'd try the kitchen entrance to get through;
Steering in that direction, on I went,
To find some egress resolutely bent;
Coming to baize-clad folding doors at length,
I turned the handle, pushed with all my strength.
Then, Murder! Thieves! and Fire! I shouted loud,
For tightly clasped in writhing pain I bowed
Within the thief trap, where I had been caught,
Which Harry had explained, but I'd forgot;
The sharp, excruciating agony,
From the electric current, cruelly
Vibrated through me from my head to feet,
Urging the goaded blood to fever heat.
At last the cruel knocks and shaking ceased,
And from the horrid thing I got released;
I dropped bewildered on a chair hard by,
With tortured body and despairing cry,
And then spied Harry shivering at my side,
Asking how I came there, when I replied,
Why, I was going off, I gasping said,
I've been most miserable since I went to bed,
This is the climax, I have suffered so
That I am quite determined now to go.
Nonsense, said Harry, come upstairs again,
I'm sorry you've been put to so much pain,
But I will soon make all things right, you'll see.
No, in this house I'll never happy be;
I'm much obliged for all your kind intent,
But am on leaving resolutely bent,
For what with handles, tubes, bells, wires and such,
With pipes, coils, batteries, and knobs to push,
I've almost lost my head, am racked with pain,
And long my own snug lodgings to regain.
Well, wait at least until the men arrive,
When we can to the station quickly drive,
And meanwhile Jane your breakfast shall prepare.
No, no, I cannot wait for Jane, I then declare,
Pray let me go, or I shall miss the train;
Good-bye, in town we'll shortly meet again,
I've left a note to tell the reason why
I felt obliged to go; again, good-bye.
I'd not gone far along the path before
I ventured to look back again once more.
Then walking at a less excited rate
I just remembered that within the gate
Electric wires were laid, so, turning round.
And seeing Harry still upon the ground,
Cried, is there any danger at the gate?
Danger, what do you mean? at any rate
You're sure there're no more wires or such like thing,
No coils or batteries, no more bells to ring?
Oh, nothing of the kind, you need not fear,
But, Frank, said Hal, come back and reason hear.
I shook my head and resolutely cried,
No, thank you, for that moment I espied
Jane opening shutters, so I quickly pushed
Aside the gate, and out exulting rushed.
I breathed more freely when once fairly through,
And o'er the highway to the station flew.
I caught the early train and reached my home,
Almost determined nevermore to roam,
For what I'd suffered on that single night,
Was quite enough to make me die of fright;
And as I sank upon my chair I said,
Thank goodness, I've no wires above my head,
For as to lighting gas I'd rather stir
And light it with the humble lucifer;
Encounter burglar with my own strong arm,
In place of man traps to create alarm;
Pull at the shower bath in a Christian way,
And face to face with friends my visits pay,
Than have electric wires take my commands,
And do the honest work of willing hands.